Royal chatter has been swirling this weekend over the potential plot to reintroduce Prince Harry back into the royal family. The Duke of Sussex has allegedly parted ways with his American PR advisor and begun consultations with old friends back in the UK, in what sources say are the first steps towards ‘rehabilitating’ his image or bringing him back into the royal fold. And I, for one, am desperately hoping it's true.
If we think of the royal family like a TV series — a little uncaring of me, I know, but I imagine they have an equally distant view of us commoners — then we haven’t had a good story arc in about two years.
All of the best characters have left to pursue their “solo careers” and all the plot points are either desperately sad or woefully boring. They keep trying to distract us with shiny new coins and bank notes and sassy side characters (yes, Prince Louis is great, but we only see him every three months and he’s a literal child). We’re not buying it. People are switching over. The viewership is dwindling.
I miss Harry. He was fun. He loved the sesh. He had actual human empathy. He still wore those silly beaded surfer necklaces even though they went out of fashion 20 years ago. His wedding looked like the only one you’d actually go to and have a good time. Get a bit pissed, give Elton a smooch on the cheek, jump in the lake by Frogmore Cottage, job’s a good'un. Plus, in the grand scheme of the royal family’s problematic behaviour Top Trumps, he’s definitely one of the better cards in the deck.
Speaking plainly, Prince Harry is the necessary character revival we all need to carry on watching. And speaking emotionally, his rehabilitation within “the firm” could also bring some much needed joy back to a currently quite depressed and disparate family. I’m not even a royalist — I have no need for this family, but if they’re going to stick around they should at least be interesting.
According to the Daily Mail, the alleged plan being cooked up by the Duke of Sussex’s PR advisors is called “Bring Prince Harry in from the cold,” a code name I can already get behind. The rumours are based around Harry’s PR movements across the pond, where he’s apparently grown dissatisfied with his experience with American PR firms and sought advice from people “from his old life” instead, who may be able to get him back into the family’s good books.
Getting tired of Americans, you say? That’s British enough for me, let him back in!
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Look, it’s only fair, considering Cool Britannia is coming back anyway. We’ve got a fresh Labour government, a fit football team, Victoria and David Beckham are as relevant as they were in the early 2000s, the Sugababes are back… it seems fitting that Harry should be here among his pop culture comrades, grinning his cheeky smile, doing Lady Di’s good work and making us Brits all look a bit more fun.
Hell, we’ve even got Oasis back together, and if those brothers can reunite, Harry and William sure can. In fact, in lieu of these equally tempestuous brothers gaining a sister (which undoubtedly would have put a stop to both of these Cain and Abel-esque feuds in the first place, because sisters get s*** done), the Oasis reunion genuinely might be the best bet for bringing the royal family back to peace.
You absolutely know Harry and Will are both going to want to be in the box belting out Wonderwall. Harry already had to miss two Euros tournaments and a World Cup, he’s not going to want to miss this. And it’s not like there’s a solid Oasis date for Los Angeles that Prince Harry can sneak into. Noel and Liam will probably have broken the band up again by the time the tour reaches its non-UK and Ireland leg, so he really only has one choice. Could the Royal Box at Wembley be where the white flag is finally waved?
Imagine the calm that would settle over this country if we saw Will, Kate, Harry and Meghan arm in arm, drunkenly swaying and shouting “Sooooo, Sally can wait, she knows it’s too late as we’re walking on by.” Babies would cease their wailing. The pound’s value would probably go up. And the Daily Mail would have nothing nasty to print for at least a day.
Come on Hazza, make it happen. We’re bored without you, and Britain’s only just starting to get good again. Get yourself over here. I know a mate who’s got a spare ticket.
