“I almost question, is it really worth it? If I’ve damaged myself for the rest of my life?” It sounds like a lament from a punch-drunk fighter with holes in their memory and bank balance. Or an old rugby prop, slurry and soaked with regrets. But these words were uttered last week by a British Tokyo 2020 medallist, Holly Bradshaw, as she asked whether the relentless pursuit of sporting glory had harmed her body and mind.
It was a brave area to explore, given that most Britons reflexively believe the drive for Olympic success is overwhelmingly a force for good – and that those who receive lottery money to chase their dreams should count themselves lucky. But Bradshaw’s unflinchingly raw yet vital testimony exposed the pitfalls lurking amid the garlands.
In her interview with Athletics Weekly, Bradshaw spoke of having to starve herself for three months to get into shape. Of being hungry at night but only drinking water as she wanted to drop weight. And of suffering multiple illnesses and injuries since winning a pole vault bronze medal in Tokyo, including glandular fever, achilles problems, three hamstring tears and a broken bone in her back.
At one point it sounded as if she could even teach Jean-Paul Sartre a thing or two about existentialism. “I say to my husband: ‘I don’t know who I am,’” she said. “‘When I retire, who am I going to be? You’ve only known me as Holly the athlete. What if I’m a completely different person?’”
The 32-year-old did acknowledge that her success in Tokyo had felt overwhelmingly positive. But then came the kicker. “Winning that bronze medal has damaged me physically and mentally. I just worry, have I damaged myself too much that I can’t get back from that?”
What should we make of all this? Having spoken to multiple people in the Olympic ecosystem, a few things come across. First, Bradshaw, who has a masters degree in psychology and is known as one of the more meticulous and self-aware members of Team GB, deserves huge credit for being so honest. Recently she has faced the death of her father, a split from her longtime coach, and injuries, so it is no wonder she sounds particularly vulnerable. But she has never shied away from difficult issues. Previously she has spoken out about having body image issues around her stomach dating back to her youth, and after finishing fifth in Rio she talked about how some in the system had made her feel like a failure.
True, there were some dissenting voices about her interview. Some pointed out that the travails of being an elite athlete are minor compared to most people’s struggles in the real world, while someone I particularly respect also questioned why Bradshaw’s coach and federation had not done more to ensure she enjoyed a more balanced life.
However there was broad agreement that Bradshaw was voicing in public what many more sports stars suffer in private.
The research backs that up. One academic study which looked at common mental disorders (CMDs) – such as stress, anxiety and depression – among 384 European professional footballers found that 37% had symptoms at some point over a 12-month period. While another, on elite Australian and French athletes, showed that the prevalence of CMDs ranged from 17% to 45% among those studied.
Commendably, Bradshaw has played a broader part in highlighting such issues having co-authored a 2021 academic paper on the post-Olympic “blues”. The study, which involved 14 anonymous Team GB athletes, makes for fascinating if disturbing reading, with those involved saying they felt they were “little more than medal producing machines”.
The word “dehumanising” is used more than once, with many also suggesting that the national lottery system – in which funding is given to a sport on the basis of medal success – is cold and transactional.
One star, for instance, recalled the pressure they felt before an Olympic final following a conversation with an influential member of their governing body. “[They] said to us … we were one medal down on our target and that meant that [the sport] would have had a big cut from UK Sport … [after they] said: ‘Thank you so much you’ve just saved our jobs, funding’, and all that kind of stuff.”
Never mind having the weight of your own medal expectations on your back – just imagine having the responsibility for several people’s jobs, too. Another mentioned there was no congratulations after their success. “Instead [they] went straight on to ‘we haven’t met our UK Sport targets so we are going to have a really tough time over the next few months’.”
Athletes also said they felt unsupported during the Olympic Games and upon their return, and Bradshaw makes a number of suggestions to change that – including employing care officers, with the sole responsibility of ensuring people are OK, as well as more former athletes as mentors.
But while many in the system accept the lottery‑funded approach isn’t perfect, they also rightly point out that it has marched Team GB up the medal table since the failure of the Atlanta 1996 Games. They also stress the culture has improved in recent years. And what, they pointedly ask, is the alternative?
That, perhaps, is also a question that Bradshaw is mulling as she trains for her fourth Olympic Games in Paris, even though she admits: “I’m not doing it because I love it.” Her many admirers will hope she finds yet more success. But, more importantly, greater happiness and peace along the way too.
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