As Sir Gareth Southgate has pointed out, boys today are let down by the empty promises of grifting influencers who sell them a vision of masculinity grounded in dominance, materialism and disdain for women (Editorial, 19 March). However, if we are to pull boys away from these figures, we need something meaningful to offer them instead.
Often, boys end up susceptible to those voices because they are hurting. Like Jamie in the Netflix drama Adolescence, they are profoundly lonely, disconnected from their peers and families, searching for a place where they belong. Having delivered more than 5,000 workshops in secondary schools across England, we have heard gen Z boys express deeply felt worry about how they look and how their peers perceive them.
Heterosexual boys are profoundly anxious about “what girls want”, relying on sexist “rules” about what women like – rules that often have their roots in the misogynistic manosphere. Boys roll their eyes at girls who effusively big up their friends, but when we ask them how they support one another, there is an uncomfortable silence. Too often, they are told that it’s shameful for men to care for each other.
Boys need support to develop emotional literacy, media literacy and skills for healthy relationships – and that takes time, trust and expertise. Adults, including teachers, parents and carers, need help to know how to support boys.
Boys aren’t a ticking timebomb or a lost cause. They are children, growing up into men, who need and deserve our guidance.
Jamie Bale
Schools team coordinator, Beyond Equality
Holly Green
Head of quality, learning and impact
, Beyond Equality
• I watched Sir Gareth Southgate’s Richard Dimbleby lecture with mounting relief and respect. At last a “real man” was telling us what we have needed to hear for decades – that success is not just about wealth and domination over others. It is about learning inner strength and resourcefulness. It is about feeling safe enough to be kind. It is about giving respect rather than demanding it. It is about being the best “you” that you can be.
Boys need a father figure, not necessarily a father. A father figure is someone who you can respect and who respects you, someone who doesn’t preach or impose but who listens, who demonstrates and lives the right values.
But in the absence of someone like that, boys will turn to someone who will give them a sense of security, however bogus. They are naturally frightened of what is happening inside them and around them. That need to feel a sense of security is paramount. Listening is vital. As the US author Stephen Covey once wrote: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Christopher House
Hertford
• Credit to Sir Gareth Southgate for highlighting the lack of mentors for young men today. The news that a group of Labour MPs are seeking to tackle the problem of toxic influencers is also welcome. As well as government support, we need to restore the practice of boys being guided into manhood by trusted men in their own community.
Generations of men have now been without this. Organisations such as The ManKind Project and Abandofbrothers do amazing work that affirm positive masculinity. We need men of all ages everywhere to get involved so that we can learn how to be the elders that our boys so desperately need.
Simon Bubb
London
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