I am one of the few people who thinks that Boris Johnson should stay on as Prime Minister.
Because his excuses are now so wonderfully entertaining, we’re at last getting some value from him.
He’s tried, “I wasn’t at a party”, “I didn’t know I was at a party”, “The party only lasted nine minutes” and “The party doesn’t matter as there’s a war on”.
This week he’ll tell us: “I was possessed by the spirit of Amy Winehouse. She was making me go to parties. I have now had the demon dealt with by an exorcist, so let that be the end of the matter.”
Now there will be an investigation into whether he “knowingly misled Parliament”, which would mean he has to resign.
So he’ll say: “I didn’t knowingly mislead Parliament. Because at the time I believed that a party was a species of cactus. So when I said I wasn’t at a party I meant that I wasn’t at a cactus. It was only when I wrote to Gardeners’ Question Time, and asked a question about whether I should re-pot my crazy birthday party that I’d brought from the desert in Mexico, that I realised my mistake.”
He’s now telling lies at such a ferocious rate he should be studied by medical science.
He’ll tell us the cake at the party wasn’t a cake, it was a report about the inflation rate, covered in icing and candles.
And the people at the party weren’t singing Happy Birthday, they were singing that day’s Covid figures to the tune of Happy Birthday. At the moment he’s in India, but next week he’ll say: “I have never been to India. I’m told there are photographs of me in front of the Taj Mahal, riding an elephant and saying: ‘I love it here in India’.
“But I assure you there is no such place as India, and if you have any further questions, you must contact the call centre I visited in India.”
His other excuse is we shouldn’t trouble ourselves with this story, because there’s a war on.
Tomorrow he’ll announce: “I have been informed by Professor Brian Cox that there is a black hole on the other side of the galaxy.
“While that’s going on, sucking in matter from the universe, this is not the time to worry about who was at a silly little party.”
Even more entertaining is that Boris Johnson’s colleagues are asked to defend him in ever more ridiculous ways.
So Michael Gove will say in an interview: “The reason the Prime Minister can’t say how many parties he was at, is he is currently upside-down.
“In due course he will be turned the right way up, but until then it would be entirely wrong for him to answer any further questions on this issue.”
This may be why an opinion poll showed that 88% of people think the Prime Minister is lying.
I expect the other 12% cent think he is as well, but they’re all lying too.
