As the world prepares to remember the Bali bombings after 20 years, some Australian survivors and families just want to forget.
Felicity Boucher said the milestone has reignited profound anxiety about the attacks in which 202 people were killed, including 88 Australians and 38 Indonesians.
"Being in a terrorist attack is horrible and unless people have been in one, they don't understand what it's like and how it affects you,'' the Tasmanian said.
Ms Boucher, 51, will mark Wednesday's commemoration away from Bali to stop traumatic images of the atrocities spiralling out of control, and because she fears another possible attack.
Less than two hours after arriving in Bali for a solo holiday in 2002 Ms Boucher found herself in the vortex of cataclysmic explosions which ripped through the former Sari Club and Paddy's Irish Bar in Kuta's nightclub precinct.
"Suddenly all hell broke loose."
She thought an atomic bomb had detonated or an aeroplane had crashed.
As she watched a mushroom-like cloud rise in the sky the noise and smell became overwhelming. Struck by flying debris, she became disorientated and faint and her ears rang.
"I can smell the gas, the explosive odour, burning flesh and I can hear the screams of people," she tells AAP, reverting to the present tense.
"It's there if I go back to it."
Wandering through the carnage Ms Boucher heard a young man screaming for help and instinctively knelt and cradled him as he died in her arms.
The man had lost a leg and he asked Ms Boucher to tell his parents how much he loved them and to reassure them he wasn't alone when he died.
Time ran out and Ms Boucher did not even know his name.
It was not until the 10th anniversary in Bali when she chanced upon his parents and was able to keep her promise.
Many people aided the victims, she said, reluctant to take credit for her bravery.
While stumbling back to her hotel through the carnage, she helped screaming burns victims seeking relief. Working through the night with other able-bodied guests, she submerged victims in the hotel swimming pool to cool their burns.
Ms Boucher was evacuated with the seriously injured the following day.
The harrowing scenes left her with vivid flashbacks, panic attacks and PTSD which she has only recently learnt to subdue with the help of intensive therapy.
"It's like a horror movie - it starts and stops. It's important for me not to think about it."
The Hobart parks and reserves team leader has found even small problems trigger flashbacks and problems sleeping.
"I feel sick thinking about the bombings, just as I felt sick when I heard about (Bali bomber) Umar Patek's release from jail.
"I had to take a few deep breaths. I thought, 'how can they do that?'
"I don't know if I'll ever get 100 per cent closure but I'm handling things better in the past couple of years."
Australia will mark Wednesday's 20th anniversary with events in Canberra, plus Sydney and Perth.
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