If you think you’re having a bad week, spare a thought for the poor soul who prompted a response from the bomb squad after getting an artillery shell stuck up his bottom.
The anonymous patient, who reportedly collected military memorabilia, “slipped and fell” on a projectile from World War Two.
The girthy shell, which measured an impressive 17cm by 6cm, would have been fired from anti-tank guns during the war, according to The Sun.
Fearing the round could detonate, the bomb squad was called to the A&E department of the Gloucestershire Royal Hospital on Wednesday morning.
A Gloucestershire Constabulary spokesperson told Indy100 that they responded to a report that “a patient had presented with a munition in his rectum” at the Gloucestershire hospital.
The police spokesperson added: “The item had been removed prior to police arrival and the Explosive Ordnance Disposal team (EOD) were contacted.
“They attended and confirmed it was not live and therefore not a danger to the public.”
In a statement to Indy100, an Army spokesperson said: “We can confirm an Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal team was called out to Gloucestershire at the request of local police.”
A source told the newspaper that the patient found the shell as he was doing a clear out.
They said: "He said he put it on the floor then he slipped and fell on it — and it went up his a***.
“He was in a considerable amount of pain. I think he collected military memorabilia.”
A defence source was also quoted by The Sun, who said that it was “an inert lump of metal” and that there was no risk to life during the, er, removal.
A spokesperson for Gloucestershire Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust told Indy100 that safety protocols were followed during the incident.
They said: “As with any incident involving munitions, the relevant safety protocols were followed to ensure that there was no risk to patients, staff or visitors at any time.”
The patient has since been discharged from the hospital and will make a full recovery.
But the internet will not make a full recovery after it spent the afternoon beside itself at the funny news, posting a series of reactions and memes:
Military memorabilia collector seeks help after he 'slipped and fell on' a WW2 artillery shell and lodged it in his rectum 'during a clear-out'. Army bomb disposal experts were called... along with a local choir who sang Rule Britannia as it was removedhttps://t.co/kCQyJxuY6p
— Otto English (@Otto_English) December 3, 2021
Talk about weapons of ass destruction! #rectum pic.twitter.com/KvKJ86WlVK
— 🌈Knazzer (@knazzer) December 3, 2021
I suppose on balance, if you did turn up at A&E with an unexploded WW2 shell lodged in your rectum, "I tripped and fell on it" is about as good an explanation it's going to get.https://t.co/dcy8qhexgL
— Alan White (@aljwhite) December 3, 2021
"When tidying the ordnance I tripped and fell, lodging the shell in my rectum" pic.twitter.com/4oF63i5eCl
— Mark (@MarkMobile68) December 3, 2021
“I once went to A&E after slipping at home and accidentally inserting a WW2 artillery shell into my rectum.” pic.twitter.com/xidtCZUdqY
— J.R.Hartley’s Armchair (@JRsArmchair) December 3, 2021
Downing Street insists, “All the rules were followed.” https://t.co/dHJP591a8g
— Count Binface (@CountBinface) December 3, 2021
You wear a poppy, I cause a bomb squad to be called after lodging a WWII shell into my rectum. We're not the same. pic.twitter.com/bIT4N9pTtR
— Alex Eccleston (@AventuraObscura) December 3, 2021
Many people joked that the “bomb squad” in this instance was more like the “bum squad”:
Dials 999
— NeilMackay (@NeilMackay) December 3, 2021
'Hello, operator, this is an emergency, can you put me through to the Bum Squad, please?' https://t.co/xLwWPEkVr2
Apparently they had to call out the Army bum squad. https://t.co/5rp44FPDpR
— Brexit Buster (@BrexitBuster) December 3, 2021
Call the bum squad pic.twitter.com/4e3mFa3cwB
— STAY SAFE, IT'S NOT OVER YET (@RD_vs_EW_vs_VI) December 3, 2021
Missed an opportunity to use “Bum Squad”
— Phil (@Phil_TheTrain) December 3, 2021
We’re sure he’ll be more careful about “slipping and falling” on such items in the future and we hope he’ll “shell” out for something more fit for purpose...
