If you’re a couple, making the decision to live together is a pretty big deal. It’s a sign that you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level and see how you get on sharing a space and most of your time together. It’s certainly not something you want to rush into.
For one woman, though, she was more than a little taken aback when her 29-year-old boyfriend (who lives with his parents) decided to show up at her door with his bags packed and fully intending to move in. He even added that he thought it would be a nice surprise for her.
More info: mumsnet
BF showed up at GF’s place with his bags packed, declared he was moving in
Taken aback, GF let him move in, worried that the relationship might end if she didn’t
She said she liked her own space and wasn’t ready to take the relationship to the next level yet
29-year-old BF said if they couldn’t live together, he’d drop the whole relationship
BF ended up collecting his stuff, moving out, and calling it quits
OP begins her story with the startling revelation that her 29-year-old boyfriend showed up at her door unannounced and declared he was moving in. This came as a nasty surprise to OP, who says in her post on the mumsnet community that the couple had never even discussed the option of living together.
The boyfriend, who used to live with his parents, told OP that he’d be happy to pay his way and split the bills, but OP confided to her readers that she wasn’t ready to move their relationship to the ‘living together’ level.
OP admits that she didn’t ask him to move back to his parents right away because she was worried it would have a negative effect on their relationship. At the same time, she adds that she liked her own space and wasn’t at all ready to live together yet.
OP and her BF exchanged some calls and texts while he was at work, in which he revealed that, if he couldn’t stay with her, he’d quit the whole relationship. OP said she’d be happy to keep dating and let him spend the occasional night over at hers, but he responded by saying that he was past that.
Well, the boyfriend didn’t come back to her place after work, but all his stuff was still there. He didn’t even reach out to OP to tell her what was going on. The next day, things came to an abrupt end, with the boyfriend picking up his stuff and calling it quits on the entire romance.
From what OP writes in her post, it would certainly seem that the boyfriend was acting in an entitled manner and was being entirely inconsiderate of OP’s boundaries. The fact that he wouldn’t compromise on the issue also demonstrates that he’s probably quite immature.
Moving in together isn’t a decision to be taken lightly, after all. In fact, a Stanford University study of American couples and their dating patterns discovered that 25% of couples moved in after 4 months, 50% moved in after a year, and 70% had moved in with each other after 2 years.
But after four years of dating, 10% of couples had still not made the move to live together—which emphasizes the concept that the choice mostly depends on your personal preference.
Neha Prabhu, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in premarital counseling, says that when it comes to determining a time frame, “why” is more important than “when.”
“There is no one-size-fits-all timeline,” she says in an article for MindBodyGreen. “If you’re thinking about moving in together, don’t just let it happen—be intentional. I’d encourage people to first consider why they want to move in together and how it would benefit their specific relationship.”
Moving in too soon can be disastrous for a relationship. The couple will be at risk of still being in the ‘honeymoon phase’, where their infatuation will cancel out any red flags, simply because it’s too early to tell.
Living together can amplify your differences, so if you haven’t yet established a sturdy foundation, you could be in for some challenges.
“I have clients who have broken up almost immediately after moving in together,” says Lauren Korshak, LMFT, a therapist, former matchmaker, and author of The Mindful Relationship. “The move and co-occurring stresses were the first real challenges they faced in the relationship.”
Discussing your finances, assets, and contingency plans up front can save you a lot of awkwardness, and even anger, should the relationship come to an end once you’re living under the same roof.
What would you have done in OP’s situation? Do you think her boyfriend was out of line? Let us know your opinions in the comments!
Most commenters seemed to agree that the GF had dodged a bullet and that her BF obviously had no respect for her
