In her new “Renaissance” documentary, Beyoncé admits something many of us hesitate to say aloud: She was a people pleaser.
“I spent so much of my life a serial people pleaser,” the Grammy winner says in the film, per Variety and The New York Times, but she’s over it now.
“I have nothing to prove to anyone at this point,” she says.
A fellow pop superstar has discussed similar behavior, too. Taylor Swift hints at this inclination in song “You’re Losing Me”: “And I wouldn’t marry me either / A pathological people pleaser / Who only wanted you to see her.”
People pleasing sounds sweet enough. That barista gets your name wrong on your coffee order? Whatever. It’s your roommate’s turn to take out the trash, but they insist it’s yours? Sure, OK. Your partner always wants to watch romantic comedies, but you can’t stand them?
Wait a minute.
Let Beyoncé giving up people pleasing be your guide post.
Deferring to others’ wants and needs so much that we lose ourselves in the process is a dangerous game, experts say, and one you should avoid if you notice a pattern.
“People pleasing is like setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm,” says T.M. Robinson-Mosley, a counseling psychologist. “It often means overextending yourself at your own expense by prioritizing the wants and needs of someone else over your own needs.”
Making someone else feel good isn’t inherently a problem.
“People often do nice things for a range of reasons whether it’s to feel good, to help out, to return a favor or you’re in a reciprocal relationship, so it’s to return a favor or earn a favor,” Mosley says. “If you’re doing that, that’s normative and pretty healthy and makes a lot of sense.”
It’s more about why you’re doing that nice thing.
“The challenge is, if you are saying yes to things,because you’re afraid that you’re going to be disliked or rejected or you feel like there is going to be some kind of negative consequence,” Mosley says.
This type of thinking often develops because of a childhood experience.
“Perhaps growing up, you were criticized, made fun of or shamed for expressing your needs or making requests,” says Chelsey Cole, a psychotherapist and author of “If Only I’d Known: How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth.”
“Or maybe in adult toxic relationships, you were given the silent treatment or threatened with abandonment if your needs clashed with your partner’s.”
Society conditions girls and women in particular to be people pleasers.
“Often, young women receive validation for being vigilant about how others perceive their looks, personality and willingness to make nice,” clinical psycologist Alice Shepard says.
Self-sacrificing in favor of others isn’t necessarily something to be proud of.
“Going too far to please others can leave you feeling emotionally depleted and resentful, extremely stressed, anxious and sometimes having a limited amount of time because you’ve invested that time in others,” Mosley says.
Burnout and depression can result, too.
By giving up so much of yourself, too, you risk being inauthentic in relationships.
So how can you tell if you’re a people pleaser? Consider these questions:
- Do you often feel hesitant or on edge when sharing your feelings or thoughts?
- Do you feel like you have to choose between your needs and others’ needs?
- Do you often worry that you’re being a burden if you ask for something?
If you answer yes to questions like these, according to Cole, you might be a people pleaser.
“Extreme people pleasers or those stuck in a fawn response don’t even feel like they’re making a choice to people please,” Cole says. “It feels automatic, like pulling your hand back from a hot stove.”
Therapy could help people discover the causes of their people pleasing, such as low self-esteem or a traumatic experience.
But what do you do? One thing is to establish boundaries.
“If you are constantly regretting your decision to put others before you, if it is negatively impacting your ability to care for your health — mental, physical, emotional and spiritual — if you are starting to have resentment, these are signs that you need to address this issue,” says Raquel Martin, a clinical psychologist.
And, when in doubt, heed the words of Beyoncé: Don’t let anyone break your soul.
Read more at usatoday.com
