Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.
Mountain Dew has long been a staple of low-budget boozing. It’s always been easy to pair with alcohol; an Army buddy clued me in to the versatility of “combat margaritas,” which is Dew mixed with whatever bottle you can dig up near the base. About a decade ago, when our nation was gripped by its Whipped Cream Vodka phase (just me? You sure?), Diet Mountain Dew and the perky booze in question combined to make a drink, I swear, tasted pretty much like Sour Skittles.
The folks at PepsiCo understood this. That’s why they made a hard seltzer version of Mountain Dew. They also understood it would take time for a nation to adjust to Dew its residents wouldn’t have to bother mixing extra liquor into. That’s why it’s only available in a few select states.
After rolling out in Florida, Tennessee and Iowa (the big three!), Hard Mountain Dew’s multicolored variety packs — three cans each of Baja Blast, watermelon, black cherry and traditional Dew flavor — doubled that scope to Arkansas, Oklahoma and Minnesota. Feeling regrets yet, coastal elites?
It hasn’t yet made it to Wisconsin’s rabid market, but I happened to have a friend passing through the Ozarks a couple weeks back. He first picked up a 12-er at Wal-Mart as a joke, then drank that and a couple more before buying a few more for the trip home.
This was the highest possible praise for a beverage for which I held no legitimate hopes. Now, I drink it to honor him.
And honor the soda that once marketed itself as the top choice of hillbillies everywhere, of course.
Baja Blast: A-
This pours like regular Baja Blast, fresh out of the Taco Bell tap but with (slightly) less carbonation. The smell is pure sugary Dew-y bliss. Once it’s in the glass, a lovely reverse rainstorm of CO2 floats its way to the top of the cup. It looks like a damn Willy Wonka drink, if Wonka wanted to get kids drunk instead of murder them.
It tastes almost like the real thing — a little more syrupy, but it’s sweet and there’s only a slight hint of the neutral spirits that give it its 5 percent ABV kick. Did I say sweet? Hooo boy, is it sweet.
The aftertaste is a fine layer of Splenda, but I actually am digging it. For a drink that clocks in with the same ABV (5 percent) and calories (100) of a White Claw, there’s a whole lot more flavor.
And since it’s a pretty solid approximation of Mountain Dew, you already know and probably like those flavors. This isn’t rolling the dice with calamansi or blood orange. This is the foundation drink you pounded alongside a Mexican pizza and three Crunchwraps because you don’t have any self control you monster.
This is a best case scenario for Mountain Dew. I am thrilled to try the next three flavors. God, and I wanted to hate drink this like so many king cans of Four Loko before it.
Watermelon: A
The non-alcoholic version of this is called “Major Melon,” which sounds like it’s 91 percent of the way to an ’80s adult film title. This is only “watermelon,” however, and it bums me out. It smells like Boone’s Farm, which *further* bums me out.
Oh, but the taste, friends. This is a sugary delight, and the alcoholic, acidic tang of bad wine or neutral spirits is swept away in that sweetness. This tastes like a soda — I’m not getting any booze in these sips — and a pretty good one at that. Mountain Dew always made a good diet soda, so the swap of sugar/corn syrup for whatever saccharine substitute they’ve got going on here isn’t especially noticeable.
But I drink those sugar-free versions a lot, so maybe I’m numb to it. Either way, god bless. This is so good it’s dangerous. I just want to pour it into a 52-ounce cup filled with crushed ice, stick a two-foot straw into it and sip it at a tailgate until I forget I rode two hours to watch a Vanderbilt game. It should take about 15 minutes at this rate.
Regular Dew flavor: B-
Oh yeah, there’s the “I drank radioactive dye before this hospital visit” urine color of Mountain Dew. It smells exactly like the real thing, too. Mountain Dew, that is. Not urine. This is a promising start.
There’s more evidence there’s booze in this one, maybe because regular Mountain Dew is much more recognizable than its spinoffs (unless you’re the kind of lunatic that eats Taco Bell every day, in which case, congratulations on your stainless steel intestines). It’s a little sweeter and more syrupy than the alternative.
There’s also something a little… smoky? about it. It’s still plenty drinkable, but having tried it after watermelon and Baja Blast makes it seem much weaker by comparison.
Black cherry: B
Oh my goodness, another straight-up candy smell out of the can. I’m a little wary of black cherry since, with booze involved, you too often wind up with something that tastes like cough syrup.
This hits that a little, and the sweetness leaves it a little sloppier and not nearly as crisp as the cherry offerings of, say High Noon. It’s not as drinkable as Baja Blast or watermelon, but holy crap, it tastes great when you come back to it after five minutes. Sweet and tasty and with few indications this has the booze content of a typical beer inside.
Every time I come back to this one, slowly warming in my cupholder, I like it more. You know what? B+.
Ah man, I really like Hard Mountain Dew. I’m gonna get judged a lot at gas stations once this is available nationwide, aren’t I?
