ANYONE BUT CHELSEA: AN ‘ANYONE BUT UNITED’ FOR A NEW SUPERCLUB
The Fiver, despite its ultra-modern image as an electronic mail-out service also published daily at the football.guardian portal on the information superhighway and best viewed in Netscape Navigator, is older than it looks. Very much a child of the 1980s, in fact, which would explain all those oblique and frankly clapped-out references to long-forgotten cultural touchstones of the era such as Sting, Channel 4 afternoon cartoon character Murun Buchstansangur, and Liverpool FC. We’ve no time, kids, best ask mum or dad.
Anyway, we’re old enough to remember days long ago when Chelsea were not considered to be one of England’s big clubs. And as a result, despite all those subsequent league titles, FA Cups and European trophies, The Fiver has never mentally bracketed the club with the Manchester Uniteds and Arsenals of this world. Until now. “Many people are disappointed with this result,” insisted José Mourinho in the wake of his side’s 3-2 win at West Brom on Sunday. “They love Chelsea to lose a game.” And in one moody, entitled huff, Mourinho unwittingly but unequivocally rubber-stamped Chelsea’s top-bracket credentials in The Fiver’s tiny mind for ever more. Because only those ensconced at the biggest clubs develop such severe myopia (Latin: Caecus wengerus) that they become genuinely affronted (Latin: Apoplexia fergus) upon realising that supporters of other teams find their rare mishaps mildly amusing. The very thought of it!
Chelsea having thus arrived, they’re taking advantage of their exalted new status in The Fiver’s head, and large quantities of Roman Abramovich’s equally useful cash, to prise John Stones away from – apologies again to any kids reading, but here comes another of The Fiver’s laboured does-anyone-remember-Pages-From-Ceefax-style 80s reminisces – Everton. They’ve already had a £30m bid turned down for the youngster, who looks the real deal providing he’s not asked to play at right back in a Merseyside derby, and are planning to return this week with anything up to £40m. “I won’t sell him, Bill [the chairman, him from out of Coronation Street] won’t sell him,” insists Everton director Jon Woods. So there’s another statement that’s unequivocally rubber-stamped something in The Fiver’s noggin. And it isn’t particularly good news for Everton supporters. Let’s hope for their sake that this Ramiro Funes Mori can put in a shift.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Organise all Jermain’s personal needs ie dry-cleaners, gardeners, house refurbishments, sourcing interior designers and everyday tasks, etc. Regularly checking the home when Jermain is away, making sure all is in place for his return ie fridge is stocked and plants watered and house is clean” – we’re off to get the job and become Jermain Defoe’s 24/7 personal assistant. Apply here.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Friday’s Fiver, it appears QPR’s ‘anatomical oddities’ with Charlie Austin are more concerning than we thought” – Kyle Chandler.
“Inspired by your comparison of Arsène Wenger to Biggie Smalls (Friday’s Bits and Bobs), I took the fanciful liberty of rewriting the first four lines of the second verse of Biggie’s track Hypnotize as though it’s the Arsenal manager taunting his rivals:
‘I put José’s Chelsea into the freaking sea (uh-huh); Pellegrini, and Louis VG (that’s right); In Brendan goes, Sakho, Coutinho (c’mon); Every Spur like cur avec rigour (haaaah!).’ I thought that was half an hour well spent” – Alistair Drummond.
“Bacon fries? Scampi fries with their tell-tale and suspect finger ruining stench (Fiver letters passim)? There is only one true pub snack, Mr Porky Pork Scratchings. Or maybe those packets of Big D peanuts, the ones that when removed from their cardboard frame reveal an almost glamorous starlet in a bikini. They’re the kind of overly salted snacks you want for building up a thirst” – Tim Grey.
“In the week when we have seen the users of the Ashley Madison website having the details of their private affairs splurged all over the internet, we now have Declan O’Riordan publicly proclaiming through these pages that he is no longer interested in marriage to the newly-wed Jennifer Aniston (Friday’s Fiver letters). Did he not stop to think how cruel it is for her to read about his sudden change of heart along with the other millions, thousands, couple of dozen people who read The Fiver? At least he could have told the lady first. The age of chivalry is well and truly dead” – Robert Darby.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Kyle Chandler.
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BITS AND BOBS
West Brom have turned down a written transfer request from “great lad” Saido Berahino.
Mario Balotelli is heading back to Milan.
Brendan Rodgers has denied compromising his managerial principles to accommodate Christian Benteke at Liverpool. “Ultimately it’s about results but, for me, it’s also how we play,” he purred. “I worry that we play good football.”
Leicester City offensive co-ordinator Claudio Ranieri insists the club will never be tempted to cash in on Riyad Mahrez. “We don’t sell him so there is no price,” he roared. “I want to improve him in the offensive line.”
Steve McClaren has vowed to field the strongest team he can as Newcastle bid to end their 46-year cup drought, starting in Milk Cup against Northampton. “It’s another game and nobody – nobody – in football wants to lose a football match,” he blabbed.
The head of Fifa’s new reform committee reckons Po’ Sepp Blatter has been unfairly criticised. “Unfortunately, it’s always like that when somebody stays too long, the negative side gets noticed,” honked François Carrard.
The Queen’s Celtic’s Stuart Armstrong has been called into the Scotland squad for their scrappy Euro 2016 qualifying win over Georgia and heroic defeat to Germany. That squad in full: Gordon (Queen’s Celtic), Marshall (Cardiff), McGregor (Hull), Berra (Ipswich), Forsyth (Derby), Greer (Brighton), Hanley (Blackeye Rovers), Hutton (Aston Villa), Martin (Norwich), Mulgrew (Queen’s Celtic), Robertson (Hull), Whittaker (Norwich), Anya (Watford), Armstrong (Queen’s Celtic), McFiver (Fiver Towers), Brown (Queen’s Celtic), Fletcher (West Brom), Forrest (Queen’s Celtic), Maloney (Chicago Fire), Morrison (West Brom), McArthur (Crystal Palace), Ritchie (Bournemouth), Russell (Derby), Fletcher (Sunderland), Griffiths (Queen’s Celtic), Martin (Derby), Naismith (Everton).
And Norwich have told Bournemouth they have more chance of a Tribe Called Quest re-forming and doing half-time shows at every home game this season than getting their hands on Lewis Grabban. “Lewis is an important member of the squad and I’m not interested in selling him to one of our direct competitors,” growled Alex Neil.
STILL WANT MORE?
Run out of gin and in need of something to lift your Monday mood? This round-up of bangin’ goal after bangin’ goal should do the trick.
Juventus’s start to the season has been as painful as the time Morrissey crashed down on the crossbar – or the time you tried to read his Penguin Classic – but then the other Serie A title contenders were just as miserable on opening weekend, reports Paolo Bandini.
What with their fancy new dietary regime and fancy new fitness coach and fancy new 4-0 wins, Borussia Dortmund have shed the weight of last season and are starting to look like their old selves once more, writes Raphael Honigstein.
Our top team of writers could have spent their Sunday watching re-runs of Hill Street Blues or Growing Pains or Laverne & Shirley, but instead they chose to write about 10 talking points from the weekend’s Premier League action.
Speaking of talking points. Grahams Parker and Ruthven have whipped up five of them from the weekend’s MLS action because we knew you could not be trusted to.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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THE IMDB TALE HAS TO WAIT
