Since the global takeover of smartphones, lavatory literature has become a thing of the past.
Nowadays, suppose you so happen to enter a bathroom lined with stacks of weathered orange Penguin books. The sad likelihood is that they’ve been purchased second-hand for decorative rather than intellectual purposes.
Toilet roll holders featuring additional phone-sized shelves are more popular than ever, offering a handy solution for when your highly important personal business is complete. Dedicated phone sanitisers are hitting the market, not just to appease a post-Covid mindset around germs, but to offer a hygienic solution for those who can’t enter the powder room without a digital distraction.
At the same time, there appears to be a distinct disillusionment with our addiction to social media and short-form video entertainment. We lament how we have become reliant on scrolling at every waking moment and diagnose ourselves with various, consequential attention deficit disorders.
Ever-controversial frontman of the 1975 Matty Healy has been known to poke fun at this by playing slime-making tutorials, TV show clips and iPhone game run-throughs while talking to the crowd during the band’s At Their Very Best tour.
Have you too felt personally attacked by the likes of Matty Healy and the digital overlords who seek to influence and exploit our daily habits? We couldn’t understand more. That’s why we’re appealing for the return of proper bathroom books to keep our brains ticking over a little while longer.
From short-form history books and illustrated philosophies to crossword collections, keep scrolling for a selection of the best toilet tales, potty publications, John journals and privy propositions to keep you entertained in the bathroom – no screens required. It’s time to gush over brilliant reads before you flush.
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Clean and Decent: The Fascinating History of the Bathroom and WC by Lawrence Wright
We dread to think of a time before the flushable toilet was invented. Yet anyone who has visited the likes of the London Dungeons on a school trip knows just how badly a street in Victorian London would’ve smelled.
Lawrence Wright’s History of the Bathroom and WC was published back in 1960 and new scholarship is constantly emerging on the topic. Nevertheless, the petite 300-page treatise offers a rollicking summary of the societal changes which led us to become far more discrete and private about our personal powder room habits. Wright also provides insight into the lavatorial behaviours of famous figures throughout history to deliver valuable insights into plumbing history.
Buy now £3.26, Amazon
Poems on the Underground By Judith Chernaik, Gerard Benson and Cicely Herbert
Published in 2015 to celebrate the 30th birthday of Poems on the Underground, editors Chernaik, Benson and Herbert collate those wondrous literary marvels which illuminate our morning and evening commutes. Curated to celebrate the richness and diversity of our capital city and the breadth of our cultural influences, Poems on the Underground has become a veritable institution.
We just hope there will be a 40th birthday revision by 2025. This edition, however, contains works by the likes of Owen Sheers, Paul Muldoon, Sylvia Plath, William Blake, D. H. Lawrence, Kathleen Raine, Roger McGough, Wilfred Owen, Wendy Cope and John Clare, and many others.
Buy now £14.99, Waterstones
What If? Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions by Randall Munroe
Do you consider yourself a veritable toilet philosopher? Have you pondered the great mysteries of the universe while perched on the bog? Randall Munroe has written just the book for you. The creator of the beloved webcomic xkcd.com crafts an ingenious and witty yarn which provides hypothetical answers to seemingly ridiculous and un-answerable questions.
The author pours over declassified military research memos and runs computer simulations in an attempt to answer questions such as: ‘How fast can you hit a speed bump, driving, and live?’ and ‘When will Facebook contain more profiles of dead people than living?’.
Buy now £6.00, Amazon
overheard at waitrose: poetry of the public by Theresa Vogrin and Nathan Bragg
A wonderfully satirical take on the advent of Instagram poetry, Vogrin and Bragg collate a series of overheard quips and complaints from the customers of Britain’s poshest grocery chain. Split into three sections titled ‘the gossiping’, ‘the loving’ and ‘the pestering’, the book of transcriptions is dedicated to those strange customers who brighten up our days.
Buy now £7.03, Amazon
The New York Times Mini Crosswords
Engaging in puzzles while the engaged sign glows red on the other side of the door is all well and good until your feet go numb. Leave that tricky sudoku and extra-long crossword to your lengthy morning commute and elevate your bathroom bookshelf with The New York Times Mini Crosswords instead. Perfect for completing in a pinch, you’ll leave the loo with a greater sense of satisfaction than ever before.
Buy now £6.99, Amazon
If Walls Could Talk by Lucy Worsley
One of the most fascinating questions posed by Lucy Worsley in this brilliant book is – Why did gas lighting cause Victorian ladies to faint? Well, we certainly know the effects of gaslighting on contemporary women, but we’re desperate to know how London being lit with gas had a physical effect on the fairer sex. If Walls Could Talk delivers a fantastic history of the household on a room-by-room basis, covering everything from why flushing toilets took two centuries to catch on, to why medieval people slept sitting bolt upright.
Buy now £11.18, Amazon
The Groovy Greeks and Rotten Romans By Terry Deary
Far from being just for kids, Terry Deary’s brilliant Horrible Histories offers timeless, endless entertainment. Brush up on your knowledge of early history featuring quizzes, recipes, games and tests to complete while you’re busy on the bog.
Buy now £7.70, Amazon
How to be a Brit by George Mikes
On a day-to-day basis, we don’t tend to think too deeply about the hundreds of idiosyncrasies which constitute a British identity. Though published in 1984, the many and varied associated with proper Britishness covered by George Mikes continue to ring true today. Some of our personal favourite chapter headers include: How Not to Be Clever, How to Be Rude, How to Compromise and How to Be a Hypocrite.
It’s the follow-up to Hungarian-born Mikes’s most popular book, also based on more than forty years of observing British behaviours and misbehaviours, How to be an Alien.
Buy now £9.99, Amazon
Small Pleasures by The School of Life
Each chapter of this delightfully cheerful book focuses on the strange wonders of the world which may have otherwise gone unnoticed. From the strange display in the fish shop window to constellations, reading Small Pleasures helps readers to rediscover the sense of childhood wonder that made us curious about anything and everything.
Buy now £7.99, Amazon
The Penguin Book Quiz by James Walton
The perfect addition to any book lover’s shelf, The Penguin Book Quiz is filled to the brim with over 400 questions covering both literary classics and contemporary yarns. It’s also a brilliant pub quiz revision book, for you’ll find yourself able to answer questions such as ‘Which Haruki Murakami novel shares its title with a Beatles song?’ And ‘What do you get if you add the number of Bennet sisters in Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice to the number of Karamazov brothers in Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov?’
Buy now £10.11, Amazon
Architectural Digest at 100: A Century of Style
Published for Architectural Digest’s 100th year anniversary, this book is a rich visual portrayal of the magazine’s first century.
It’s a collection of the best from the magazine’s pages, from personal spaces of celebrities like Barak Obama and David Bowie to the work of top designers and architects like David Hicks and India Mahdavi, it’s a feast for the eyes of any fan of architecture, interiors and design.
Buy now £90.00, Waterstones
The Story of Art Without Men by Katy Hessel
This instant best-seller is a feminist, revisionary history of art by the inimitable Katy Hessel. An essential first step in re-conceptualising the artistic canon by putting the historically sidelined sex at the forefront, this brilliant text makes a fantastic gift.
Buy now £11.95, Amazon
The Lives of 50 Fashion Legends by Fashionary
Who was Tom Ford? Are Gianni and Donatella Versace related? Why is John Galliano back in the news? Fashionary’s visual book offers the reader a step-by-step guide to fashion’s most celebrated designers. Discover how they forged their glittering careers, how they championed trends and the adversities they may have faced (trust us - there are many).
Playful graphics accompany the easy read, depicting fifty of the most famous fashion designers to grace the runway.
Buy now £13.99, Amazon
