Gifts are rarely just gifts, they’re weighted with myriad meanings, expressions of the relationship between the giver and receiver. Of course, it’s perfectly possible that the exchange is about giving something nice and thoughtful that makes them happy, but more often, and particularly at Christmas, it’s about dominance, manipulation, and outright sadism. The giver has assessed the receiver, judged what they sorely lack in life, and then aims to plug that gaping wound with a badly wrapped trinket.
As such, almost any gift could have negative connotations, particularly in our trigger-happy times (“Diamonds? So…you’re saying I’m not valuable enough just as me.”), but there are also some presents that stand-alone as masterfully passive-aggressive gifts, that casually appear nice whilst carrying all kinds of nasty. Buy them for someone you ostensibly love.
A futuristic iron
A classic of the pass-agg gift, made delicious by the modernised functions and abundance of buttons, which make it appear to be not a tool of drudgery but a wrinkle-thwarting lightsaber for middle-aged Jedis.
What it purports to say: “Look, we’re in a long-term relationship, we need upgrades of household items and you’re always complaining about the iron, so this is thoughtful and mature gifting suggestive of domestic and relationship contentment.”
What it really says: “What little you do around the house, is poorly executed. Pull your finger out or make enough money to get us a housekeeper.”
A nice new dressing gown
Obviously this is very much dependent on the type of dressing gown. Giving a Celine dressing gown, or whatever, to a loved one is not passive aggressive. But we’re not talking about that, we’re talking about slightly-posh-but-not-really £50ish department store dressing gown, the type we all get, chuck to one side and never wear even once. Unless of course, you are someone who wears a dressing gown all the time, in which case…
What it purports to say: “You wear a dressing gown all the time. Here is a slightly better dressing gown, or at least simply a new dressing gown, to upgrade your comfort and style. With a hint of sexiness of course! We all like it when it drops off one shoulder while you’re reading the paper, don’t we?!”
What it really says: “That ratty old, milk-stained dressing gown you live in makes me want to vomit blood. It stinks and makes you look – and smell – like my grandmother just before she died. If there is any hope for us as a sexually active unit, you have to stop slobbing around like The Dude. Hopefully this new one won't fall off so much and I can keep my breakfast down.”
A self-help book
Wow, you really want to fuel the creative, entrepreneurial fire that even now is sparking inside your love one, don’t you? Don’t you?
What it purports to say: “I believe in you. And this book will channel your abilities and help fulfil your potential in life and work. Because, by God, I believe in you.”
What it really says: “I don’t believe in you. Your failure in work is only matched by your failure in life. If you don’t pull your finger out soon and start to earn some serious cash, I’ll be running for the hills before I catch a dose of ‘Loser’ too.”
Running trainers
Not given to runners, obviously. Runners like running trainers. Non runners hate running trainers, so give it to them. Any gift that points to a new hobby that the receiver has hitherto shown no interest in, is fantastic pass-agg action.
What it purports to say: “Back in March you mentioned you fancied taking up a bit of exercise, so here's a nice excuse to do so with some cool trainers that are actually your size, I checked. Long life will be your reward (and mine)."
What it really says: “You’re unfit, lazy, and in decline. If I have to see your slug-like form oozing out of bed at midday on a Sunday one more time, I swear to God I’ll take a cattle prod to you.”
Gut health test kit
Our knowledge of the link between a health gut and our mental health is only fully coming to true understanding in this enlightened era of the biohacker. Gifting this feels both of the moment and caring. If only it were.
What it purports to say: “Use this to gain better understanding of your body in the hope that you live healthier, happier and longer. After all, you are the gift that keeps on giving.”
What it really says: “Shit in the bag, asshole, something is fucked up in you.”
Nice item from Boden
Almost anything from Boden is perfect as a gift. Perfect for your intentions.
What it purports to say: “This cosy little item will keep you snug and stylish for the winter months, my widdle snuggly wuggly smudgy wudgy.”
What it really says: “You are no longer sexually attractive to me.”
Portion plate
For the food-conscious person, this is a valuable aid to help regulate and evaluate what you’re eating. After all, the days of ramming any old filth into your mouth are gone. This is the future, right here, right now.
What it purports to say: “I care about you, I care about your health, I want to aid you in your personal growth journey.”
What it really says: “You’re fat, and no wonder. Watching you snaffling down a pizza in front of Strictly makes me want to smoke crack.”
A window vacuum
The must-have gadget for any mould-conscious Londoner, you can suck the condensation of the windows in a fun, as well as responsible, manner.
What it purports to say: “I know you get a kick out of gadgets, and this is one you’re sure to love, which will also help look after the house as well as our health."
What it really says: “Your stinking breath is killing our kids. Suck it off, you disgust me.”
Novelty socks
Virtually a must-buy for the man in your life, a cheeky little nod and a wink to bring a smile and maybe even a Christmas kiss from him. Because the idiot just never gets it, does he?
What it purports to say: “You retain your boyish charm. Wear these to work to repel the daily drudgery with a small but valuable reminder of the joy-giver you are.”
What it really says: “You’ve lost whatever you once had and are now one of those generic-y blokes who make up the edifice of the patriarchy, holding up the progress of the new generation while rotting in place. Hopefully these socks will in some small way make up for your loss of anything resembling a personality.”
Wellness Journal
Write down your thoughts and dreams and manifest your future. What a beautiful little gift for someone you are heavily judging...
What it purports to say: "You matter. Your inner world is a mystery to me, maybe even yourself, but this journal will help you order your abundance of ideas and help you discover a personal philosophy that may well be transformative.
What it really says: "I don't know what fucked up shit is going on in your head but I can't take your bullshit anymore. Write your lunatic ravings down if that helps, but stop taking your problems out on me."
