You never know what kind of Jose Mourinho is going to turn up in a press conference. The Portuguese may be angry; he may be dismissive; he may be full of beans; and he can be extremely pleasant and engaging.
Whatever mood the “special one” is in, he’s never failed to create a decent headline. Here, we look back at some of the great manager’s best-ever quotes, some of which we guarantee will make you chuckle.
32. No one likes us
“Everybody was waiting for Chelsea not to win every game, and one day when we lose, there will be a holiday in the country.”
Chelsea were good between 2004 and 2006. Very good. The problem when you’re good, though, is that people start wanting you to slip up. Jose’s Chelsea won back-to-back titles to become that team.
31. Arriving at Real
“I am Jose Mourinho and I don’t change. I arrive with all my qualities and my defects.”
It was nice to hear Jose admit that he is human and that despite being the “special one”, he does have defects, too, which he let everyone know when he was named Real Madrid manager in 2010.
30. Not a Poll fan
“If you ask me if I jump with happiness when I know Mr Poll is our referee? No.”
It’s not exactly unusual for a manager to fall out with a referee or two, but Jose was very direct when discussing what he thought of Graham Poll. It’s safe to say that the retired official is probably not on Jose’s Christmas card list.
29. Drogba a “diver”
“I am no longer Chelsea coach and I do not have to defend them any more, so I think it is correct if I say Drogba is a diver.”
War would have broken out if anyone had accused the Ivorian of cheating during Jose’s tenure at Stamford Bridge. A year after leaving Chelsea, however, and Jose seemed to have a different opinion.
28. Damning Wenger verdict
“He's a specialist in failure.”
Mourinho was responding to Arsene Wenger's claim that other Premier League managers were playing down their title chances because they “fear to fail”. Jose’s response was typically direct and, in fairness, probably a little harsh. “Over the top,” said Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker.
27. Refusing to speak
“I have nothing to say.”
After losing 3-1 at home to Liverpool during his second time in charge at Chelsea, Jose gives one of his shorter post-match interviews. The under-fire boss is asked a series of questions, most of which he answers with the same five words. This is Jose at his most stubborn.
26. Horses
“We are a little horse. A horse that still needs milk and to learn how to jump.”
After beating Premier League favourites Manchester City 1-0 away from home in 2014, Mourinho is quick to play down Chelsea’s title challenge, insisting that the Sky Blues and Arsenal are the two “big horses”.
25. Minding his words
“I prefer really not to speak. If I speak, I am in big trouble, in big trouble, and I don’t want to be in big trouble.”
After a shock 1-0 defeat to Aston Villa, Jose does his best to avoid talking his way into trouble. “If I speak I am accused of bringing the game into disrepute,” he added.
24. Poor defending
“That was not a football score, it was a hockey score... in training I often play matches of three against three and when the score reaches 5-4 I send the players back to the dressing room, because they are not defending properly.”
Jose offers his opinion on Arsenal's 5-4 win over Tottenham in 2004.
23. On Ronaldo
“Maybe he thinks he knows everything and the coach cannot help him to develop more.”
There was always going to be a clash between these two at some point. Jose once brought up a technical aspect to help the superstar improve, and, the manager says, Ronaldo “didn’t take it very well”.
22. Holidays
“As you know Gallas had an unbelievable holiday. I hope he enjoyed it very much in Guadeloupe, which I think is a fantastic place to be on holiday, so he wanted to stay there for a long time.”
William Gallas once missed a first-team trip to America because he was on his holiday. His manager was irked.
21. The “only one”
“Like me or not, I am the only one who won the world's three most important leagues. So, maybe instead of the 'Special One', people should start calling me the 'Only One'”.
It wouldn’t have lasted, Jose, because Carlo Ancelotti also completed the set (Premier League, La Liga, Serie A). He’s conquered Germany and France, too. Awkward.
20. Cars
“If you have at home one Bentley and leave the Aston Martin in the garage you are a bit stupid.”
This is not the only car analogy Jose has made. It’s one of his best, though, and was used to explain why he rotates he squad. In other words, he’s used to having a lot of good options, so he uses them all.
19. A swipe at Messi
“How do you say cheating in Catalan?”
Lionel Messi really got under Jose’s skin after a match with Barcelona, which Chelsea lost 2-1. The London side’s full-back Asier Del Horno was shown a red card, but Jose believed it had been orchestrated by the great Argentine. He was not impressed.
18. Picking on Ric
“Ricardo Carvalho seems to have problems understanding things, maybe he should have an IQ test, or go to a mental hospital or something.”
Steady on there, Jose. The former Chelsea boss didn’t necessarily believe in discussing team matters behind closed doors. Carvalho isn’t the only player to have felt the wrath of the Portuguese.
17. Wenger the “voyeur”
“I think he is one of those people who is a voyeur. He likes to watch other people.”
Mourinho goes after Arsene Wenger in 2005 after the Arsenal boss makes comments about Chelsea’s pursuit of Ashley Cole. “There are some guys who, when they are at home, have this big telescope to look into the homes of other people,” he added.
16. On God
“He must really think I'm a great guy. He must think that, because otherwise He would not have given me so much. He has helped me out so much that He must have a very high opinion of me.”
You’ve forgotten to mention that He made such a handsome man, Jose.
15. Ball boy controversy
“You do this, one day somebody will punch you.”
Mourinho was incensed when a Crystal Palace ball boy took too long to give the ball back to Cesar Azpilicueta, who was looking to take a quick throw in. He decided to take action by holding immediate face-to-face talks with the offender. Fortunately for the then-Chelsea boss, he escaped FA sanction.
14. Haircuts
“I want to push the young players on my team to have a proper haircut, not the Rastafarian or the others they have.”
We were all left wondering why Jose made the decision to shave all his hair off (a poor decision), but there was a reason for it, as he explained.
13. Inter’s playing style
“It’s not important how we play. If you have a Ferrari and I have a small car, to beat you in a race I have to break your wheel or put sugar in your tank.”
This was one of the former Inter Milan boss’ better analogies, and goes some way to explaining his winning mentality.
12. Parking the cow
“You may as well put a cow in the middle of the pitch, walking. And then stop the game because there was a cow.”
Jose once got a little fed up after seeing his Chelsea fail to get a result against Newcastle, again. It had something to do with the Magpies slowing the game down. Not his best analogy, this one.
11. Roman Abramovich
“If Roman Abramovich helped me out in training we would be bottom of the league and if I had to work in his world of big business, we would be bankrupt!”
Roman Abramovich probably never ever imagined himself being a coach, anyway. As for Jose in a boardroom, that’s a scary thought.
10. Wine
“After the game on Wednesday we were together in my office and we spoke and drank wine. It was Chelsea Football Club catering that bought the wine, and obviously the wine was not the top quality that “the boss” deserves.”
Mourinho’s respect for Alex Ferguson is obvious, and he promised to make amends after once letting the United boss down with a sub standard bottle of wine.
9. Youth development
“Young players are a little bit like melons. Only when you open and taste the melon are you 100 per cent sure that the melon is good.”
Don’t let anyone ever tell you that Jose is only interested in buying established stars, for nothing gives him greater pleasure than helping young players turn into sweet-tasting melons.
8. Bird flu
“I am more scared of the bird flu than football. What is football compared with life?”
When Jose did start to feel a bit of heat from those above him at Chelsea, he did what all under pressure managers do – he came out with the bird flu line. It’s always a clever tactic.
7. Omelettes
“In the supermarket, you have eggs class one, class two, class three. Some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem.”
Another exceptional, albeit fairly long-winded, analogy. Jose was, of course, referring to an injury crisis at Chelsea.
6. He’s no magician
“Look, I'm a coach, I'm not Harry Potter. He is magical, but in reality, there is no magic. Magic is fiction and football is real.”
After a 0-0 draw with Mallorca in his first game in charge of Real Madrid, Jose was quick to confirm that despite being the “special one”, he was not a magician.
5. Thinking of the journos
“I always wanted to coach a big club in Italy. The job at Inter is a big challenge for me. And I do believe it could be very entertaining for the journalists.”
Mourinho’s number one reason for going to coach in Italy? To entertain the Italian football journalists, of course.
4. Cashmere blanket
“It's like having a blanket that is too small for the bed. You pull the blanket up to keep your chest warm and your feet stick out. I cannot buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed. But the blanket is made of cashmere!”
The transfer window has closed and Jose’s squad has injuries. See what he’s saying?
3. Being modest
“We are on top at the moment but not because of the club's financial power. We are in contention for a lot of trophies because of my hard work.”
Jose was keen to dismiss the idea that Roman Abramovich's wealth had anything to do with Chelsea’s purple patch in the mid 2000s.
2. George Clooney
“If they made a film of my life, I think they should get George Clooney to play me. He's a fantastic actor and my wife thinks he would be ideal.”
Admit it, you’d go and watch this film. If and when you do, keep an eye out for Jose’s wife.
1. The “special one”
“Please don’t call me arrogant because what I am saying is true, I’m European champion. I think I’m a special one.”
Mourinho’s famed moniker dates back to when he arrived at Chelsea for his first spell in charge at Stamford Bridge. He gave a memorable press conference. Maybe just a touch arrogant, Jose?
