E.L. James has a lot to answer for. Famed for her wildly popular Fifty Shades trilogy (which sold over 100 million copies), fans of her erotic romance novels have sent interest in bondage skyrocketing.
In fact, the once taboo sexual practice of BDSM has been winched from the dark, mysterious underground and exposed to a curious public - S&M is now decidedly mainstream. No wonder: especially when glorified on the big screen by Mr Grey and his submissive Anastasia, it looks like a surefire way to bring explosive fire into the bedroom.
Meanwhile, Netflix’s brand spanking new interior design series, How To Build A Sex Room, has fuelled the flames of interest in all-things bondage with sales for everything from faux floggers to Bondage Boutique shibari rope experiencing eye-widening growth.
The practice is popular for a number of reasons: relinquishing control can lead to an adrenaline rush and heighten other senses - especially if you’re blindfolded. It’s also a way to increase intimacy between you and your partner and introduce new levels to your sex life.
But, before you go rifling through your ribbon drawer in search of a homemade restraint, there are a few golden rules to know before diving in.
ES Best spoke to Annabelle Knight, Lovehoney’s sex and relationship expert, for her top tips for bondage virgins.
What exactly is bondage?
“Bondage is the sexual practice of restraining someone during sex, and falls under the umbrella term Power Play. Power Play is where one partner takes on a dominant role (the Dominant/Dom) and one takes on a submissive role (the submissive/sub). Restraint includes anything from holding the sub’s hands in a certain position, to using restraint tools like handcuffs. One of the first decisions you need to make is whether to be the Dom or the sub. Many couples like to take it in turns, which is fine.”
Lovehoney’s guide to bondage for beginners
ALWAYS use a safe word.
A safe word is something the submissive partner (the one who’s restrained) can use at any time to stop play immediately, and tells the Dominant partner (the one doing the tying) that they want to be released. Your safe word can be anything you like as long as you’ve both agreed on it before play. The best ones are short, easy to say and easy to remember. Your safe word should also stand out like a sore thumb in the middle of sex [so there’s no confusion].
Never leave a restrained person unattended - even for a moment.
If the Dominant needs to leave the room for any reason, always release your partner first.
As with all sex, bondage should be completely consensual.
If one or both of you aren’t enjoying the experience, use that safe word and stop immediately.
Always follow up with aftercare.
During bondage play, one partner dominates the other, which is super arousing and exciting in the moment, but can leave one or both of you feeling uncertain after it’s all over. Known as ‘sub-drop’, sometimes the submissive partner can feel a wash of sadness when playtime has finished and the endorphins wear off. Bondage aftercare is the process of reassuring your partner that you care for them. Lots of hugs, loving touches and an open chat about the experience you’ve just shared are great ways to do this.
She adds: “How you play is a matter of personal preference. Have a good chat with your partner before play and remember: the sub is the one who’s actually in control. Although the Dom may be guiding play at the moment, the sub calls the shots, and chooses when play is over [by saying the safe word]. If you communicate well as a couple, you should work out fairly quickly what works for you and what doesn’t.”
When it comes to bondage kit, the options vary from padded handcuffs to under-mattress restraint kits, more suited to seasoned bondage players. Knight says cuffs are: “a great place to start as they are easily adjustable for the best fit, and will never cause discomfort during play.”
If you want to dip a toe into the world of bondage, there’s no need to hold back. We’ve uncovered the best toys for beginners to set you on your bondage journey.
Prepare to unleash your wilder side
Ann Summers 12 Nights of Pleasure Gift Set
An advent calendar-style gift that would make Christmas elves blush, this devilish seven-piece gift set is designed to give couples a new toy to play with over the course of a week.
Inside the pink and black, boxes, you’ll find everything from lubricant, vibrators, and a pair of cuffs with buckle fastenings amongst other surprises. A gift for you both.
Buy now £100.00, Ann Summers
Ann Summers Black Beginners Bondage Set
An ideal kit for first-time bondage explorers (and at a price that’s hard to refuse), this set has everything you need to begin experimenting in the bedroom. We’re talking ankle and wrist cuffs with an attachable hog tie ring, a flogger made of webbing, a gag, and an eye mask to act as a blindfold. All accessories are in plain black and are well-made so should stand the test of time.
If you’re after something fancier, you can find a white faux leather set for £31.50.
Buy now £27.00, Ann Summers
Bondage Boutique Black Rose Beginner’s Flogger
A spanker or a tickler, the best way to use this, according to the experts, is to “focus impact on fleshy areas such as the buttocks and backs of the thighs. Never spank above the waist, over bony areas or anywhere over the spine or internal organs.”
So, if you’re brand new to this, try tapping gently with an open palm first as you’ll both be able to feel the impact and reach the right pleasure/pain level for you.
Buy now £19.99, Lovehoney
Black Feather Tickler Soft Feather Fur Brush Tickler
With double ends for naughty and nice play, this black riding crop opens the door to a world of possibilities. Made with PU leather, use the tasselled side for light spanking and the feather side to tickle extra sensitive skin.
Buy now £7.99, Amazon
Lovehoney Lucky Stars Glow-in-the-Dark Silicone Nipple Suckers
A good option for curious beginners, these little suckers can be used on their own or alongside other toys for heightened sensation during play.
Add lubricant along the edges to help them seal to the skin. Want to get them off? Simply flatten from the dome down to release.
Past customers have sung high praise for these unassuming bits of rubber, reporting enjoyable sucking sensations when placed on the chest or anywhere else you may enjoy a hickey. The glow-in-the-dark stars are a nice addition and mean you’ll be able to spot them if you’ve turned the lights out.
Buy now £12.99, Lovehoney
Bondara Luxe Leather Wrist and Ankle Spreader Bar
Once you’re comfortable with initial bondage play it may be time to graduate onto naughtier toys - like this spreader bar that comes with four restraints for various limbs. Unlike other models which use velcro to fasten, these come with padlocks adding extra restraint that will come into its own once the fun starts.
Bonus? One satisfied customer noted: “It’s also portable. I can toss it in my luggage when we go on holiday together.”
Buy now £45.99, Bondara
Coco de Mer Rose and Sandalwood Massage Oil
Lose yourself in the radiant tones of Coco de Mer’s massage oil. Allow heady notes of sandalwood to lift the spirits while delicate rose scents reinvigorate the senses. Perfect for kindling intimacy, the sensual lavish body oil applies smoothly to the skin, leaving your body feeling blissfully buttery soft and uber-hydrated.
Buy now £35.00, John Lewis
Sportsheets Sex Swing Door Jam Kit
No space at home for a bonafide sex swing? A sturdy door will work just as well when paired with Lovehoney’s swing, which slips over the top. Designed for upright intimacy (giving your poor bed a break), it offers good support as well as hand grip and stirrup loops to help you keep your balance in semi-suspended positions. All the straps are adjustable, which is handy for finding the right height for you and your partner.
Buy now £69.99, Lovehoney
Coco De Mer Pure Delight Orgasm Balm
A 20g pot designed to take your climaxes to greater heights proves that good things do indeed come in small packages. Not only is it infused with peppermint that tingles delightfully on the skin, but it’s vegan-friendly too.
Buy now £25.00, Selfridges
Haute Cuir Ceres Leather Body Harness
Saddle up with a black body harness. To be worn over an outfit or simply as it is, this versatile piece features a slim choker and robust waist belt connected by the vertical strap for creative styling.
Buy now £115.00, Wolf & Badger
