A transgender woman from Belfast hopes her success at the inaugural Commonwealth ESports Championships can inspire others in the future.
Emma 'Emzii' Rose claimed a fantastic gold medal in Birmingham, with the competition being included as a pilot event at this summer's Commonwealth Games.
More than 100 athletes competed against each other across games including Rocket League and Dota2.
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Emzii came out on top in eFootball, the major franchise formerly known as Pro Evolution Soccer which is the second biggest football game after Fifa.
The 31-year-old, who was born on the North Coast but now lives in Belfast, says her gold medal success hasn't sunk in yet.
She said: "Honestly, it is absolutely amazing. I'm still kind of hungover from the massive party we had after winning on Sunday.
"Though I've woken up in my own bed kind of not knowing what to do with myself after being in that atmosphere for a week straight and now back to the reality of my daily life. Thankfully I have the most amazing partner who's also my biggest fan so she really keeps me going.
"When I was first asked to play I didn’t even expect to make it to the finals. I'd never played competitive football games before, but I thought it's not very often people like me get this kind of opportunity so I will give it my all.
"Once I knew I was in the finals and got to play on that massive stage in front of an amazing crowd and be streamed across the world, I was just super excited. It was like the same feeling before stepping on stage with my band but like super amplified."
Emzii came through five matches at the tournament to secure her place in the final where she beat Wales to win gold.
"Throughout the tournament I probably played over 100 games practising with my teammate Nick Hatton, my coach Richie Hughes, the England's men's coach, and Gilbratar's male finalist. I also played with some other content creators at the event," Emzii added.
"The standard was amazing. Every player I met was a superstar and an absolutely amazing person. I'm so grateful to have been given this opportunity to meet so many wonderful people who I would never have met otherwise."
Emzii was riding on the crest of the wave during the tournament as she edged closer to the final. But the night before the Commonwealth decider she was hit with plenty of nerves and self-doubt.
She said: "The night before the final I played the boys and lost about games because everything was getting to me. I then went to my room and spoke to my partner and had a full-on breakdown, crying my eyes out wondering if I was good enough or if I deserved to be here.
"It was quite hard with the lack of support from home as Esports in Northern Ireland is still very much in its infancy. However, that being said my own personal support from my friends and family helped me overcome any nerves and on the final day I had my tunes on and I was just this ball of energy.
"Not a single nerve in my body."
Emzii described her Commonwealth Games experience as "amazing", and hopes the inaugural championships help raise the profile of Esports.
"It was just surreal. The buzz in Birmingham was insane, thousands of people everywhere. It was such a good atmosphere," she said.
"It was definitely a once in a lifetime experience. It certainly lived up to my hopes.
"Even just the fact I got to represent Northern Ireland is a proud moment for me. It's not something everyone gets to do and hopefully this is just the beginning of my journey.
"I know my team manager Michael Smyth's phone and emails have been blowing up since the Games. He's also the Esports tutor at Belfast Met so we have definitely done our bit to help raise the profile.
"It shouldn’t need done, but Northern Ireland still sees gaming as something that people do in their parents' basement but it’s a worldwide phenomenon. Making billions in revenue and millions of jobs across the world.
"It's definitely something that we need to take seriously."
Emzii also voiced her pride at representing Northern Ireland as a transgender woman.
She also believes it is important for her to champion the LGBTQ+ community, and that's exactly what she did in her victory speech in Birmingham.
"Honestly, if you saw my speech when I won it means everything to me. I'm a proud woman," Emzii beamed.
"Yes, I'm transgender but I'm still very much a woman and in a male dominated world that is Esports. If I can break down walls and use my platform to promote inclusion and diversity you better be sure I will.
"Being a transgender woman in eSports has been 99% positive for me. Unfortunately there was some hate online aimed at myself and a few of the other girls, however that’s something I'm more than happy to take.
"Mental health in the LGBTQ+ community is something that hits me hard having suffered with depression for most of my life. I want to take the online trolls and the barbed comments and use it for something positive.
"Enough people in our community think the only way out is not a good one. I'm here to show there's always another way. And you should never be ashamed of who you are."
In her day-to-day life Emzii works as a data analyst and is also part of Northern Ireland rock band Paper Tigers.
She believes music is another way for her to campaign for equality and LGBTQ+ rights.
"My band is fronted by an absolutely fierce woman who is a bio drag queen, MUA, member of the LGBTQ+ community and her partner is a drag king," Emzii added.
"Michael Smyth (another Michael Smyth, not my team manager) has always been my biggest supporter, too. He's the real driving force behind the band and reaches out to everyone to do our part.
"Our drummer James is also an absolute champion and one of the nicest dudes you could ever meet."
Emzii added: "I'm very open about my whole journey and it's something I'm not afraid to talk about. Throughout Covid I was engaged in an eight-year relationship and was due to be married.
"Through this time my mental health and depression had been getting worse and worse. To the point I wondered if I should even be here and the only thing that kept me going was the love and support of my friends and family.
"But I had some real dark days. One day I had my final suit fitting for the wedding and I went on my own and had a full-on breakdown in the changing rooms.
"I hated suits and I was just looking at myself in this mirror absolutely hating everything I saw in front of me. That night I got home and went to our spare bedroom. I had had enough and decided to write myself a letter to try and make sense as to why I just felt like I didn't fit in.
"I was a homeowner, had a fiance, had a great group of friends and played in a killer band. Why did I feel so low all the time and why did I feel like I didn’t deserve to be here?
https://twitter.com/GE_Federation/status/1556257057979899905?s=20&t=sZAQHyKUvQfwVBIXHW0qrw
"So I wrote the letter and it was like a eureka moment. My brain started clapping saying 'well done, you’ve caught up'. I was able to link all my major depression bouts or incidents to gender dysphoria and trying to live up to that traditional male role.
"So I sat there at like 5am in the morning crying with this letter I'd typed out to myself. Shaking not knowing what on earth I'm supposed to do with this info.
"I was supposed to be married in a month or so. But I knew if I didn’t do something about it I wouldn’t be here for much longer and my depression would only get worse. So I showed the letter to a very close friend who comforted me and was just in sheer joy for me."
Emzii says calling off the wedding and splitting with her partner was an emotional and turbulent time in her life.
"Thankfully my mum was always a phone call away and Michael from the band would drive over to me and make sure I was eating and take me food shopping and stuff. Not long after that I spoke to my GP and got referred to the GIC (Gender Identity Clinic), however the waiting list is huge and I still haven’t even spoken to anyone," she said.
"Thankfully I'm in a position where I can afford private healthcare so I contacted GenderGP and went through the process of getting private HRT and then changing my name and rebuilding my life. It's now been over a year-and-a-half of private HRT and I'm absolutely thriving as a proud woman.
"Living in a cute apartment with the most amazing partner who really accepts me for me! And is super supportive."
The 31-year-old admits being a transgender woman living in Northern Ireland is challenging, with many people still unwilling to accept her for what she is.
She also hit out on social media at the "number of anti trans tweets" during the Championships, adding that it showed "how f****** far we have to go."
Emzii said: "We are not the most diverse or inclusive wee country, and that's an understatement.
"Don’t get me wrong, I do love Northern Ireland, but I hate going up home to visit family because of the looks and stuff you get from a small town. It just gets a bit tedious.
"Also the GIC on NHS is really struggling over here. I called in last year to see how long I was on the queue, and the girl told me I still had over four years to go.
"That’s when I knew I'd have to do it all myself. I'd already wasted 30 years trying to be someone I wasn’t and I wasn’t waiting any longer. That being said, sadly without the GIC I'm never going to be able to afford gender corrective surgeries which is a constant reminder that I've still such a long way to go and that Northern Ireland in general still has such a long way to go along with most of the world.
"But there is a fantastic LGBTQ scene in Northern Ireland, one that is growing and developing every day. We have our first and only LGBTQ+ football team in Blaze FC which I was a member of and loved training and playing with them.
"However, life got in the way of me being a regular member, but I'm still in the WhatsApp group and the guys there are all super supportive."
Emzii now hopes her Commonwealth Games success and rising profile can help her spread the important message of equality and acceptance.
She said: "That’s the hope. I was given a platform and a microphone, normally in that kind of situation I'd just make a joke like I would in the band on stage!
"But I knew that there were more important messages that needed to be said. I want to become a champion for the LGBTQ+ community. I'm living proof to show that you can become who you are supposed to be no matter what the situation.
"I'm always going to be here to help people and talk to people. No one should suffer in silence."
Emzii also praised her Northern Ireland Esports Commonwealth team who did the country proud this summer.
She said: "I want to give a huge shoutout to my team at the Commonwealth - Nick Hatton, Richie Hughes, Michael Smyth and Jamie Scullion. Without the patience of Nick and Richie training me I would never have gotten this far.
"My medal is our medal! And I'm so grateful for your friendships. Michael and Jamie, thank you for believing in me and giving me this opportunity to go out there and help raise awareness.
"My door is always open, my DMs are always open and I want anyone out to know that help is available. Take care of your mental health, be your true self and live!
"Don’t be afraid to make changes."
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