To say that women’s friendships tend to revolve around emotional conversations with another individual, while men prefer group scenarios and can only share their worries after a few pints is a sweeping generalisation. Yet a study by the University of Oxford concluded pretty much that: male friendships are more likely to flourish around a shared activity (hello Mamils), while women prefer intimate, one-to-one interactions.
Science hasn’t fully explained how much of our friendship styles are dictated by nature and nurture, but there are hints. Research by Dr Anna Machin, a renowned anthropologist and author of Why We Love, has found that women get more emotional connection from their female friends than from any male romantic partner.
Brain scans on men have shown their fear responses begin firing when asked to talk to another guy about something personal. This stuff could be hardwired. But experts say some aspects of the way men and women behave in friendships are open to change. So what can men learn from how women do friendship, and vice versa?
Women: keep it straightforward
When it comes to our friendships, experts think there’s a case for putting less emphasis on deep and meaningfuls than women often do. “Sometimes there’s a bit of underlying pressure to disclose,” says Liz, 30. “I don’t always want to talk about my awful dates – but there’s an expectation there.”
It means women’s friendships are more often built on vulnerability and the sharing of secrets. Prof Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary psychologist and friendship expert, says this can mean women’s friendships are more “fragile, prone to disruption and easily destabilised”.
So is there a happy medium? Max Dickins, author of male friendship guide Billy No Mates, thinks that although men’s friendships are seen as more “basic” in a world where emotional disclosure is a valuable currency, the relationships have their place. “Sometimes not discussing serious stuff is a form of empathy,” Dickins says. “It’s a way of going, ‘I know you don’t want to talk about it, because you want a break, so we’re all going to honour that’.”
Machin adds: “It’s about intimate relationships, but also some less heavy ones as well.”
Men: be more vulnerable
Of course, it’s all well and good treating your friendship group like a holiday from your problems, until someone needs to talk about something personal and doesn’t feel able to.
“I feel frustration at my husband’s interactions with his friends,” says Lucinda, 48. “They’ll spend entire weekends hiking and drinking together, and when he comes home I’ll ask, ‘How’s Matt coping since his mum died?’ or, ‘How’s Alex’s career stuff going?’ He just says ‘dunno’. It drives me bonkers.”
Ah, the “men don’t talk about feelings” thing. According to Dickins, men’s friendships have a tendency to become a “tribute act” – with members of a group re-enacting the same superficial roles they always have. It can mean personal stuff falling through the cracks, and men can miss out: as academics have found that the “tend and befriend” model of female friendship can have a protective effect against daily stress. That’s something Helen, 37, saw when her long-term relationship ended. “All my female friends were proactive in coming over to chat and save me from my misery,” she says. “My ex’s friends just got him drunk on a night out.”
Psychotherapist Charlotte Fox Weber thinks this is slowly changing among the younger men she sees as clients, but says they still have a lot to learn: “Being trusted and disclosing something personal is such a huge part of friendship, but men often wait for a crisis to have those conversations.”
Rich, 37, has found a way to have more vulnerable conversations with his male friends: “When my wife and I were going through fertility treatment, I did mention it on my cycling WhatsApp group and the chat expanded a bit – to both IVF and bike routes.”
The key, says Dickins, is having someone who’s prepared to take the initiative. “When one bloke makes that first move and says something vulnerable, the others generally follow suit.”
Women: avoid the toxic hierarchy
“I’ve just been to stay with my best friend, and there was this conversation where she and her local friends were discussing where they were in the friendship hierarchy,” says Machin. “It was banter-y, but there was a slight edge of competition, like ‘I’m more important, because I did this.’ I don’t think men would talk like that.” The men I mention this to look at me as though I’ve lost the plot. Or as Tom, 24, puts it: “That would never happen. If someone had spare tickets to the cricket and asked another mate first, I wouldn’t dwell on it for long.”
By contrast, women are spoon-fed the idea of having a “best friend forever” from childhood. And it lingers: when researching my book on female friendship, I was amazed at the number of adult women who still felt they’d failed by not having a BFF. “I think men often find the idea that you’d have one best friend quite peculiar,” says Dickins. “For us, ‘best friend’ is often a team of people who oscillate and can interchange.”
That’s a lesson women could take on board, says Machin. “We need to stop worrying about hierarchy. The only questions to ask are: are you enjoying this friendship? Is it reasonably reciprocal? Does it largely bring you joy? If so, fine.”
Men: be the instigator
American comedian John Mulaney might have put it best when he said: “Men don’t have friends; they have wives whose friends have husbands.” Oof. Evidence shows that while women make an effort to maintain friendships throughout their lives and to make new ones, men can let theirs slide into the abyss. According to a YouGov survey for the mental health charity Movember, one in three men say they don’t have any close friends, with their chance of friendlessness almost trebling between their early 20s and late middle age.
A major reason for male friendships dropping off a cliff comes back to that preference for shared activities, which family commitments and health issues make harder to schedule. What needs to change, says Dickins, is not only how men socialise, but the context in which they do so – and here’s where they can learn from women. “I think you need to become more flexible in how you do friendship and meet one on one more, even for a coffee, rather than wait for the next big get-together,” he says.
He also advises men to become an instigator, taking on responsibility for arranging meetups and checking-in – not easy after years of not bothering, but ultimately the way to make sure you don’t drift: “You do have to be proactive – just because your mates will never bring up the fact you’re crap, it doesn’t mean you should be crap.”
Women: break up better
Research suggests that women’s friendships end more frequently and abruptly than men’s, which are more likely to simply drift. And it can be heartbreaking – “worse than my divorce”, one woman told me. Why? Because our friendships revolve around personal disclosure, they’re more vulnerable to feelings of betrayal or being let down. “So we react in a much harsher way and think, ‘That’s it, we’re not going to be friends any more’,” says Machin.
For Dunbar, a key to keeping things going could be to copy men, who tend not to ask “why” their friend did something, but just accept that their friend messed up, address the problem, then “draw a line and write it off”.
This isn’t always helpful to men, though. “It means we can stagger through life with friendships that aren’t good for us,” says Dickins. That’s not always possible, of course: sometimes one person does feel that a friendship needs to end – at which point it’s time to have those tough conversations, rather than imagining that you’re being somehow kind or compassionate by trying to drift away, hoping your friend will get the hint.
“With a romantic partner, you would say, ‘OK, we’re going to break up’,” says Machin. “Women also need to do that in their friendships, because the level of emotional intimacy there is the same, and sometimes even more intense.”
Men: get physical
A 20-second hug – something many female friends do without thinking – can boost your serotonin levels, making you feel happier and less stressed. And while some men do feel comfortable putting an arm around one another, many still don’t know how to take the awkwardness out of sober attempts at platonic affection. It is, says Machin, one of the aspects of male friendship that has undoubtedly been influenced by cultural stereotypes – and the sooner men can get over it, the better. “You might see men hugging, but they’re slapping each other on the back and there’s a stiffness to it all,” says Dickins. “That implicitly sends out the message about keeping your armour on, when it might be nicer to be more open.”
“There’s this weird dance between whether you’re going to shake hands or hug even your close male mates,” says Adam, 49. “I don’t exactly feel as though I’m missing out by not having affection with my friends, but it’s nice when it happens. Ultimately, I’d just like the awkwardness to go.”
BFF? The Truth About Female Friendship by Claire Cohen is published by Transworld (£10.99). To support the Guardian and Observer order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply
