“I remember thinking, if I ever see her again one day I want her to be proud of me.”
Conner Washington’s drive for playing basketball is clear - it’s all for his mum whose life was cut tragically short.
The British Basketball League (BBL) veteran is one of the most decorated players around and he could potentially win his 15th piece of silverware in this Sunday’s BBL Cup final as his Leicester Riders take on the London Lions.
But, without his mum, the 30-year-old might not be playing basketball at all.
Julia Mary Washington died on Mother’s Day in 2003 from a heart attack at the age of just 33. It was a sudden, unexpected death and unsurprisingly sent shockwaves through the family.
Washington was only 10 years old at the time and was suddenly left grasping with emotions no child should be having to face. He might not have known it at the time, but basketball became his saving grace when he was faced with endless choices growing up in Bedford.
A life of crime and drugs was a potential ugly route to go down, Washington freely admits that, but in the end it was basketball and his mum’s memory that helped shape his path.
“There’s so many different avenues you could go down, especially at that young age, and I just thought, and I hoped, if I was to see her again one day she’d be proud of me,” he told Mirror Sport.
“The basketball journey saved my life in a way. If I didn’t choose basketball there was another path there that would have led me down the wrong road so I put my energy and my grief into a sport to kind of be reborn again and come out as a different person. Obviously that experience was unpredictable, nobody was aware that was going to happen - it was so sudden.”
“I felt like my purpose was bigger than myself"
That childhood trauma is a wound that never goes away for Washington. After all, how can it? But being thrust into a situation so devastating has left its mark on a player who has earned plaudits throughout his basketball career, most notably in his multiple seasons with the Leicester Riders.
Much of the man who's speaking now can be traced back to that 10-year-old who felt the need to be strong after the passing of his mum. And, from the way he still speaks about her, she is a woman who should never be forgotten.
“Everybody who knew her said she was just so free and a happy soul,” he said. “It was just sudden. 2003 on Mother’s Day.
"Out of all the days, I just felt like it made it - obviously you don’t want that to ever happen to you - but on a day that is special for all mothers around the world, I don’t even know what the word is to describe that.
“I just felt like my purpose was bigger than myself. When she passed it was like a switch to where I had to be strong for my younger sister, I had an older brother too. I just chose to do something she’d be proud of me for.”
He added: “I feel like my purpose is bigger in the world. It made me feel like I owe it to my children to be the best dad that I can be so I can bring them up with all the love in the world that they need.”
In Washington’s own words, the thought of his mum gives him a “higher purpose” and, while he wears the number 13 for the Riders, his favourite number is 11 - her birthday was October 11. In a beautiful touch to her, next season the point guard plans to wear the number 11 in what will be his 11th season with the team.
It’s just another example of how much he has her in his memory as he continues to live with the trauma. But, now that he is a dad himself, he knows just how proud she would be of everything he has achieved in basketball. After all, 14 pieces of silverware is something few other BBL players can claim to have.
“Yeah I definitely do [feel like I’ve made her proud],” he said. “To be able to stick to something and just be able to do something that I love. The amount of people who say to me that they just enjoy watching me play or their children enjoy watching me play - if she could see me now and the impact I have on other people, that would definitely make her proud.”
"It's made me who I am"
Those experiences influence Washington with regards to his future plans too. When the day comes for him to walk away from playing, it isn’t coaching he has in mind.
Instead he wants to use his voice to be the support he didn’t feel he had at that time, so that any other child who may find themselves in similarly traumatic circumstances can make the best choices and find positivity in their lives.
“I see myself more as going back to reach out to the kid that I was at 10 years old,” he said. "Children who are struggling or who need an outlet.
“I could be someone to look to so they could think ‘he went through this but that didn’t define him, or that didn’t steer him down the wrong path.
“‘He chose to change his life around and become a basketball player so if he can do it why can’t I do it?’
“It’s just giving back in that sense and letting people know that tough times will happen - it’s part of life. But it’s how you choose to move forward with it.”
Washington also acknowledges that lack of support through seeing how his own dad coped through the tragedy, but also how he faced up to raising three children.
“My dad probably had the toughest time, trying to raise three children after that had just happened,” he said. “As an adult now I know he definitely will have had to push his own feelings to the side to make sure we were taken care of. Think about the toll that would have taken on him.”
That’s also one of the reasons Washington is so keen to reinforce the impact suppressing your emotions can have. In an age where, finally, the stigma surrounding men’s mental health is starting to shift - it still has a long way to go - acknowledging inner pain is one of the biggest things you can do.
“When I think about that I think about my dad and how he would have had to have a lot of resolve and be a stoic man for all of us because we were all going through it,” Washington continued.
“But he had to be the rock for all of us. Now that I’ve grown a bit, as much as society tells us men should be strong - it’s not real. Man or woman everyone goes through pain and everyone goes through life experiences.
“What is acceptable doesn’t necessarily reflect reality, even though it’s not considered necessarily strong to be sensitive or express your emotions as a man. But suppressing them is also not healthy. I was able to express them but I could do it in a different way because of basketball.
"I have no problems talking about it and, at the beginning, it was tough to talk because it made it more real - but now any chance I get I want to speak about it. Her memory is alive and I celebrate her life more so than wish it never happened and wish I could take it back. It’s made me who I am.”
"It's just a game"
In amongst a conversation as deep and emotional as that, it can be easy to forget there’s an important final on the horizon for Leicester Riders against a team they are yet to beat this season.
The Riders are the holders of the cup, and while current championship leaders London will want to seal the title for themselves, Leicester are unlikely to give it up that easily.
But Washington also has a tremendous sense of realism here - having had so many years in the BBL experience certainly plays a part. That mentality also indicates just what a rounded person he is with so much of life in perspective - sport is only a game after all.
“No matter what the result is on Sunday, I’m not going to be upset,” he said. “Obviously I want to win the game - badly - and I’m going to do everything in my power to do that. But regardless of the result I’m going to be happy.
“At the end of the day it’s just a game and I know my mum’s watching over me. Her spirit is with me all the time, my children will be watching and my family will be watching. It’s a completely different dynamic for me.”
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You can tune into the WBBL/BBL Cup Final live on Sky Sports on Sunday, January 29th, from the Utilita Arena, Birmingham, from 11:30am GMT
