Podcaster Deborah James has raised more than £2million for cancer care in the UK, less than two days after announced that she is receiving end-of-life care at home. Since being diagnosed with bowel cancer in 2016, she has given candid accounts of her treatment on the BBC's You, Me and the Big C podcast.
In her final episode she says that even after five years, knowing she is now nearing the end is "still shocking".
She also invited BBC reporter Graham Satchell, who has followed her story for the last five years, into her home for an interview that was shown in full on BBC Breakfast on Wednesday (May 11).
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She said: "I have always said I don't want to leave a stone unturned, I don't think there is a stone we haven't tried to overturn in order to make my liver work again," she said. "In order to get my body functioning. But unfortunately, I am exhausted, I am absolutely exhausted and we have got to the point now where I know we can't do anything more."
She is having end-of-life care at her parents' house surrounded by her family because it is "where I want to die", and on Monday shared the devastating news on social media that she was no longer receiving treatment.
In her last podcast she explained that being at her parents also meant their family home in London could remain home for her children, Hugo, 14 and Eloise, 12. without the "medical equipment scars" in their memories.
The 40-year-old wrote: "The message I never wanted to write. We have tried everything, but my body simply isn't playing ball." You can read the full message here.
She has shared that her liver had stopped working over the past six months and doctors had advised that more treatment was "fruitless" because her "body does not want to play ball".
"I can't even walk anymore, that's what's really scary about it, I've gone from someone who used to run 5km [3miles] a day to someone who needs her husband to pick her up to walk a step," she shares.
Sharing links to charities including Cancer Research UK, Bowel Cancer UK and the Royal Marsden Cancer Charity, she asked supporters to make donations and “buy me a drink to see me out this world”.
She told BBC Breakfast that she has been "mindblown" by the response and shared a video of her daughter and family cheering when fundraising hit the £1million mark.
Deborah said: "I have a really loving family who I adore. They are just incredible, and all I knew I wanted was to come here and be able to relax knowing that everything was OK. I have had some really hard conversations over the last week. I think how can anybody have those conversations, and then you find yourself in the middle of them. People are very nice, but you are talking about your own death and I have had five years to prepare for my death.
"I don't feel begrudged, I don't feel angry that we didn't try anything, that we ran out of drugs, but I am still not quite there yet.
"It is really hard. The thing that I know is I trust my husband, he is the most wonderful man, and so is my family. I know that my kids are going to be more than looked after and will be surrounded by love. You always want to know as a mother 'are your kids going to be OK?', and my kids are going to be fine, but it doesn't mean I am not going to miss every chance that I could have had with them."
Talking about the fundraising, she said: "I always knew there was one thing I wanted to do before I died. I really don't want any other Deborahs to go through this. We know that when we catch cancer early we can cure it. We know that much more investment needs to take place in cancer. We know that we have the skills and the passion in the UK to do that, but I feel that we still need that reminder, that boost and that money. Before I die, the one thing I knew I wanted to do was set up a fund that can continue working on some of the things that gave me life.
"I cannot thank everyone enough for their generosity," she said. "It just means so much to me. It makes me feel utterly loved, and it makes me feel that we are all in it at the end together. We all want to make a difference, and say 'screw cancer' and we need to show it who is boss"
She also said that she couldn't think of a "better way to go" surrounded by her family and friends.
I have been having sleepovers with my brother and my sister, all in our 40s, I am never left alone which is great. It is like being kids again. I can't think of a better way to go."
Deborah started the You, Me and the Big C podcast with Cardiff-born presenter Rachel Bland and Lauren Mahon in 2016. The Welsh BBC broadcaster died in 2018 aged 40 after suffering from breast cancer, which she documented on the show. You can read about Rachel's poignant final recording here.
Asked what hosting the podcast meant to her, Deborah said it had given purpose back to her life after being diagnosed, adding the show had made her realise the influence she could have "saving another life or making someone not feel alone".
"Yes I would give my cancer up in a second just to have a normal life again. But to be able to do it and feel like you've had an impact is kind of one of the best feelings you can have," she said in the final broadcast.
Her final message: "Please, please just enjoy life because it's so precious. All I want right now is more time and more life."
And she ended the show with a customary caution for people to "check your poo" for signs of bowel or other cancers, adding: "Come on, I can't leave on on any other word."
