Name: Baked bean pizzas.
Age: Recently reanimated.
Appearance: Circular misery.
There is nothing wrong with a baked bean pizza. That would seem to be the case. Heinz has revived its long-dormant Beanz pizza, at the low cost of just £3, from the end of November.
Why did they need to revive it? I don’t know, maybe because putting baked beans on a pizza is a genuine affront to God.
Oh come on, the product makes sense. I know what you’re going to say: that lots of people grate cheese on top of their beans on toast, and what is a baked bean pizza if not a classier version of that?
That’s exactly what I was going to say. You are an idiot. Get out.
This seems harsh. It isn’t. Have you ever eaten a baked bean pizza? Have you ever experienced the misery of cooking frozen baked beans, and their accompanying claggy, sugary sauce, on top of a gummy, featureless base? Have you? Because it’s awful. Baked beans do not belong on pizza.
Nor does pineapple. Right, I’m sick of this argument. Let’s definitively clear one thing up, shall we? Go to any major pizza restaurant in the world and you’ll find pineapple on pizza. This is because customers eat pineapple on pizza in droves. Thousands and thousands are sold and consumed every single day. The market has dictated that pineapple objectively belongs on pizza. You know what doesn’t belong on pizza?
Please calm down. Baked beans do not belong on pizza! That’s probably why Heinz stopped selling baked bean pizzas 19 years ago, because nobody on Earth wanted to eat them.
So why did they bring it back? Because the world is on fire. Will that do?
Well, I like it. So buy a tin of baked beans and a pizza and make it at home. It can be one of those little secrets that people have behind closed doors, like BDSM or voting Conservative. Just don’t force it on me when I’m out shopping.
Do you get this angry about other unconventional food crossovers? What? There are others?
Sure. You can now buy Marmite-flavoured peanut butter, and Marmite-flavoured crisps. What is wrong with the world?
You can get Philadelphia that tastes like smoked salmon now. You can? Scrap everything I just said. Someone invent a cheesy fish pizza, stat.
Do say: “Baked bean pizzas have returned from the dead.”
Don’t say: “If you buy one, you are dead to me.”
