I’ve never bought mince pies for just myself. Like jokes and expensive wines, they’re made for sharing with other people. And because those people are your family, picking which mince pie to get can be complicated.
It’s not just about different tastes and dietaries: think of the pastries on a platter, mostly untouched, during present time, its sole purpose to carry on the Christmas tradition of just being there. Think of the aunt or in-law whose investment in Christmas is so great, any encounter with a perceivably nontraditional item is not just a cultural crime, it’s a personal attack. Or think about your own need to impress – anything obviously cheap could bring shame upon your house. And then there are the people you love most: like the gifts you’ve given them over the years, you’ll want these mince pies to be the best possible version you can find.
So, while most taste tests are about finding the tastiest version of whatever I’m eating that week, this one is different. The best mince pies need to be more than just tasty – they need to look and feel the part.
Joining me for this taste test was my family, however, and I think this is both funny and apt: almost all of them were unable to make it on the day. So the panel was my dad, stepmum, partner, my partner’s sister and the photographer (many a great Christmas has a surprise guest). We blind-tasted 11 mince pies (some were cut from the article due to brevity or lack of availability nationally) and scored them based on appearance, taste and texture.
Sadly, we did not find a showstopper that would match the aesthetic standards of the most festive family member while also convincing the resident mince pie hater to change their tune. I think that mince pie would have to come from a bakery near you at a much higher price. But we did find that most brands, however cheap, are perfectly adequate for the game of not upsetting anyone – particularly if they’ve just come out of the oven.
The best overall
Coles Finest Jamaican Rum Brown Butter Fruit Mince Pies, 350g, $8.50 ($2.43 per 100g), available at Coles
Score: 8/10
I don’t want my mince pie to be a light experience for the same reason I never diet on Christmas Day – I’m signed up for indulgence of the highest order. This is the only mince pie to honour that contract. They have a big boozy aroma; a soft, crumbly, rich and buttery pastry; and a centre that’s apple-heavy with a decent spice hit. It may have less fruit mince va-va-voom, but that doesn’t matter too much – the pastry to fruit-mince ratio is far more pastry-heavy than the other pies. Now, a quick note on the snowflake design: cute and popular with the reviewers, but I wish Australia could have its own Christmas symbolism rather than relying on wintery iconography from the northern hemisphere.
Bowan Island Grandma Bowan’s Fruit Mince Tarts, 480g, $14.99 ($3.12 per 100g), available at select grocers
Score: 8/10
If you only care about flavour, Coles Finest is the mince pie for you, but if you want to impress with a glitzy spread that deceptively hints you spent a lot of money, then Bowen Island is your answer. One of the reviewers wrote: “Beautiful star and the sugar on top adds sparkle and joy … the mince pie for your tablescape Instagram shot.” Like Coles Finest, they have a soft, crumbly texture and a drier, frugal centre. But, unlike almost all the others, they’re not particularly sweet, which, depending on the average age and tastes of the family, could make for a classy or incredibly boring Christmas treat.
The best value
Kringle and Co Fruit Mince Pies, 360g, $4.29 ($1.19 per 100g), available at Aldi
Score: 7/10
Kringle’s mince pies have given me many surprises. The first was how the mince pies smelled like jam but tasted like orange peels, sultanas and booze (my stepmum – the greatest home cook I know – and I guessed brandy) blended into a goop. The second surprise was the colossal ingredients list (a common theme of the day), which listed no booze at all. But easily the biggest surprise is how Kringle is selling mince pies for less than a $1 a pie and they’re perfectly fine. As one of the reviewers wrote: “Would not ruin Christmas”, which is pretty much the aim here.
The rest
Walker’s Cranberry and Clementine Fruit Mince Pies, 240g, $6.50 ($2.71 per 100g), available at major supermarkets
Score: 7/10
We tried three Walker’s products: this, Walker’s mini tarts and the Glenfiddich-infused ones (see below). The minis scored lowest on taste and texture, somehow beating a gluten-free product described as the Lipton tea of mince pies; the whisky-infused variety were the most expensive product of the day but still managed a respectable 6.5/10; and then there’s these, which were widely praised, mostly for being the only mince pie to have the courage to include any acidity. If the pastry had more structural integrity and less of a flabby nature, they would have been right up the top. But due to the fact these pies are bringing the bare minimum Christmas spirit to the table (Where is the spice? Where is the festive design?) I will be avoiding all three.
Woolworths Australian Baked Fruit Mince Pies, 360g, $5.50 ($1.53 per 100g), available at Woolworths
Score: 6.5/10
We tried both Coles and Woolworths regular home brand mince pies. Every reviewer bar one scored Woolworths higher. While the Coles brand was described as a chemically, oversweet, boozy American Christmas experience, the Woolworths versions were praised for their appearance and the dark, slightly bitter filling. The pastry? That’s a different story. Like getting a beautiful gift that’s wrapped in paper covered with pictures of your ex canoodling people hotter than you. Do you still want what’s inside?
Walker’s Glenfiddich Single Malt Scotch Whisky 12 Years Old Luxury Fruit Mince Pies, 372g, $15.99 ($4.57 per 100g), available at select grocers
Score: 6/10
While, yes, this does have a whisky-like flavour and aroma, saying it’s infused with 12-year single malt scotch whisky is like claiming you were a star of the Lord of the Rings trilogy despite only appearing in a single scene as an orc because you were the set designer’s son. Only in this case, the cameo isn’t contributing to a generational epic. While the filling is decent, the pie smells like an old linen cupboard, is extremely sweet (at 40% sugar, the highest of the day) and the pastry is flowery. A mince pie that’s overly sweet, whisky-flavoured and sold for twice the price of its supermarket aisle competition? My question is, who is this for?
Coles I’m Free From … Gluten Free Fruit Mince Pies, 220g, $6.50 ($2.95 per 100g), available at Coles
Score: 5.5/10
I have one good thing to say about these mince pies: no one guessed they were gluten-free. I have many bad things to say about the industry of dietary foods – chiefly, why do they all have to be jammed together in one? Plenty of gluten-free eaters want butter in their pastry, the same way many vegans want to eat mince pies made from wheat. What you end up with is an oddly heavy, crumbly pie that sort of melds together with the filling when you bite into it, giving you one congealed, extra-sweet experience. We may not have guessed they were gluten-free, but plenty of us knew something wasn’t right. “The mince pie for an office Christmas party under fluorescent lights.”
