As day broke at 6.30am I sat in my back garden to the sound of birds cooing, looked up to the sky and said: “At least you’re with your Philip. You’re both at peace now.”
It was 12 hours since the official announcement that our Queen was gone and the only way I could console myself was imagining her back by her Duke’s side. I was watching Bargain Hunt when news broke that doctors were concerned for the Queen’s health.
Commentators said Buckingham Palace didn’t usually put out statements like that so believed it was gravely serious. Anyone who has lived long enough to have lost people already understood the meaning. When the Queen wasn’t taken to hospital and the Royal Family were called to Balmoral, we knew.
Hearing Huw Edwards read the official announcement at 6.30pm was still a shock.
I felt the Queen was invincible because she’s always been there. Nicholas Witchell was choked up – he was doing his best to be professional but I could hear it in his voice.
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I called Beryl, my neighbour across the street. She was watching the cycling race on another channel but soon switched over and we spoke quietly and sadly for a while, both feeling we grew up with the Queen as we’ve never known any other monarch.
Cameras outside Buckingham Palace captured a little girl pinning a Paddington Bear card to the railings and I sobbed.
Seeing the Queen and Paddington, who is always gentle and kind, was my favourite moment on TV ever, not just of the Jubilee.
By 9pm I’d cried so much I had a headache. But I still couldn’t turn away from the television. Even though it was repetitive, I was drawn to it. The Queen kept our country going.
When she was in the ATS in 1945 she gave people hope.
When she appeared at events or on television recently, she made us feel everything was going to be OK. Even though our country has been in a mess lately, she was a vision of calm.
The Queen inspired so many women like me. When times were really tough, she reminded us to put on our lipstick to go out and face the world. And when her stiff upper lip broke in to a huge smile she showed us all her great sense of humour.
I loved seeing her laugh her head off at the children’s sack race at the Braemar Highland Games, which was always timed so it took place while she was there because it was her favourite.
And I adore the clip of her at the races, when she heard that one of her horses was winning and flew to the front to watch.
One of the most heartbreaking scenes I’ve ever seen was watching the Queen at Prince Philip ’s funeral in her black coat and hat sitting alone. She was the epitome of poise and grace.
I feel sure, when she was alone in bed, she broke into tears and cuddled her pillow wishing it was him.
The Queen was never the same after she lost her husband. People like me, who have lived long and lost, know.
Of course she lived a very different life from us all but she could relate to everyone. She could make Zoom calls to Harry in America and learned to fist bump young people.
We are on the brink of big change. Even the heads on stamps, which we’ve seen all our lives, will switch to King Charles III.
But it feels too hard to think ahead.
For now, my heart feels sore and I need time for comfort. So, I’ll sit down with endless cups of tea, posh lemon shortcake biscuits, and watch telly to hear all I can about our Queen’s incredible life.
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