Four years ago when Harry and Meghan got married, it felt as if you could be arrested for not being joyful enough.
Reporters on every TV channel jumped up and down outside Windsor Castle, spluttering: “This is the greatest moment of all time! I saw a blackbird just now and he was smiling and tweeting the National Anthem.”
The homeless in the area were evicted, because you can’t have people lying around in sleeping bags on the week of a royal wedding.
Then they were immediately replaced by these people who lay in sleeping bags queuing up for four days to see a royal wedding.
But from two days after the wedding, the same people were screaming: “Who does she think she is?
“She comes over here, marrying our Prince, then wants to be able to walk into a room without permission?
"She should spend the rest of her life curtseying and be grateful.”
So they yelled: “You can sod off, Markle, just sod off. That’s right, sod off, sod right off.”
So she left and they all yelled: “Oi! Where do you think you’re going?”
Since then, the couple that was so adored by the British Establishment was removed from the Royal Family.
They became so hated that famous columnists would write articles such as: “Meghan Markle should be dressed as a giant jar of marmalade and fed to giant wasps”.
And military chiefs would write pieces such as: “As we have withdrawn our troops from Afghanistan, we have the forces to target Mrs Markle with a series of tactical air strikes”.
So Harry and Meghan retaliated, with interviews and a Netflix series.
Now there are the revelations from this book. The first one was about William causing a fight, in which Harry fell and cracked a dog bowl.
This would break anyone’s heart, as we can imagine Charles screaming: “Pack it in! Don’t you know how much those dog bowls cost?
"Now two of the corgis will have to share until I can get down to Pets at Home.”
Up until this point Harry and Meghan’s story made sense.
But now he says he killed 25 people in Afghanistan, and a woman with ‘special powers’ relayed messages from his dead mother.
Maybe his book was co-written by the writers of Game of Thrones.
Next week we’ll read: “Harry has revealed he led a battalion of elves through a forest, where he confronted Magadon, the dreaded three-headed lion that guards the gates of Azbakan.
‘I was quite worried,’ he writes, ‘because I knew I had to defeat the army of the Termadytes, but leaving enough time to get back to Wembley as I was due to attend the FA Cup final.
"So it’s not surprising Meghan became stressed!’”
On top of this he took cocaine and magic mushrooms, so maybe soon we’ll learn he once pinned a military award on a flamingo, as he was off his face and thought it was a brigadier.
At last after all these years, they are providing value for money.
