Dear Mr. Dad: A few years ago, I saw a column of yours that offered advice to an expectant father on what to expect when he becomes a dad. I was single then, so I didn’t pay much attention to the article, but now my wife is pregnant and I’m concerned that I haven’t done enough to prepare myself. What’s in store for me?
A: I was just having a conversation with a friend about what has and hasn’t changed in the 25-plus years I’ve been working with, researching and writing about fathers. One of the biggest non-changes is that most first-time dads still (quite understandably) have no idea what they’re in for.
For some guys, reality will bite even before they leave the hospital. For others, it could be a few days or weeks. But eventually, every new dad comes to the realization that his life has changed — profoundly and permanently. Here’s a glimpse into what you might encounter on the long, wild ride you’re about to get on, with its new responsibilities, new pressures and new expectations:
— Confusion. In the early days, you’ll experience a variety of confusing and often conflicting emotions. On one hand, there's the virility, power and pride of having created a new life. On the other, the feelings of helplessness when you can't satisfy (or sometimes even understand) your baby's needs can be overwhelming.
— A new way of loving. There's no comparing the all-consuming love you'll have for your child with the love you have for any other human. Maurice Sendak captured it perfectly in a scene from "Where the Wild Things Are" (if you haven’t read it, you will soon), where the monsters plead with Max not to leave them: "Please don't go," they say. "We'll eat you up — we love you so."
— New ways of being loved. As you slowly master your baby's cues and meet their needs, your baby will learn to love you — and to express that love in the most amazing ways. And the first time your baby coos at you or hugs you or falls asleep on your chest while absentmindedly stroking your shoulder, you'll discover the true meaning of life.
— Depression. Even though most people think postpartum blues are a mom thing, plenty of guys get depressed after their babies are born. There’s the grind at work, plus the bills, the exhaustion, the extra laundry and the lack of sex. That's enough to depress anyone.
— Fear. The first few months of fatherhood are littered with fears: that you won't be able to live up to your fatherhood expectations; that you won’t be able to provide for or keep your child and family from harm; that you don't know what to do with your child; that you'll be too much (or not enough) like your own father; that you've made a horrible mistake. These fears and many others are completely normal. Some will go away as your skills increase; others will fade with time.
— A changing relationship with your partner. Right now, you and your partner spend a lot of time together, nurturing each other and making your relationship stronger. But once your baby shows up, they will become the focus of everything you do. Starting tonight, carve out some time — even if it's only a few minutes a day — to talk about something other than the baby.
— Opinions from your baby (and you’ll take them seriously). For the first few months, your baby won't give you much feedback about how you're doing as a father: no smiles, no laughing. In fact, just about all they'll do is cry. It's very easy to take your baby's lack of enthusiasm as some kind of referendum on your worth as a dad. Don't. If you back off, your baby will too.
— Conversations you never thought you’d have. If someone would have told you a year ago you'd be willingly participating in long discussions with your friends about projectile vomit, leaky breasts, episiotomies, and the color and consistency of the contents of a diaper, you'd have laughed yourself silly. But you going to do it. Worse still: You’re going to love it.
— Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. And the best sources of help I can offer are my books, "The Expectant Father: The Ultimate Guide for Dads-to-Be" and "The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year."
