Dear Anna,
I'm 20, out but not loud, and have never been in a relationship (although I'd like to). I recently met a 28-year-old woman on a social/dating app, and we've been out a couple times. We get along fairly well with minimal awkwardness, and she seems to be treating these as dates. However, I can't get past the age difference. I'm not head-over-heels for her, but if it weren’t for the age gap I’d keep meeting up and hope it turns into something. But right now it feels weird and I’m finding excuses to put off meeting again.
Am I worrying about something I shouldn’t be worrying about? Or should I tell her I'm uncomfortable with where this is going, and hope we can remain friends? — Anxious Baby Dyke
Dear ABD,
Is it just the “age thing”? Because it sounds like it’s more the “chemistry is meh” thing (to put it more eloquently). But more to the point, If it feels weird and you’re finding excuses to not meet up with her, then I would listen to those feelings far more than the fact that she’s been able to vote in a few more election cycles than you.
In terms of quantifiable data we can apply to your sex life (the best kind of data, IMO), the average age difference among straight couples is 2.2 years, according to stats from a 2020 Pew Research Center survey. Which is not that big of a gap, really, in spite of the proliferation of the “older man younger woman” trope
When it comes to queer relationships, however, we don’t have reliable numbers from the guvment. Instead we have Facebook data! (Admittedly, it’s from 2013, so take this all with a pile of salt.)
According to anonymous stats from United States Facebook users who made their relationship status public, the average age difference in queer couples (both FF and MM) tends to get wider as people get older. Facebook data showed that those in their early 20s had an age gap of two to three years, but once people hit puma age (33ish), the gap increased to seven years. And gird your loins young ones, for the 45-year-olds are especially prowl-y, in that the gap shoots up past nine years.
Isn’t that interesting? So perhaps your 28-year-old lady is starting her own slightly early age-gap trend with you. Or maybe she just thinks you’re cute. I don’t know her sciencey proclivities.
The gap for male-female couples remains far lower than that of queer folks, so that also seems to go along with the Pew survey results.
Also, though I think in your case the not-seeing-her-again decision is fairly clear, I would also like to encourage you to keep an open mind as you chart these brave new waters. Another age-differential study showed that, in the abstract, age was far more important to daters than it was in actuality. Meaning the most important factors for determining compatibility are still tried and true standards like physical attraction, meshing personalities, shared ideals and whether or not she likes Carrie Brownstein or LOVES Carrie Brownstein.
Good luck, ABD, and remember: Your 20s are also known as “the time to make most of my life mistakes,” so don’t be afraid to say yes to things (within reason).
Dear Anna,
I've been dating my girlfriend for almost five years. We just bought a house and have been seriously talking marriage either this year or next. I didn't expect this, but whenever we discuss how to do the wedding, it ends in an argument. My girlfriend wants an elopement-style wedding. She says it's because she sees weddings as a "look at us" type of event and doesn't want to be the center of attention or pay loads of money to prove our commitment. For me, I’ve always pictured my wedding day celebrating with great food, drinks and my best friends. My girlfriend was OK with all that until I mentioned who I'd invite (people from out of state and a few out of the country). She got upset that I'd want to invite so many people.
I'm 100% OK having a courthouse ceremony with an after-party in our backyard or small venue, but I can't imagine it without inviting my friends. I worry too that if I don't invite some of them, they'll be hurt. — Something Blue
Dear SB,
Wedding planning is insanely stressful and expensive. I could barely even watch "27 Dresses" because Katherine Heigl looked like she was moments away from putting kerosene in her champagne flute. Plus, the average wedding costs between $28,000 to $34,000, which, as the Wall Street Journal points out, is more than “half the median annual income in U.S. households.” For one day of your life!
That said, both you and your partner’s concerns are totally legitimate, and it’s fantastic (and imperative) that you’re talking about them now. I imagine the reason your partner wants you to limit the headcount is not because she hates your Aunt Mildred, but because of the costs associated with a “bigger” wedding. So, you’ll want to agree on an estimated headcount early (and remember that, with COVID, along with people’s general flakiness, many of those you invite likely won’t come.) I would play around with a few wedding calculators to substantiate this, and figure out where your comfort zones overlap.
After you figure out headcount, you’ll want to sit down and really prioritize what you both want out of this day. It sounds, honestly, like you mostly agree, so it shouldn’t be too grueling. But to double-check, I want you each to make a spreadsheet with three columns that lists what the absolute “must-haves” are, the “I could live without this” options, and the “would rather voluntarily watch '27 Dresses' than have this” expenses. (Do an internet search for wedding checklists or budgets, if you want a more rigorous template.) Then see where your lists overlap. Once you’ve got a solid idea that you’ve whittled down, it’s time to start a budget.
I know — gross — but planning for big-ticket items (weddings, houses, Tibetan mastiffs) is far preferable in the long run to “winging it” and being in debt for the next several years of your life. Plus, a budget will give your partner some quantifiable data (Look at us in this column, being mathematicians!) and some reassurance that you’re not committing financial suicide on your special day. Also lots of wedding websites have free budget calculators that list common expenses, cost averages and more. The Knot is one.)
Once you have a budget, you’ll be better able to see just how much effing money you’ll be expected to spend (it’ll be a lot — the wedding industry is a racket!). You’ll also see where you can cut costs (a backyard wedding might be a great, cost-effective choice), and can make sure that both of your priorities are aligned. Then, you’ll want to look at your finances together to determine how much you would have to save each month to make your compromised yet excellent dream wedding happen.
It might not hurt to have an objective third party as you negotiate these things, whether that’s a therapist, wedding coordinator, financial adviser or a close, impartial friend. But having a plan and an idea of how to stick to it should go a long way in making sure both of your needs are taken care of.
And mazel tov, you crazy kids!
