Dear Anna,
I´m a queer/bisexual woman from the Deep South (aka Bible Belt), and I am finally accepting my sexuality and letting go of those feelings of shame/fear/denial/etc. In an effort to live honestly and avoid any problems (or so I thought), I have told my last two partners from Day 1 (literally) that I’m open to dating people of multiple genders.
In the first scenario, I was dating a lesbian and I told her that I’m also attracted to and have dated men. She didn’t say much, but continued pursuing me and I noticed that she seemed interested in convincing me that I’m a truly a lesbian who was simply confused. Things went fine for a few months — I told her from the beginning that I was only interested in a casual relationship since I was an expat living in her country — but then she became jealous/hurt by my lack of long-term commitment and claimed that I had a boyfriend throughout all of this (which I didn’t) and that I am a lying cheater, which really hurt.
Now, I’ve been dating a heterosexual guy for about seven months and feel like I’ve found my first love. He has taught me new perspectives and challenged me to grow as a person; he´s giving, affectionate and loving. I also told him on Day 1 that I’ve dated women, and he said he understands and respects me. Recently, however, he told me that the more he falls in love with me, the more worried he becomes about my sexuality because he doesn’t understand and feels insecure and jealous. I’ve tried explaining my views on sexuality in several different ways to him, which he understands intellectually but not at the deep-down, gut level. He said that he believes everyone is equal and should have equal rights, but that he probably won´t be marching in any LGBTQ parades anytime soon. I want him to get it; I want him to believe in LGBTQ rights as strongly as I do and proudly announce his views to his friends instead of laughing at their jokes. I suppose the ambiguity of the situation makes things tough — he has cried a few times and said that he feels awful for being “backwards,” wants to get it, and feels horrible for any pain that his lack of understanding has caused me. He also comes from a very conservative community and has made great strides in his understanding. Besides this, things are great and I can imagine my future with him in it — so I wonder whether he can change and how essential that change is for our relationship. Is it possible that I can feel loved, but not fully affirmed and understood?
Basically, as a bisexual woman, I want to know: what can I ask for and what can I expect? (I don’t know any other people who are bisexual, so this is my first time asking.) I don’t want to limit myself to people who have the same (relatively uncommon) views on gender and sexuality that I do, nor do I want to discriminate against people who grew up in more conservative communities. However, it’s sometimes draining to be in a relationship where I feel like I need to justify my identity to my partner. And I wonder, why did they both accept my identity in the beginning and have problems later? And is it necessary for me to be understood, or just accepted? I hope to never accept full-on hostile biphobia, but how should I react when the person I’m in love with doesn’t really get me? — Being Othered Twice Hurts, Why Assume You’re Scary
Dear BOTHWAYS,
Bisexuals/pansexuals have it rough — especially if they’re in monogamous, hetero relationships. You might feel like you don’t fit in in either straight or queer communities. In the past, I encountered biphobia while dating both within and outside the LGBTQ community, and, to put it plainly, it sucks. But, the more you date, the more you (hopefully) meet like-minded people who share your values and beliefs.
I’m actually heartened by your boyfriend’s responses, and not just because he’s a cryer. He at least seems willing to recognize that he’s got some learning to do in the realm of bisexuality, and that he’s trying to understand your situation, despite the homophobic culture he grew up in. That’s definitely a promising start, and one I would definitely pay attention to when considering whether this guy is worthy of your time.
I’m sorry you feel like you have to justify your identity to your boyfriend. You shouldn’t have to choose between your relationship and your sense of self. This isn’t to say it’s a deal breaker or anything, but if your sexual identity is something that’s important to you, I wouldn’t outright dismiss it. I’m also sorry to say that when you’re part of any minority, sexual or otherwise, you have to realize that not everyone’s going to embrace you with arms wide open. Some might even want to embrace you with a shoe to the head or angry glares or poorly worded all-caps DMs. That you won’t be understood by everyone as a bisexual woman is a guarantee, so you have to pick your battles.
As to why both your partners were OK with your bi-ness at first, but not later, a few theories. One has to do with the fact that they weren’t emotionally invested in you on Day 1. Once those Big Feelings come into play, all sorts of insecurities and emotions can come bubbling to the surface, none of which have anything to do with you or your sexuality.
Another could be that we try to put our best self forward when meeting new people. On Day 1 through Day 90 or thereabouts, we hide less-than-flattering aspects of ourselves, in the hopes that they won’t be a big deal after our partners have learned about the awesome aspects. It could also have been that they wanted to impress you with their “I’m cool! I can hang!” shtick. I’m not saying any of these theories will make your life any easier in the face of small-mindedness, but you should also know that your partners’ behavior is not a reflection of you. It’s a reflection of them.
What you can ask for as a bisexual woman in a hetero relationship follows the same basic principles of any other successful relationship, but I’ll elaborate for your particular case. You can ask to be respected. This doesn’t mean the same thing as being tolerated. You can ask that your boyfriend not make assumptions about you based on stereotypes or unfounded fears. You can ask your boyfriend to not remain passively ignorant when his friends make homophobic jokes. You can stand up for your beliefs, even though they might be unpopular or strange or “indecent” to those around you. You can ask your boyfriend to attend an LGBTQ event (or several), and if he says no, you can go by yourself and meet some other queer people. (Please do this, regardless! Queer friends, as I’ve written about, are your lifeblood. Your family, your exes, your sympathizers, accountability buddies, late-night sext editors, and more.) You can ask him to read articles or books or forums on biphobia to better understand some of what you’re going through.
And you can ask him to love you for who you are, not who he fears you might become.
If he can’t do this, then, find somebody who can.
