Dear Anna,
I recently began dating a woman who is 12 years younger than myself. We have been doing everything except intercourse. We have very good sexual chemistry. Eighteen years ago I had a vasectomy. She knows that. And yet, she is concerned that she may become pregnant. Through the years I have had relationships with more age-appropriate women with no concern of conceiving. Never a thought until now. This subject has become rather frustrating for us both. She wants me to visit my urologist to make sure and she wants to have some sort of a birth control shot.
All this concern seems a bit too obsessive. What are the odds after 18 years of my vasectomy not working? Is this shot she wants to get to be sure worth the time and expense? I was in two long-term relationships prior to this one. No babies and we didn't give it a second thought. We enjoyed the freedom of not using condoms. I'd like that feeling back with this gal but she’s freaking me out.– Seems Easy, More Excuses Now
Dear SEMEN,
Calm down, you’re raising my sperm count. And nobody wants that, least of all my fiancée. Vasectomies have a batting average of 99.85% effectiveness for birth control, meaning it’s about as good as it gets, unless we count abstinence, which we won’t because we are not abysmal failures, unlike abstinence programs.
The chance of pregnancy after a vasectomy is reduced even more as time goes on, with an average of 1 to 2 women out of 1,000 becoming pregnant after the first year. On a very rare occasion, the vas deferens (the tubes that chauffeur sperm from the testicles to the urethra) can spontaneously reconnect, allowing sperm to schmooze with the semen again. This is called recanalization and will probably be the name of the next Kanye West album. But the likelihood of recanalization occurring is about as good as "The Bachelor" franchise contestants actually finding true love.
As your girl seems unconvinced, you can put her mind at ease and have a doctor administer a semen sample test. If it shows a zero sperm count, then you don’t need to use any other birth control. It’s certainly less costly than her getting the shot (Depo-Provera), which will put her back about $50 depending on if her insurance pays for it (it’s less likely to be covered than the pill) and subsequent checkups. The shot only lasts three months also, so she would have to get re-shot quarterly.
Your girlfriend can also look into getting an IUD or a birth control implant, which are like crockpot meals for birth control (set it and forget it!). IUDs last up to 6 years.
Is your girlfriend’s pregnancy fear unwarranted? I mean, do you live in Texas? Or any one of the states that are chipping away at a woman’s right to a legal abortion? In case you haven’t heard, this is all cause for concern. A lot of women are justifiably freaked out right now. A woman’s uterus is considered prime real estate and if she wants to protect her ass-ets, then don’t be a dick and support the way she wants to be dicked. Just make sure to explain that to her using a terrible real estate metaphor.
Dear Anna,
I've got a unique situation. I'm 35, and never had much dating experience or any sex. For most of my 20s, I was in bed, barely able to do much of anything. I worked until I couldn't. I just had experimental brain surgery to help me. It's like 10 or 15 years of my life is missing. I even look very young – having not lived much. To everyone on the street, I'm just some random 20-something now. I have no close friends or acquaintances to ask questions, so my question is how do I go about dating? Should I be upfront and scare everyone off or try the impossible and somehow cover for a while without lying? Would women even be interested in me? Do I admit that I don't know anything? – Behind Rest And Interested Newcomer
Dear BRAIN,
First, I’m sorry for your 15 years’ worth of debilitating health problems, and I’m extremely impressed by your fortitude and determination to restart your life.
Second, I don’t know where all this “honesty” crap comes from. (Billy Joel is likely to blame, but that’s neither here nor downtown.) That said, it’s a date, not the SAT. Imagine if a complete stranger sat down and said: “Hi, I’m Tammy. I’m an insurance adjuster who makes $30K a year. I’ve slept with 9 people and cheated on at least one boyfriend while high on mescaline. I also collect Thundercats figurines. Pass me the poutine?”
Even if all those things are true, social decorum dictates that we reveal our quirks, traumas and shortcomings slowly, lest we frighten the horses.
Take this to heart. You don’t have to tell anyone anything you’re not comfortable with, especially about a lack of experience, which isn’t a flaw. David Hasselhoff tattoo? Flaw. Gaslighting your partners? Flaw. Not dating half the girls in town? Not a flaw, especially when you have a really, really good reason for the gap in your dating resume.
This isn’t to say you should lie about or hide your life or past experiences – these have made up the bulk of who you are, your resilience, and empathy. Frankly, your story is probably fascinating and I wish you’d been a little less vague about it! Whereas other guys might bore a woman with their crypto portfolio, you get to drop “experimental brain surgery” into the convo and watch their pants fall off.
Plenty of people get to 35 without having really lived – even those who’ve had far fewer barriers or obstacles than you.This is a unique chance to start from scratch and build your love life with intention and verve and vulnerability.
Soak it up.
P.S. My biggest piece of dating advice for newbies: Play up your strengths instead of fixating on your insecurities, and remember not to spend your time worrying if you’re good enough for them. You should be asking if they’re good enough for you, too.
