Dear Anna,
My current partner and I started out as incredibly close friends before becoming romantically involved. Since the beginning of our relationship, I've known that they have a history of cutting off people who they feel hurt by or are drifting away from and sometimes lashing out in anger. After dating for a few years and overcoming various challenges, including a long-distance relationship, I've noticed that we've grown apart in terms of values, goals and coping with mental health. I've outgrown the person I was when we first got together, and my partner has remained stagnant.
As I'm about to embark on a new journey in college, I'm excited to explore more in my relationships and meet different types of people. However, I deeply care for my partner as a friend and we share many mutual friends. I'm terrified of losing not only them but also our entire friend group if I decide to break up. I need some advice on how to have this difficult conversation and maintain our friendship, keeping in mind their past reactions to relationships ending.—Lost and Worried
Dear LAW,
First of all, I want to commend you for your self-awareness and for recognizing the changes and growth you've experienced in your life. It's not an easy thing to admit when our relationships may no longer align with our personal values and goals. Making the decision to pursue something different in your life and recognizing the importance of compatibility are important steps toward growth and personal happiness, especially now as you’re about to go to college, a time of huge, life-altering changes and transitions.
Let me start with some truths that you may not be ready to hear. The first is that you can’t control someone else’s emotions or reactions. If your partner cuts you out of their life, then that’s their decision. (Or, more likely, that’s their past trauma talking.) Hardly anyone can jump from long-term romantic partnership to best friends, even if you started out that way. That’s just now how grief works. You need time and space and healing and to let your heart be a selfish asshole for a while.
This doesn’t mean they won’t eventually come around to friendship, but nothing is guaranteed. Also, depending on how they behave post-breakup, I strongly encourage you to question whether it’s worth being friends with them at all. Loyalty is an admirable trait, but think about what you really want in a friendship—Is it someone who lifts you up, supports you, wants to see you grow? Is it someone who offers compassion and empathy during hard times and doesn’t lash out in anger?—and ask yourself if this person’s behavior checks those boxes.
Also, when you break up with someone, losing some mutual friendships is normal. If they’re truly your friends, then they’ll stay that way through the breakup. If they aren’t, then they’re creating space for you to meet new, better friends. So don’t sweat this too much and don’t take it personally if a mutual “friend” chooses your ex over you. It happens! It’s OK.
It’s also common to grow out of a lot of your childhood friendships when you go to college, regardless of your relationship status. People move, people change—same as your soon-to-be-over relationship. It’s no one’s fault and doesn’t reflect negatively on you.
Having said that, it's also totally normal to feel apprehensive about approaching such a delicate and potentially difficult conversation with your partner. The prospect of hurting someone you care for deeply is never easy. However, in this case, and as counterintuitive as it seems, hurting them is loving them. Ending a relationship that isn’t working is the most loving thing for both of you.
Begin by choosing the right time and place for this conversation. Opt for somewhere private and neutral, where you both feel comfortable. When you're ready to talk, try to convey your thoughts openly and with as much tenderness as possible. Start by expressing your appreciation for the time you've spent together and for the support you've given each other throughout the years. Acknowledge the great friendship you've cultivated and stress that you want to preserve that connection eventually, if they’re open to it.
Explain how going to college and the changes you've experienced have caused you to reevaluate what you want in a romantic relationship. Make it clear that this decision is not a reflection of your partner’s worth, but rather a natural part of your growth and development as a person.
When discussing the future and the fear of losing your friendship, assure your partner that you'll always cherish the bond you share and that you're prepared to work together to maintain your connection, even if it's not in a romantic capacity, in the future when you’ve both healed from the breakup.
Lastly, be prepared for your partner's emotional reaction to be…well, not great. Remember their past behavior and validate their feelings, but stay firm in your own. If the conversation becomes too heated, agree to take some time apart and revisit the discussion when both parties are more composed. It's important to give both of you the space and time needed to process the outcome of this conversation—without letting it drag on endlessly.
Ultimately, while this might be an incredibly difficult decision, it's crucial to stay true to your personal growth and prioritize your own happiness. By being kind, honest, and empathetic, you're giving both yourself and your partner the best chance at understanding and moving forward in a healthy and productive way.
Wishing you the best of luck, LAW. And have an amazing time in college.
