That’s it for today’s clockwatch. If you just need one more hit of live football action, you can join Scott Murray for Brentford v Man Utd. Ta-ra!
Wolves 0-0 Fulham
Aleksandar Mitrovic’s late penalty was saved by Jose Sa at Molineux, with Wolves getting their first point of the season as a result.
Southampton 2-2 Leeds
Rodrigo scored twice for Leeds before a late Southampton surge at St Mary’s.
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Brighton 0-0 Newcastle
Brighton dominated at the Amex Stadium but were unable to get past Newcastle’s new No1.
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Manchester City 4-0 Bournemouth
Will Unwin was the Etihad to watch City put Bournemouth away with the minimum of fuss.
Arsenal 4-2 Leicester
Ed Aarons was at the Emirates to watch Arsenal enjoy an entertaining romp in the sunshine.
Brentford v Man Utd A reminder that Cristiano Ronaldo starts in the late game at the Gtech Community Stadium. Grab some popcorn and follow the match with Scott Murray.
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“In response to Josse McMahon, and with apologies to everyone else, may I submit this PJ Harvey 11?” writes Brian Sharon.
Meet Ze Roberto
My Beautiful Leao
C’mon Billy Sharp
Shane Long Snake Moan
Send Hislop To Me
The Hasenhüttl And The Hustlers Whore
Is This De Bruyne?
Let Beth England Shake
The Last Living Danny Rose
50ft Dele
Digne-Na-Gig.
I’ll take this over one of Mac Millings’ ‘humorous’ XIs all season long.
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Full time: Wolves 0-0 Fulham
Another decent result for newly promoted Fulham, though it might have been better: Alexsandar Mitrovic’s late penalty was saved by Jose Sa.
Full time: Southampton 2-2 Leeds
An excellent comeback from Southampton, who were in all sorts before late goals from Joe Aribo and Kyle Walker-Peters earned them a point.
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Full time: Arsenal 4-2 Leicester
Another very good day for New Arsenal. Gabriel Jesus, the darling of the Emirates, scored two and made two on his home debut.
Full time: Man City 4-0 Bournemouth
No goals from Erling Haaland, and barely any touches of the ball, but City still hammered Bournemouth.
Full time: Brighton 0-0 Newcastle
Brighton played very well but couldn’t score. Stop me if you think, etc.
Championship The QPR goalkeeper Seny Diang has scored an injury-time equaliser for QPR at Sunderland. All that next-level coaching from Michael Beale, and then the goalkeeper equalises.
“The assist for the second Southampton goal was Mara, not Aribo,” writes Thom Bilous. “Only sending that because it was an absolutely gorgeous hold up through ball and the creator definitely deserves credit, teeing up Kyle Walker-Peters for a beautiful drilled finish.”
This is why I love Clockwatch – the readers can see what the writer can’t. It’s groundbreaking journalism.
“Don’t know how Barcelona missed this typeface-based epiphany, but it’s definitely one of the very rare little videos to bring warmth to the cockles of the heart,” says Russell Richardson. “Having actually used it in “real life” I can attest it’s 100% true story. How did the club let it slip by?”
Brighton 0-0 Newcastle And now Pascal Gross has missed a superb chance to give Brighton the lead at the Amex Stadium. He’s playing against the wrong United today.
The latest Premier League scores
Arsenal 4-2 Leicester
Brighton 0-0 Newcastle
Man City 4-0 Bournemouth
Southampton 2-2 Leeds
Wolves 0-0 Fulham
GOAL! Southampton 2-2 Leeds (Walker-Peters 81)
What a comeback from Southampton! Joe Aribo scored one and now he’s made one for Kyle Walker-Peters, who finished emphatically to bring Southampton level.
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Arsenal 4-2 Leicester City Gabriel Jesus has missed a great chance for a hat-trick, shinning a bouncing ball into the side netting from four yards.
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GOAL! Man City 4-0 Bournemouth (Lerma own goal 79)
Joao Cancelo’s cross is turned into his own net by Jefferson Lerma, and City’s Premier League record now reads P2 W2 D0 L0 F6 A0 Pts 6.
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SA SAVES MITROVIC'S PENALTY!
Wolves 0-0 Fulham A big moment at Molineux, where Aleksandra Mitrovic’s penalty has been saved by Jose Sa.
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Man City 3-0 Bournemouth
Erling Haaland misses a great chance and is then substituted. He has eight touches in his 74 minutes on the field.
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GOAL! Arsenal 4-2 Leicester (Martinelli 76)
For the second time in the game, Leicester get back in the game then concede immediately. Gabriel Jesus (two goals, two assists now) lays the ball square to Martinelli, whose low, left-footed drive goes into the bottom corner.
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GOAL! Arsenal 3-2 Leicester (Maddison 74)
Now then. James Maddison has given Leicester a fresh sniff at the Emirates, ramming a deflected crossshot past Aaron Ramsdale.
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GOAL! Southampton 1-2 Leeds (Aribo 72)
Joe Aribo’s first goal for Southampton has given them hope of a comeback against Leeds.
The late game is Brentford v Manchester United, and the team news is just coming in. Scott Murray is following that one.
Bundesliga Ten-man Leipzig drew 2-2 with Koln, with Timo Werner scoring on his second debut for the club. You can see all the other results on our live scores page. That’s not clickbait, by the way, I just can’t be bothered to type Hoffenheim 3-2 Bochum.
Southampton 0-2 Leeds A small bit of good news for Southampton is that their next two games are against fellow Crisis Baton contenders: Leicester away, then Manchester United at home.
Arsenal 3-1 Leicester Arsenal should have had a penalty when Daniel Amartey booted Gabriel Jesus up in the air like an old sock. No idea why VAR didn’t get involved in that one.
Scotland
Another new signing, Antonio Colak, has put Rangers 2-0 up at home to St Johnstone. It’s been a good week at Ibrox.
2-0! Brilliant work from Matondo to win the ball in the penalty box and play in Çolak who does what Çolak does! pic.twitter.com/V5lUIPM4T2
— Heart & Hand Podcast (@ibroxrocks) August 13, 2022
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GOAL! Southampton 0-2 Leeds (Rodrigo 60)
Two for Leeds, two for Rodrigo. Pascal Struijk was going to score anyway, according to Michael Dawson on Sky Sports, but Rodrigo made sure on the line.
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The latest Premier League scores
Arsenal 3-1 Leicester
Brighton 0-0 Newcastle
Man City 3-0 Bournemouth
Southampton 0-1 Leeds
Wolves 0-0 Fulham
GOAL! Arsenal 3-1 Leicester (Xhaka 55)
Leicester no longer have a sniff. Ben White’s simple cross is spilled inexplicably by Danny Ward straight to the feet of Gabriel Jesus. He touches it back to give Xhaka an open goal. Sorry to say, that was a bad error from Ward.
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GOAL! Arsenal 2-1 Leicester (Saliba 53 og)
Leicester have a sniff at the Emirates. They kept the ball for an age until William Saliba, trying to get in front of Jamie Vardy, stooped to head past Aaron Ramsdale. As own goals go, it wasn’t a shocker; you can see why Saliba felt he had to play the ball.
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In Scotland, Rangers lead St Johnstone 1-0 thanks to another goal from their midweek hero Malik Tillman.
Wolves 0-0 Fulham Morgan Gibbs-White has just missed a terrific opportunity to put Wolves in front, it says here.
Man City 3-0 Bournemouth Jack Grealish came on for Phil Foden at half-time, and why not.
“Watching the excellent games so far in PL, should I as a Man Utd fan be panicking?” says Francis Mead. “Look, don’t tell me, I know the answer full well.”
United are still in the race. Sadly it’s with Everton and Southampton, for possession of the Premier League Crisis Baton.
GOAL! Southampton 0-1 Leeds (Rodrigo 46)
Leeds have scored right at the start of the second half. A superb cross from Jack Harrison is tucked away by Rodrigo, his second goal in as many games.
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Half-time reading
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Peep peep! These are the half-time scores in the five Premier League games.
Arsenal 2-0 Leicester Jesus 2
Brighton 0-0 Newcastle
Man City 3-0 Bournemouth Gundogan, De Bruyne, Foden
Southampton 0-0 Leeds
Wolves 0-0 Fulham
A notable scoreline in the Championship: Rotherham 4-0 Reading
You can follow all the games with our live scoreboard.
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Manchester City, 3-0 up against Bournemouth at half-time. Who’ll be playing the Eddie Large role today? It won’t be Jerry Sadowitz, we know that.
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Man City 3-0 Bournemouth “Rob, I know,” says Mary Waltz. “Early days, two games do not make a season, don’t overreact, etc, etc. I don’t care, City is a scary f’n team. They are going to crush all but a handful of teams this season.”
Arsenal 2-0 Leicester The referee gives Leicester a penalty for a foul by Aaron Ramsdale on Jamie Vardy – but it’s overturned after an intervention from the VAR official, Mr Michael Dean. It sounds like Ramsdale pulled out of the challenge, but Vardy’s muscle memory kicked in and he went down anyway.
Jamie Vardy wishing the VAR review screen was in the north sea
— Duncan Alexander (@oilysailor) August 13, 2022
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Live scoreboard
You can check out all the other latest scores by clicking this thing.
The latest Premier League scores
Jesus 2-0 Leicester
Brighton 0-0 Newcastle
Man City 3-0 Bournemouth
Southampton 0-0 Leeds
Wolves 0-0 Fulham
GOAL! Man City 3-0 Bournemouth (Foden 37)
It’s 3-0 to City, and Beast hasn’t scored any of them. Bournemouth made the mistake of crossing the halfway line and were punished on the break. De Bruyne timed his through pass perfectly to Foden, who forced a shot through Travers.
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GOAL! Arsenal 2-0 Leicester (Jesus 35)
Gabriel Jesus gets his second, nodding in from close range after Martinelli’s corner was inadvertently flicked on at the near post by Vardy. There are bigger challenges ahead, but right now Arsenal look a seriously good association football outfit.
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“Just had a quick scan through the first few minutes of the Clockwatch and saw references not just to Radiohead but Massive Attack as well,” says Josse McMahon. “ Unbelievable. Now I’m just waiting for someone to mention PJ Harvey and that will be a hat trick of my favourite artists in one afternoon.”
We just need Billy Sharp to bang one in for Sheffield United. Oh hang on, they’re not playing until tomorrow.
GOAL! Man City 2-0 Bournemouth (De Bruyne 31)
City double their lead with a goal of unobtrusive class. De Bruyne moves infield from the right, realises he can’t play Haaland through because he’s offside, and instead waves a shot into the bottom corner with the outside of his right foot.
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“Timo Werner clearly left his bucket in Leipzig when he left for Chelsea,” says Brendan Large. “Go on Timo!”
I really hope he succeeds. Some of the abuse he received was scandalous.
The latest Premier League scores
Arsenal 1-0 Leicester
Brighton 0-0 Newcastle
Man City 1-0 Bournemouth
Southampton 0-0 Leeds
Wolves 0-0 Fulham
GOAL! Arsenal 1-0 Leicester (Jesus 23)
A lovely goal from Gabriel Jesus on his home debut. Actually, it might have been deflected, but he’ll not care. He received the ball on the left side of the area, looked up and floated the ball imaginatively across Ward and into the far corner. I think it nicked off Evans, though it’s hard to be sure. Either way, the shot was on target so it’ll go down as Jesus’s goal.
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Man City 1-0 Bournemouth That’s three goals in just over half an hour for Gundogan at the Emirates Etihad, if you include his title-winning heroics against Aston Villa in May.
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GOAL! Man City 1-0 Bournemouth (Gundogan 18)
Erling Haaland literally didn’t touch the ball until the 18th minute, and that’s not an exaggeration, but as soon as he did it let to a goal. Haaland wrestled for the ball and then forced a return pass through to Ilkay Gundogan, who slapped it emphatically past Mark Travers.
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Bundesliga Timo Werner has scored on his second debut for RB Leipzig. They’re drawing 1-1 at home to FC Koln, though Dominic Szoboszlai has just been sent off.
Southampton 0-0 Leeds There’s been a VAR check for a Southampton penalty after a tackle by Diego Llorente on Stuart Armstrong. Stockley Park’s finest decided it was a fair challenge.
Brighton 0-0 Newcastle Callum Wilson has had a goal disallowed for a high boot, it says here.
“It’s nice and cool here in Saint Paul, Minnesota, USA, USA, USA, too,” writes Matty Spillum. “Perhaps more telling than whether the pyramid-scheme-unfolding-in-real-time disaster that is Barcelona and their use of a quite expensive looking typeface is their choice of coach Xavi for the graphic, presumably because his image rights are significantly cheaper to use.”
What gives me pause with Barcelona is that a lot of very well-informed folk insist there is nothing to see here, so maybe we’re the clowns here. Who knows.
Man City 0-0 Bournemouth Mark Travers, Bournemouth’s excellent young Irish goalkeeper, has just saved superbly with his legs to deny Phil Foden. City could already be 4-0 up.
“Hey Rob,” says Vibhanshu Bisht. “If you want Comic Sans, the Man Utd game is in the 5.30pm slot.”
The sight of McFred' in Comic Sans would tip some poor soul over the edge.
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“Probably worth noting that the moment they kicked off, Bournemouth went top of the leaguem," says Richard Morris. “Noting quickly as probably not for long.”
“Do you think Neil Warnock’s boat’s engine arrived auto-tuned to ‘Girl I Love You’ by Massive Attack?” says Neill Brown. “I don’t have a speedboat or yacht so I don’t know if you can choose what bassline your engine plays.”
It’s a perfectly reasonable question, so why do I keep reading it as: “Do you think Neil Warnock makes love to ‘I Just Called to Say I Love You’ by Stevie Wonder?”
Man City 0-0 Bournemouth Both City’s centre-halves, Ruben Dias and Nathan Ake, have missed good chances, it also says here.
Arsenal 0-0 Leicester Wesley Fofana has missed a good chance to give Leicester the lead, it says here.
“I bumped into Bruno Lage in a cafe in Tettenhall, Wolverhampton last week,” writes Peter Higginson. “Have you noticed he has incredibly thin and long legs, like a fly! Do you think this is important?”
It is now!
“Good afternoon, Rob!” says Alexandra Ashton. “Following up on Charles’ analysis of the teamsheets posted by various clubs’ social media, I’d like to voice my discontent with Wolves (using a different font for the numbers, captain ©, and the word “substitutes”??) and Bournemouth (I may be blind, but those numbers seem rather hard to read). Conversely, I’m fond of Newcastle’s semi-condensed looking font and very pretty colour scheme. Does this mean anything? Obviously not, but I’ve nothing better to do, so…”
All this font chat has got me looking further afield. Look at Barcelona’s, for example. Can they even afford that font?
🚨 SQUAD LIST 🚨#BarçaRayo pic.twitter.com/mO0UxcrsUt
— FC Barcelona (@FCBarcelona) August 13, 2022
The 3pm games are about to start, but let’s attend to more important matters: Grant Tennille has cracked the case of the Brighton/Radiohead font crossover.
TEAM NEWS. 🚨 Here's our starting XI to face @NUFC this afternoon! 📝
— Brighton & Hove Albion (@OfficialBHAFC) August 13, 2022
📲 https://t.co/S3j1TIvOB3 // #BHAFC 🔵⚪️ pic.twitter.com/vVZqHMfcpo
Aston Villa 2-1 Everton
Andy Hunter was at Villa Park to watch the home side quieten some of the chatter about their manager.
“Hey Rob!” says Joe Pearson. “How smug do you feel to be in Orkney right now, comfortably in the teens when most of the matches will be played in the 30s? Here in Indianapolis, it is an unseasonably cool 64 (19 to you). Location, location, location.”
It does look violently hot at the Emirates in particular. Reminds me of the 2003 Community Shield, when the heat got to Phil Neville and Franny Jeffers.
“Those images of team selections allow a comparison of PR departments’ choice of font and style,” squints Charles Antakia. “ They all go for all-caps, some (Leicester, Leeds) with generous kerning, but Man City suffocatingly tight. Fonts run a scale from boring (Bournemouth) to child-friendly (Brighton). Today’s prize goes to Arsenal, for somehow digging up a font last seen in the spaceship signage of a 1990s sci-fi series.”
Brighton’s looks like a Radiohead font, though I can’t place which one. Any idea? Leicester’s looks like it belongs on the portfolio of a start-up company specialising in eco-friendly toothpaste. Sad to see that none of the teams have gone for Comic Sans. What a humourless society we’ve become.
“Firstly, Neil Warnock is an absolute enigma,” says Matt Dony. “Thoroughly dislikeable, but also at times warm, funny and engaging. I don’t get him. I don’t know how I feel about him. Secondly, I stand by my pre-season prediction that Mitrovic will net eight goals this season, scored either side of a 10-game drought. He’s spaffed two of them already, so don’t expect much from him today. Thirdly, poor Bournemouth. Poor, poor Bournemouth.”
Full time: Aston Villa 2-1 Everton
Aston Villa survived a late Everton onslaught, sparked by the introduction of the new signing Amadou Onana, to win their first home game of the season.
Everton’s next match, at home to Nottingham Forest next weekend, already feels like a biggie.
“Afternoon Rob,” weeps Simon McMahon. “Don’t worry about keeping too close an eye on things in Scotland, as I’m still processing the events of Thursday night as Dundee United have gone from heroes to zeroes in the space of a week, following victory over AZ Alkmaar with defeat at home to Livingston and then a record-equalling pumping in the return leg in Holland on Thursday night.
“No denying it, a proper minter for all concerned with the Tannadice club. Goodness knows what Jim McLean would have made of it. The players will eventually be forced out of hiding to face Hearts at Tynecastle tomorrow. Champions Celtic are at Kilmarnock before that, and today’s games are Aberdeen v Motherwell, Livingston v Hibs, Rangers v St. Johnstone and St. Mirren v Ross County.”
Just watch this on loop for the next forever days.
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In a parallel universe, Neil Warnock is just starting his teamtalk ahead of a tricky match at the Weston Homes Stadium
Have they announced the new Bond yet? 😎 #FridayFeeling #heatwave #retirement pic.twitter.com/80rKE2t2Ad
— Neil Warnock (@warnockofficial) August 12, 2022
‘The name’s w****er. Colin w****r’, etc.
Wolves v Fulham team news
🔐 Unchanged XI from #LEEWOL
— Wolves (@Wolves) August 13, 2022
✍️ Guedes in the squad
👋 Adama back on the bench
How we line-up to face @FulhamFC 👇 pic.twitter.com/cyKQeQBUDG
Your Fulham. 🤍#WOLFUL pic.twitter.com/Fe7OeOCwDS
— Fulham Football Club (@FulhamFC) August 13, 2022
Southampton v Leeds team news
It's a competitive #SaintsFC debut for Armel Bella-Kotchap 😇
— Southampton FC (@SouthamptonFC) August 13, 2022
Here's today's team for the game against #LUFC: pic.twitter.com/TSyUxhhKMh
📋 Jesse names an unchanged Starting XI, whilst Forshaw, Sinisterra and James feature on the bench pic.twitter.com/OatPBxJufY
— Leeds United (@LUFC) August 13, 2022
Man City v Bournemouth team news
🔵 𝗧𝗘𝗔𝗠 𝗡𝗘𝗪𝗦 🔵
— Manchester City (@ManCity) August 13, 2022
XI | Ederson, Walker, Dias, Ake, Cancelo, Rodrigo, De Bruyne, Gundogan (C), Mahrez, Haaland, Foden
SUBS | Ortega Moreno, Stones, Grealish, Alvarez, Bernardo, Delap, Mbete, Lewis, Wilson-Esbrand#ManCity | @HaysWorldwide pic.twitter.com/JnuQrNqo9B
📝 𝗧𝗘𝗔𝗠 𝗡𝗘𝗪𝗦 📝
— AFC Bournemouth 🍒 (@afcbournemouth) August 13, 2022
🔺 Three changes at City
🔺 Cook starts in midfield
🔺 Solanke and Zemura miss out
Our line up for #MCIBOU 👊👊 pic.twitter.com/XckRvDrVfE
Brighton v Newcastle team news
TEAM NEWS. 🚨 Here's our starting XI to face @NUFC this afternoon! 📝
— Brighton & Hove Albion (@OfficialBHAFC) August 13, 2022
📲 https://t.co/S3j1TIvOB3 // #BHAFC 🔵⚪️ pic.twitter.com/vVZqHMfcpo
How we line-up at the Amex Stadium this afternoon...
— Newcastle United FC (@NUFC) August 13, 2022
HWTL! ✊⚫️⚪️ pic.twitter.com/v62X4UlUVF
Arsenal v Leicester team news
🚨 TEAM NEWS!
— Arsenal (@Arsenal) August 13, 2022
We're unchanged from our 2-0 win over Crystal Palace at Selhurst Park 🔥#ARSLEI
Our XI to take on the Gunners 🔵 📝#ARSLEI pic.twitter.com/TNpzp9hNhX
— Leicester City (@LCFC) August 13, 2022
On Monday, the Premier League will be 30 years old. Barney Ronay had the unenviable task of condensing three decades of hype and history into a breezy, stylish, intelligent 2,000-word read.
Look out, it’s the Premier League!
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The early Premier League game is at Villa Park, where Aston Villa lead Everton 1-0 at half-time. Scott Murray is watching that one.
Preamble
In decades to come, historians will scratch their heads when they reflect upon the late 2010s and early 2020s. Brexit, Trump, Covid, Johnson, populism, Twitter, post-truth, post-shame, post-dignity – all will defy understanding, in the same way our generation can’t imagine fag smoke wafting round an airplane and up pre-pubescent nostrils before the poor kids had the chance to get addicted to nicotine on their own terms.
Most beard-strokingly of all, the finest minds on the planet will struggle to comprehend that many sensible, erudite people seriously doubted whether Erling Braut Haaland would score goals in industrial quantities at Manchester City.
Haaland’s terrifying double at West Ham last weekend was a statement of the most devastating intent – 34’s the record, since you asked – and it’s a shame Opta don’t have statistics on how well the Bournemouth central defenders slept last night. Jefferson Lerma, Chris Mepham and Lloyd Kelly have the ginormous task of stopping Haaland, who makes his home debut for Manchester City today.
City v Bournemouth – the Eddie Large game - is one of five 3pm kick-offs, all of which are likely to be played in extreme heat. We’ll also keep a side eye on events throughout the EFL, in Scotland and in Europe, but our main focus will be these five Premier League games:
Arsenal v Leicester
Brighton v Newcastle
Man City v Bournemouth
Southampton v Leeds
Wolves v Fulham
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