Time to turn to the Grand National. There’s a horse in it called Domaine De L’Isle (hat tip: my nephew Arthur). According to the betting, it’s a no-hoper, but I feel obliged to cheer it on. For more informed updates, click here.
That’s it from me. Thanks for your company, correspondence and comments on the validity of Martinelli’s disallowed goal. See you tomorrow for the next relegation arm-wrestle, Norwich v Burnley.
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Back to the Dundee derby. “United still undefeated against Dundee at Tannadice since 2004,” says Simon McMahon, “though they tried their best to remedy that by throwing away a two-goal lead. Finished 2-2, and United secure a top-six place.”
“United so bad, Arsenal bottling it,” says Gary Neville on Twitter. “Over to you Spurs.”
Full time! Arsenal 1-2 Brighton
Brighton cling on! And Arsenal lose two in a row. So they don’t make Man United pay for their defeat, but they do hand Spurs a huge opportunity.
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Arsenal 1-2 Brighton Save! By Martinez, from Nketiah. Block! By someone else. Ramsdale is in Brighton’s box.
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Arsenal 1-2 Brighton They’re having six minutes of added time, so about two to go. Odegaard sees another opening but can’t quite find Saka.
Full time! Watford 0-3 Leeds
Game over, and season over, very possibly, for Watford. They still can’t do anything at home.
Full time! Southampton 0-6 Chelsea
It was a rout for an hour, then a 0-0 draw.
GOAL! Arsenal 1-2 Brighton (Odegaard 89)
A twist! Odegaard hits the woodwork, then finds the net, with help from a deflection. And we have a home goal at last.
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“It is like an identity switch farce at the Emirates,” says Jeremy Dresner. “The team with something to fight for – flat, limp, uninspired, insipid. The team with nothing to play for – spunky, combative, slick. Do these guys even look at the league table?”
Southampton 0-6 Chelsea Something has gone terribly wrong with Chelsea. They haven’t scored for half an hour.
“Just to throw fuel on the fire,” says Martin Crookall, “does anyone really want to start adding another subjective factor - i.e. does it matter? - into the offside rule?”
Goal! Watford 0-3 Leeds (Harrison 85)
Leeds are on fire! Jack Harrison, so prolific this year, makes sure of the win with a blast from the left. Leeds now have 33 points this season and ten of them have come from the past four games. Jesse Marsch, take a bow.
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David de Gea has called Manchester United’s performance today “a disgrace”. Full story here from Andy Hunter.
Arsenal 0-2 Brighton Arsenal have had one shot on target in 75 minutes. Plus the disallowed header from Martinelli, which we will surely be hearing more about. And to add to Arsenal’s woes, Tariq Lamptey is coming on, replacing the scorer of the second goal, Mwepu.
“Chelsea fans chanting Roman Abramovich’s name,” says the football writer John Aizlewood on Twitter. “They sure can read a room.”
Watford 0-2 Leeds The second goal came from a cock-up at the back involving Kamara and Samir, who conspired to leave Rodrigo with only Ben Foster to beat.
Coming up: Villa-Spurs It’s the 5.30pm game, and Barry Glendinning is on the MBM for us.
Goal! Watford 0-2 Leeds (Rodrigo 73)
The nightmare gets worse. “Game over,” says Sky’s Clinton Morrison.
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Watford 0-1 Leeds If Watford’s season were a movie, it would be Nightmare At Vicarage Road. They’ve had more shots than Leeds (8-5), and more clear-cut chances (2-0), but only one of those eight has been on target.
Goal! Arsenal 0-2 Brighton (Mwepu 67)
A screamer on the half-volley from Enock Mwepu! And Arsenal’s week is going from bad to awful.
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All three of these games are past the hour now, and we still don’t have a single home goal. You have to feel for the crowds.
“It always tickles me,” says Charlie Robinson, “seeing football fans tying themselves in knots trying to justify criticism of whatever decision goes against their team. Once you’ve typed out words such as ‘While the Arsenal goal may have been correctly ruled offside...’ or ‘it’s likely that Martinelli was a hair offside...’, you should probably read those words back to yourself and consider very carefully whether you want to continue the point by arguing that the goal should have stood.”
“Shock transfer,” says Ben Hayes, picking up on my post from 16:11. “Not surprised that Chelsea are stuffing Saints if they’ve signed Harry Kane.” Ha, sorry, I meant Kane. Will tweak it now.
Watford 0-1 Leeds Big chance for Watford! They’ve been better since half-time, but when the chance comes, to Ismaila Sarr, he has all the old pros in the BT studio holding their heads in their hands.
Southampton 0-6 Chelsea It really could have been worse: Chelsea have had 13 shots on target, and three off target – those must be the three from Werner that hit the woodwork. Southampton have managed one shot on target, three off. They made another change at half-time, by the way: Diallo for Adam Armstrong. And Thomas Tuchel sent on Pulisic for Havertz.
Are you a lawyer, I asked Alex Whitney a few minutes ago. “A quick glance at my (mostly) empty billfold confirms that, indeed, no I’m not,” he replies. “I’m a public school teacher. Almost as close as Martinelli to being onside.” Oof.
GOAL! Southampton 0-6 Chelsea (Mount 55)
Anything Werner can do, Mount can do too. He gets his second and at this rate, Southampton might settle for another 9-0.
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GOAL! Southampton 0-5 Chelsea (Werner 50)
More of the same! Made by Kante, who drew a parry from Forster, giving Werner a tap-in.
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Arsenal 0-1 Brighton Mikel Arteta, who is not shy of a half-time shake-up, has switched to a back three,. Bakayo Saka has moved to right wing-back.
“While the Arsenal goal may have been correctly ruled offside,” says Robert Speed, “one does need to ask if the offside rule is fit for purpose in that instance. Martinelli and about 4 Brighton defenders are within a few feet of the goal-line, and when Martinelli heads the ball he’s well in front of those 4 Brighton defenders. People love to argue about the complexity of the rule, but in that case (and many others) it has a bit of a nonsensical outcome. Martinelli was not gaining any advantage whatsoever.” Ah, the spirit rather than the letter. It ought to count for something, but I’m not sure it does.
As things stand, Chelsea are on 62 points and Arsenal on 55, both from 30 games. Spurs, also on 30, are a point behind Arsenal; they play later at Villa Park. Man United, on 51 points from 31 games, are seventh, below West Ham on goal difference.
At the other end of the table, Watford are 19th on 23 points from 31 games, a point behind Burnley (who have two games in hand). Everton, after 30 games, are 17th on 28 points, three behind Leeds but with two games in hand. This is all assuming our 3pm matches stay as they are, which, in two cases out of three, may well be premature.
“I do think it’s likely that Martinelli was a hair offside,” says Alex Whitney, “but I don’t see how you overturn something when it’s not clear and obvious (at least from any angle we could see). The potential to set a dangerous precedent when disallowing something seemingly based on an educated guess is a concern.” Are you, by any chance, a lawyer?
“I’ve often wondered,” says Peter Oh, “why iPhone users are so dogmatic about the supposed superiority of their product over all others. The dots over the n thing does go some way toward clarifying things. But as long as I can tap out (Pervis, Villareal left-back) Estupiñán on my humble phone I won’t feel like I’m missing out. Anyway, how are AЯsenal doing?” Ouch.
Half-time! Southampton 0-4 Chelsea
It’s been a rout at St Mary’s and it could have been even worse. Timo Werner has hit the woodwork three times and Fraser Forster, according to Sky’s Paul Merson, “has made two unbelievable saves”.
Half-time: Arsenal 0-1 Brighton
Brighton hang onto their slender lead, with a little help from the VAR. And we still haven’t had a home goal since Anthony Gordon’s winner at Goodison Park.
Half-time: Watford 0-1 Leeds
Watford are still in the mire, thanks to Raphinha’s strike that went in off the post.
NO GOAL! Arsenal 0-1 Brighton
The check is a long one ... the boos are ringing out ... and the decision is ... offside! It took three minutes, 40 seconds.
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GOAL? Arsenal 1-1 Brighton (Martinelli 45+2)
Martinelli swoops on Gabriel’s header, but VAR is checking for offside...
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Arsenal 0-1 Brighton “Arsenal have created absolutely nothing,” says Chris Sutton on BT Sport, “just like on Monday night at Palace.”
Back to Everton. “One good thing about Everton’s predicament,” says Ian Copestake, “if they truly still are in the woods is that they can then fashion a paddle.” Frank Lampard has many talents, but I’m not sure that’s one of them.
Southampton 0-4 Chelsea Ralph Hasenhuttl needs to do something, and he does: he takes Oriol Romeu off and brings on Yan Valery to bolster the defence. It’s both early in the game for a substitution, and almost certainly too late.
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So we’ve had six goals in our three games, and every one of them has come from the away team.
GOAL! Southampton 0-4 Chelsea (Havertz 31)
Another one! It’s Kai Havertz this time, after Werner. hit the post for the umpteenth time this afternoon. Southampton have a job on their hands to avoid another of those 9-0s.
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GOAL! Arsenal 0-1 Brighton (Trossard 28)
Ooh! Arsenal pay a high price for their reshuffle as Granit Xhaka drifts out of position at left-back, allowing Dunk to release Mwepu, who looks up and sees Trossard in acres. He finishes neatly from 12 yards, and that’s the first goal Brighton have scored with their feet in eight league games.
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“And talking of fixtures,” says Phil Grey, “Watford have Leeds, Brentford and Burnley at home before they play Everton at home in May (and they beat them 5-2 at Goodison). Everton are still in the woods.”
GOAL! Southampton 0-3 Chelsea (Werner 22)
Take that, Mary Waltz, says Timo Werner, as he latches onto a long ball, leaves Fraser Forster for dead, and shows all the composure he’s been lacking for the past 18 months.
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GOAL! Watford 0-1 Leeds (Raphinha 21)
A body blow for Watford as Dan James wins a 50-50 and Raphinha, the best player on either side, beats Ben Foster at his near post.
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Arsenal 0-0 Brighton You’d expect Arsenal to dominate at home against Brighton, but it’s been very even on paper: possession 52-48, shots 1-1, passes 118-110. Sounds as if Arsenal are missing Thomas Partey.
Southampton 0-2 Chelsea In no time, Mason Mount has moved up to fourth-equal in the PL goals-plus-assists table. Top five: Salah 30, Son 20, Kane 18, Bowen and Mount 17. Hat-tip to Statman Dave.
GOAL! Southampton 0-2 Chelsea (Mount 15)
Mount again! Smashing it in on the half-volley. Chelsea are back in business after a bad week.
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“Timo Werner,” says Mary Waltz. “42 PL matches. Three goals. One PL goal this season. Compared to the expectations coming in, huge flop, eh?” Yes – but Chelsea get goals from all over the pitch, so it’s not costing them much.
Southampton 0-1 Chelsea That is Marcos Alonso’s first goal since the opening day of the season, and it was made by Mason Mount with what sounds like a lovely piece of skill. But Saints haven’t given up: Ward-Prowse comes close with a free kick from the right.
GOAL! Southampton 0-1 Chelsea (Alonso 8)
First blood to Chelsea!
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“Love the MBM,” says Richard Stant. Is there a but coming? Sort of. “Just to make the point, most phones won’t let you put an umlaut over an n. Look: n. It’s impossible. Spın̈al Tap will have to remain for the pre-iPhone age.”
Southampton 0-0 Chelsea Chelsea go up the other end and hit the post! It’s Timo Werner, with a low shot, on the counter after a Southampton corner.
Southampton 0-0 Chelsea An early free kick for the peerless James Ward-Prowse, but it’s too deep for a shot and Chelsea cope easily with his cross.
The whistle has blown on all three of our games.
“Some bemusement amongst Arsenal fans,” says Charles Antaki, “seeing Alexandre Lacazette upfront again; the old warhorse is more horse than war these days, and in the mind of some, not that far off the knacker’s yard. But he could yet hoof one into the net.” Yes, he’s been having a strange time of it. He seems to be a false nine these days, like Harry Kane without the goals.
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Correction: Everton are not out of the woods. Rick Harris (14:36) makes a very good point about the fixture list. Everton have still to play Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal, as well as Leicester twice. Burnley’s pictures are gentler, and they have a game in hand – against Norwich tomorrow. Everton should stay up, but then we’ve been saying that all season.
“Everton win helps Spurs, if ever United were a threat,” says Yash Gupta. “Lampard stays for next season – more fun for everyone not connected to Everton.” Ha.
“I agree that United are out of contention for fourth place,” says Rick Harris, “but looking at Everton’s run in, I would say they will need a lot more than a win against the easiest ‘big team’ to turn over. United look like the season can’t finish soon enough and it is hard to see where they go from here with that squad. If it is Ten Hag as the new manager, he would be well advised to bring his best 11 players with him.” Harsh but fair.
And another! From our Everton correspondent, Mary Waltz. “There shall be no slander towards United today,” she says. “With my Everton squad facing elimination the Red Devils gifted us three points. That kind of generosity should be applauded.” Ha. I know United were poor, but the goal came from a big fat deflection, so perhaps the generosity was on the part of the gods. Anyway, the upshot is that Frank Lampard lives to fight another day, and Ralf Rangnick may as well step down now. Is Michael Carrick still available?
An email! From our Scottish correspondent, Simon McMahon. “ It’s derby day in Dundee,” he writes, “as United look to confirm their place in the top six with three points against a Dundee side who will almost certainly be relegated should they lose today. So all to play for. United haven’t lost to their neighbours at Tannadice for 18 years, which is making me as nervous as a Spïnal Tap drummer. There’s an Edinburgh derby too at Tynecastle, and it’s Aberdeen v Ross County, Livingston v Motherwell and champions-elect Celtic v St. Johnstone.” Thanks Simon. Love that umlaut, but at the risk of being picky, wasn’t it supposed to be on the N?
Everton win!
Everton have hung onto their 1-0 lead over Manchester United, largely thanks to Jordan Pickford, who has been immense. That means Everton are probably out of the woods, and United are probably out of the Champions League race. Join Barry Glendinning on the MBM here.
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Teams: Watford v Leeds
Roy Hodgson keeps calm and names an unchanged side.
Watford: Foster; Femenia, Kabasele, Samir, Kamara; Sissoko, Louza, Kucka; Sarr, Joao Pedro, Hernandez.
Subs: Bachmann, King, Masina, Cathcart, Kalu, Cleverley, Sierralta, Kayembe, Dennis.
Leeds: Meslier; Ayling, Llorente, Cooper, Dallas; Klich, Koch; Raphinha, Rodrigo, Harrison; James.
Subs: Klaesson, Struijk, Phillips, Gelhardt, Hjelde, Cresswell, Summerville, Greenwood, Kenneh.
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Teams: Southampton v Chelsea
Southampton: Forster; Livramento, Bednarek, Salisu, Walker-Peters; Ward-Prowse, Romeu, Stuart Armstrong, Elyounoussi; Adam Armstrong, Adams.
Subs: Caballero, Stephens, Redmond, Perraud, Smallbone, Tella, Diallo, Walcott, Valery.
Chelsea: Mendy; Christensen, Thiago Silva, Rudiger; Loftus-Cheek, Kante, Kovacic, Alonso; Mount, Havertz, Werner.
Subs: Arrizabalaga, Sarr, Chalobah, James, Jorginho, Saul, Barkley, Ziyech, Pulisic.
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Teams: Arsenal v Brighton
Granit Xhaka continues as a makeshift left-back – and will be relieved to find Tariq Lamptey on the bench.
Arsenal: Ramsdale; Soares, White, Gabriel, Xhaka; Lokonga, Smith Rowe; Saka, Odegaard, Martinelli; Lacazette.
Subs: Leno, Holding, Tavares, Elneny, Nketiah, Ogungbo, Swanson, Hutchinson, Pepe.
Brighton: Sanchez; Veltman, Dunk, Cucurella; Mwepu, Gross, Caicedo, Bissouma, Mac Allister; Welbeck, Trossard.
Subs: Steele, Lamptey, Webster, Maupay, Lallana, Alzate, March, Offiah, Sarmiento.
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Preamble
Afternoon everyone and welcome to Saturday afternoon at the football. It’s an old tradition that is slowly shrinking, like an old person. But what today’s 3pm kick-offs lack in quantity, they make up for in quality. There are only three games but they all count: two are part of the tussle for the top four, and the third is a relegation dogfight.
Arsenal v Brighton After being pummelled by Palace on Monday, Arsenal badly need a win. Brighton badly need a goal: they’ve managed only one in their past seven league games, after grabbing 11 in the previous seven. They haven’t scored against Arsenal since 2019-20, but they did the double over them then, so they have a reason to believe – and Tariq Lamptey’s eyes will be lighting up at the thought of taking on Nuno Tavares.
Southampton v Chelsea It’s the Peter Osgood derby! Ossie had his ups’n’downs and so, just lately, have his old clubs. Southampton, usually so hard to beat at St Mary’s, have lost two home games in a row – to Newcastle and Watford, of all people. Chelsea, too, have had back-to-back shockers at home, caving in to Brentford and Real Madrid. But their away form has been formidable all season, with ten wins out of 15, the same as Liverpool.
Watford v Leeds The most experienced manager in the Premier League, Roy Hodgson, against the least, Jesse Marsch. Watford are in dire straits, desperate for a win following Burnley’s resurgence in midweek. Leeds are in clover after racking up seven points in three games. Anything could happen.
