We all know and recognise that parenting can sometimes bring us lots of joy. But, *whispers* the truth is that not all aspects of parenting are very joyful.
Anna Mathur is a mum-of-three and resident expert for GoodtoKnow and has written some brilliantly relatable articles on mum rage, and the common grandparent fails that parents try to navigate. She is a parent psychotherapist who is passionate about women finding their way through and figuring out what matrescence is all about while keeping a tiny human alive. In this article, she asks where has all the joy gone?
As a parent psychotherapist with many a frazzled client, I know that much of what brings parents to talk with me is underpinned by a sense of guilt for… well, having feelings and we feel we need to add caveats and disclaimers whenever we want to express a feeling.
In no other area of our lives; our adult relationships or in the workplace, do we feel a need to caveat any vaguely ‘negative’ human emotion with ‘but I’m so grateful’ or #blessed. We don’t follow ‘my other half is doing my head in’ with ‘but I’m so grateful to have met him’, or ‘my boss is being so unreasonable' with ‘but isn’t it just incredible to have a job?’. No, we don't need to for these instances we silently acknowledge that the dynamics and demands of work and relationships are multi-layered and complex. So how come, in parenting, do we place expectations on ourselves, and the experience itself, to feel joyful more often than not - where does that come from?
If you’re struggling to see the joy in parenting, here are three things that will help you navigate this low ebb;
Struggling to find the joy in parenting? Remember;
- It feels hard because it is hard
- Deepen your support network
- Look for the glimmers
1. It feels hard because it is hard
We don’t pressure those going through the darkness of grief, stress or depression to ‘smile and be happy’. So how come we easily fall into self-judgement when we’re going through tough parenting times? Finding things hard and going through a period of time where joy doesn’t feel abundant to say the least, isn’t a reflection of how much you love and appreciate your child. Choose to acknowledge how you feel without judgement, it’s simply a response to your circumstances. I sometimes wonder if, when we leave the delivery room, we place this vastly unrealistic expectation on ourselves to feel happy and grateful all of the time. Yes, leaning into gratitude (more on that in a minute) can introduce a little sunshine when we’re having a rough time but to expect ourselves to exist in a bubble of joy as if to feel anything else is to love…less.
Soraya’s story: I went through multiple rounds of IVF to have Chloe. Despite feeling anxious throughout the bumpy pregnancy, I was unbelievably happy when she arrived. I couldn’t believe she was finally here. It was all worth it. However, as the months passed, I felt so guilty every single time I felt overwhelmed. I’d put on a happy face, not only to other people, including my partner and mum, but to myself. I didn’t feel like I deserved to feel sad, or find it hard because we’d fought so hard for her.
Therapy really helped me see that finding hard stuff hard and tiring stuff tiring didn’t mean I wasn’t grateful’. If you’re going through a challenging time, the last thing you need is a tonne of judgment heaped upon every emotion that surfaces. Look out for ‘should’s and challenge them. ‘I should feel happy, I should be finding this easier’. Ask yourself, ‘who says so?’ and acknowledge that just as Soraya discovered ‘It’s hard to find hard stuff hard’.
As we make space for emotions, we let them pass and move through us rather than supressing and sometimes compounding them. As we refuse to judge ourselves for feeling a certain way, we are more likely to open up to others about the truth of how we are, inviting needed support and honesty from them too.
2. Deepen your support network
The less we are able to validate our own situations, or feel seen by those close to us, the more we need to see our experiences reflected in people around us to feel validated. If you’re struggling to find joy in the season of parenting you are in
Thandia’s story: When it was confirmed that my son had Downs syndrome, I felt like nobody around me understood how it felt. The antenatal WhatsApp group was rammed with chat about routines and moans about colic. I went silent on the group and archived it. I felt angry every time I read their messages. I wished my worries could be so mundane, but they were more about when my son needed his first heart surgery.
One day, I was rushing round the supermarket and saw a woman with a toddler who had DS. I literally ambushed her. She was so kind and told me about an online group she was a part of. It was like a whole new world opened up to me. Feeling understood by this online group of parents (although I’ve met up with some of them now) took the pressure off my need to get that from my antenatal friends. Slowly I began to reconnect with them.
If you are struggling with any aspect of parenting that feels nuanced, that you don’t see reflected around you, there will be many people who deeply get it. Whether you’re single parenting and feel surrounded by happy families, are parenting through chronic illness, or spend more time in hospital with your child than outside of it, find those people online or offline. It can take time, but it’s worth it. The more you feel seen and have your experiences validated by those who truly get it, then the more you’re able to offer that powerful acknowledgement in the face of those who cannot.
3. Look for the glimmers
Your day might not feel beautiful, but there will be beautiful things in your day. Sometimes we need to lower the bar for the things that bring us joy so that we’re able to experience glimmers of it more often. Not sure what 'glimmers' are? GoodtoKnow talk all about them in their noticing glimmers can help with stress of parenting article.
Culturally we celebrate the mountain-top experiences, the new jobs, the wins, the gains, the big milestones. But if we rely on those big moments to bring us joy, we won’t experience that warm glow as often as we deserve to. Gemma describes this in such a powerful way.
Gemma’s story: My kids have been extra challenging lately, and not only that, my mum has just been moved into hospice care. Life has felt heavy and worrying. I know she meant well, but when my friend told me ‘I should be grateful for the fact she was still there to hug, and my kids were healthy’. It just made me feel more ashamed for wanting to fast forward life.
I saw people talk about ‘glimmers’ on social media and it really helped. It’s all about trying to notice the small things that can bring you joy. I started to feel more appreciation for the moments my kids snuggled up to me, and started to sip my morning tea a bit more mindfully. I even stopped the car on the school run so we could look at an incredible view. The kids think I’m ridiculous. It doesn’t change anything for my mum, but it helps lift my spirits in the moment and it feels like it all adds up’.
I always think gratitude should come with the small print that says ‘do not use gratitude to beat yourself up for human feelings’. One tip is to recognise when you’re using the word ‘but’ when talking about feelings. ‘I am so overwhelmed, BUT I’m so grateful’. Instead of ‘but’, use ‘and’. ‘I am so overwhelmed and I’m grateful’. This simple swap acts a powerful acknowledgement that you can feel many feelings at once, often conflicting, and neither need to shame or detract from the other.
So yes, search for the glimmers as if seeking to find a ruby amidst the sooty rubble. Fill the gaps in your support network to include spaces in which you feel seen where before you have felt misunderstood. The more we do this for ourselves, the more we collectively lower that eye-wateringly high and unrealistic expectation that to not feel joyful, is not okay. Ride those waves of conflicting emotion, and adopt the mantra ‘maybe I’m not failing. Maybe I’m finding it hard because it is hard’.
If you liked this then check out Anna's other great, and insightful articles. The most recent on the fear you'll 'mess your kids up' will make you feel seen, and why most mums never feel good enough will make you realise it's not just you. Plus, her heart-aching piece on regretting motherhood shares five brilliant ways to respond to that feeling.
