If you’re feeling over- or underwhelmed by the election (probably both), have you considered how your pets would vote? This perennial can of worms was reopened on French social media recently by a creator asking whether viewers’ animals were leftwing or rightwing. Her luxurious-looking cat was rightwing, she said, with a “vibe de petit bourgeois”. Responses included another animal lover claiming, inflammatorily, that “all cats are rightwing”, a horse accused of having a Facebook account to post “you can’t say anything these days” updates and many rabbit owners regretfully identifying their pets as far-right voters.
In this household’s menagerie, past and present, we all think the tortoises – rampant individualists – are no-such-thing-as-society Tories (my elder son singled out the smallest, sexual harassing one as “incredibly far right”, which tracks). Consensus was complete on our deceased whippet: spoiled ballot paper or “they’re all the same” apathetic abstainer. Initially, I assumed all of my many hens have been socialists, but there’s the pecking order business, plus they like a strong leader and enforce aggressive anti-pigeon border control. I hope their strong collectivist impulses would win out, but I can’t be certain.
Throwing the question open to anyone who could tolerate this degree of whimsy (not many), most people thought their cats were Tories or lawless libertarians. My assumption that all dogs vote Labour or, at a pinch, Lib Dem, was shaken by two people who identified theirs as likely Reform voters (research admittedly has shown “greater conservatism predicts less liking for cats and a greater preference for dogs” in humans). My friend Tom conducted a full “Mondeo man” analysis on his dachshund, including the likely smell of the candidates, the impact of Brexit on continental meat and cheese imports and canine attitudes to the botched Covid lockdown (“people stayed home longer; that situation was very pro-dog”). A rodent specialist claimed confidently: “All guinea pigs are Lib Dems and rats are Greens, of course.”
Things would have been much simpler for French pets in the European elections: I spotted an “Animaliste” party standing, which would have absolutely cleaned up.
• Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist
