Bard Billot on the contents of the Act leader's bulging box of half-baked candidates
Captain Sensible
Toad of Seymour changes into his superhero uniform.
He pulls on his cape and magenta underpants.
Captain Sensible is here to save the day!
He swoops on some red tape and cuts it up
With a giant pair of deregulating scissors.
He crumples up some co-governance with his bare hands
And tosses it into a strictly monolingual rubbish bin.
He accelerates an elephant-sized magenta monster truck
Down a seventeen lane motorway in a black cloud of emissions.
He snatches some taxpayer owned weetbix
Back from an entitled youthful bottom feeder.
The middle of the road crowd applaud and whistle
At the common sense of Captain Sensible.
But the Captain is standing on a large magenta box.
There is a bumping and a muffled cacophony
As the gift wrapped box begins to bulge at the seams.
From within the box comes the sound
Of terrifying ranting and raving. The crowd grows restless.
“What’s in the box, Captain Sensible?”
Shouts a troublemaking state subsidised media hack.
“Just a few of my candidates,” assures the Captain nonchalantly
As he stamps down on the lid.
The bumping and crazed quacking and moaning
Coming from the box grow louder yet.
“Can we see some of them?”
Demands the troublemaking state subsidised media hack.
“Certainly,” says Captain Sensible,
Keeping a firm grasp on the lid of his bouncing magenta box
Of mainstream, unthreatening, common sense candidates.
“Maybe after the election.”
Victor Billot has previously felt moved to write Odes for such luminaries as Nicola Willis, Michael Wood, Chris Hipkins, and Christopher Luxon.
