A good relationship is all about equal give and take. Both partners should care for each other, make an effort, and accept help from the other person. The moment things become one-sided, it can damage the couple’s bond and make one partner feel like they are doing too much.
This is what happened to a person whose date refused to get them a glass of water. The guy’s reasoning was that doing so would be very submissive. This obviously didn’t go down well with the poster, who wondered whether to continue the relationship ahead.
More info: Reddit
When a person lets their ego stand in the way of helping or looking after their loved one, it can begin to cause problems in the relationship
Image credits: Matheus Bertelli / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The poster went with their date to his friend’s holiday party, brought wine to serve, helped people out by getting their drinks, and tried being as helpful as possible
Image credits: cottonbro studio / Pexels (not the actual photo)
During the party, the poster asked their date to get them a glass of water, but the man refused, stating that he had just sat down
Image credits: Dương Nhân / Pexels (not the actual photo)
The author left the party midway because they felt bad at their date’s refusal to get them a glass of water, and later, when the couple discussed it, the guy became defensive
Image credits: Important-Pianist783
The man explained that getting a glass of water for his date felt “subservient” and that he’d only do it for someone who earned it by “being in the trenches with him”
The OP had gone out of their way to connect with their partner’s friends right from the beginning. From making mulled wine to serving people drinks and helping out at their party, it seems like acts of service are part of their love language and something that they value a lot from other people as well.
The idea behind love languages is that they can tell us how a person likes to give and receive love. Every person likes to get and give affection in different ways, and understanding what that means for your partner can help you show up in a better way for them. Unfortunately, even though the man knew his date valued small gestures, he still didn’t want to get them a glass of water.
To understand why someone would think in such a way, Bored Panda contacted Dr. Jodi Aman. She is a psychotherapist who shares trauma-informed mental health and relationship advice with educators, counselors, parents, and teens.
Dr. Jodi explained that the “man must have had some belief that if he did it once, the woman would start to control him. Someone in his past may have controlled him, or he may have seen this model in a way that led him to believe if he did it once, it would continue or go downhill from there.”
“If he held this belief, he might have mistakenly seen this request as a threat to himself and not only refused but got angry and gaslighted her about making it,” she added. Though the man acted in this way, he couldn’t believe the OP had decided to leave his friend’s party early. In fact, he felt hurt that his date was leaving, but he didn’t recognize the pain he had caused through his actions.
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The OP tried to bring up the issue with their date later on because it was still a topic of contention between them. The man then explained that he felt getting water for someone was subservient and that he would only do it if the other person had earned it. The way of viewing this simple gesture was very different for both people.
One felt that it was a loving act of service, and the other saw it as a form of submissiveness. Sometimes in relationships, one partner might feel the need to be the dominant one and may not want to give away their power or control. This need often stems from insecurity and might come out in unconscious ways.
Right now, the guy might refuse to get a glass of water for his date, but this type of behavior can also take more sinister forms. That’s why we asked Dr. Jodi what someone could do if they were in a relationship with a dominating person who refused to be kind or helpful.
She advised that one should “get out of it. If it is at the beginning, don’t get into it. If you are into it, build a community outside it because you will need that for confidence and support when you decide to leave finally.”
Although it might be a very small issue to fight over, the OP’s questioning of the behavior helped them see their date in a new light. Hopefully, they also realized that they deserve much better in a relationship.
What would you do in a situation like this, or has anyone ever done this to you? Let us know in the comments below.
Folks felt that the poster wasn’t overreacting and urged them to dump the man
