The discovery this week of a new Canberra-specific drug similar to ketamine and dubbed “CanKet” caused quite a stir in Australia’s policing and healthcare communities.
CanKet’s arrival has raised a lot of questions. Why Canberra? Does every Australian region have its own local intoxicant? What are these illegal drugs called, how do they work and who’s taking them?
Crikey satirist Tom Red tapped a few underworld connections to compile this coast-to-coast pharmacopeia.
Gold Coast
Name: Ex-tacky
Effects: Increased confidence, heightened risk of jazz hands, skinny-dipping and sand rash.
Users: Unsuccessful reality TV show contestants, public school vice captains and shady tradies from Beaudesert.
Far-north Queensland
Name: BobKattermine
Effects: Confusion, inappropriate giggling, emotional outbursts, fear of crocodiles.
Users: Self-funded retirees, camel herders and caravan park operators.
Adelaide
Name: Festivalium
Effects: Prolonged periods of tedium and lethargy followed by an intense two-week rush of culturally uplifting activity. Rinse and repeat.
Users: Serial killers and stand-up comedians on their way back from Perth.
Byron Bay
Name: Yogacaine
Effects: Smugness, self-delusion, dislocated chakras, third eye-strain and a strengthened core.
Users: Lapsed wellness whisperers, private school vice captains and anyone who’s met one of the better Hemsworths.
Melbourne
Name: WAG Swag
Effects: Chronic sinusitis, predisposition to fascinators, Kmart homewares endorsement deals and a televised stint in rehab.
Users: Everyone at the Cup, including the horses.
Sydney
Name: Bondistamine
Effects: Anxiety, haughtiness, great abs and complete surrender to the spiritual void.
Users: Real estate agents, investment advisors, colonic irrigators and soon-to-be defrocked clergy.
Hobart
Name: MonaDrone
Effect: Lowered inhibitions, slurred speech, intense irrational feelings about post-modernism and increased facial hair (mainly on men).
Users: Urban lumber jacks, preppers, cartoonists and witches.
Darwin
Name: Alice Pingers
Effect: None. It’s a placebo.
Users: Canberra public servants on career building secondments.
