Desperate Ally McCoist has issued a hilarious public appeal in his search for Europa League Final tickets.
The Ibrox legend admitted he's angry at the 9500 allocation handed to Rangers fans as supporters scramble to be at the historic Seville showdown with Eintracht Frankfurt.
But he conceded he can't let his fury get in the way of trying to secure gold dust briefs for the clash at the 43,000 capacity Roman Sanchez-Pizjuan Stadium on May 18.
McCoist revealed he's been contacting strangers at UEFA and offering to cook breakfast and clean their houses in exchange for tickets.
But his quest has proven fruitless so far.
"I was actually emailing people at UEFA I’d never met before," he said on talkSPORT. "I was prostituting myself around Europe and UEFA. Anything they wanted off me - I'd cook them breakfast, I'd do their ironing.
"I've not heard back from anybody at UEFA. You think I'm joking, I've tried EVERYBODY.
"I've never known anything like it and I'm actually quite angry about it, but I'm not going to get angry at nine minutes past six.
"How can UEFA possibly have a European final with only 40,000 people there and give just over 9000 tickets to the fans of both clubs?
"Before I start slaughtering them, the rest are the people I'm trying to get tickets off! That's why I'm going easy on them at this moment in time.
"But if I don't get any, wait until you hear me the following morning.
"Just over 9000 tickets and they reckon (Rangers) will be taking at least 80,000."
McCoist was then given the chance to deliver a 20 second message to sum up his plight.
He said: "Any listeners out there in the 6am club - and the 6am listeners are without doubt my favourite club on the planet, always have been, always will be - if there's any tickets out there for Seville, I'm your man.
"I will make you breakfast, I will do your ironing, I will do your washing up, I will tidy your house, all of the above. That's how bad it is."
Record Sport revealed earlier this week that Spanish authorities could open up Estadio La Cartuja, the venue at which Celtic lost the 2003 UEFA Cup Final to Porto, in order to accommodate the huge numbers expected in the city next week.
City leaders are concerned by reports as many as 100,000 Rangers fans could be joined by 60,000 Frankfurt supporters with only a fraction actually having tickets to the game.
And McCoist joked that opening the city's other stadium presents an opportunity to implement a rather unusual solution.
He said: "I was informed this morning they're going to have to open the other stadium in Seville for the fans to go in and watch the game, they're going to put big screens up, I think.
"If that's the case, I think UEFA should order two games - the teams should finish in Seville then just march over the road to the Real Betis stadium.
"Well, second-half, because you're asking too much to play two games."
