Jingle my balls, it’s Gay Christmas — otherwise known as Mardi Gras, a time of love, acceptance, and SKIN.
By my calculations, gays get three Christmasses — Mardi Gras, Halloween and JC’s actual birthday. We’re so spoiled and I can’t get enough of it. Gather round and huddle in for an exposé on the gays.
I’ve been called on to do my civil service and depict the classic stereotypes of every gay guy you’ll come across at any Mardi Gras event. Think of it as a guide, or like the Mean Girls map of the cafeteria, imagine I’m mapping out the beergarden at a sunny Bero Sundays’ (that’s the Beresford in Sydney for you straights) where the beer garden is painfully overpacked, and the gays aren’t mingling.
This isn’t about gay tribes (like twinks, bears, otters – again, for you straights) I’m talking about the type of people you will have the (mis)fortune of meeting. Who they are, what they’re about, and WTF is going on. Please read this with an open mind and take it all with a pinch of cum. I may not look it, but being 30 is basically being dead in gay years. So here we go, ready to read the girls to filth and hopefully I leave this article unscathed and still fuckable… If only people took jokes like they took 8 inches.
So without further ado, let’s get into this booty hole.
The Dump
Famously known to illustrate their body count with tally strikes on their back. Gooning in the gardens, drunk on dick and creeping out their next victim. This one won’t be happy or satisfied until it’s guzzling out of their nostrils and a new PB has been achieved. It’s a lot. Alas, each to their own, but don’t come crying to me when you have the inevitable cummyache (girls, wild assumption of mine, but I can only presume cummyache is what the day before your period feels like. No?).
The Outfit Queen
Never disappoints, always turns up and always looks fab. Leaving a trail of glitter in their wake and shimmering like a disco ball (I need to know what setting spray they use). If you come across this person, buy them a shot and snap your pic. They’re a good time. PSA: do not touch, grab or grope this person you heteros!
The Insta-gay
Proud to be referred to as a ‘Sydney gay’. These guys are, most-likely, lame AF (though there can be exceptions). Easy on the eyes but with 0 personality and once he opens his mouth it’s just disappointment and hot breath. You probably recognise him from some corny and cringey video on the internet boasting about a big dick you already know he hasn’t got (thank you LPSG). To the social media fans, they say don’t meet your idols – introduce yourself and you’ll quickly understand why.
The Content Creator Who Is Not A Content Creator
Desperate to be referred to as a ‘Sydney Gay’. Similar vibe, and equally as sad as the Insta-gay, but this guy has no following. Clutched to his camera and snapping shots of every single thing in sight. Not a single float or insta-gay un-papped.. I’m so confused who he is posting for and with what purpose, and sad for them to experience life through the lens. They’ll be too busy tagging people they don’t really know in a desperate attempt to get follows and social shares. Do not like and subscribe.
The Kick On Queen
You’ve seen this person at EVERY single event, and that’s just the ones you’ve attended. It’s pretty iconic really. You don’t know whether to celebrate or be concerned about this one. You’re left wondering, when did they last sleep? And have they drank any water? They haven’t and no is your answer.
The Daddy
Ah, Daddy. This fabulous little fossil is either tired and ready to go home, OR the biggest raver you’ve ever come across. I’m a little worried about this man, but I know in his years he’s been in worse situations and faced bigger parties. This could be his last party, maybe even his last breath. He’s partying like he has something to prove and rising to the challenge.
The Juice Heads
Most likely wearing black shorts and nothing else, maybe a harness. Nobody has tits like that, not even Maxxi Shields. I’m here for an STI, not body dysmorphia. Go back to Barcelona Circuit and stay there! I will see you in Bathelona.
The First Timer
I’m going to encourage this person to get fingered in the street and loaded up in some club toilets. Wide eyed, bushy tailed and tightly holed. This guy’s in for a treat and is looking like a kid in the candy store . He’s either going to leave a total slut or mentally scarred. Protect this one at all costs, they’re in for a hell of a ride.
The Guy Who Is The Last Resort
Now look, you’ve not completely discounted this man. When in dark times and desperate need, craving to cum in the lonely hour, you occasionally get naked with this guy. Make no mistake, this does not by any means give this man the right to approach you in public. We’ve all got them, even the heteros. It’s the ‘WYD’, ‘You Up?’ ‘Fire Emoji, Fire Emoji, Fire Emoji’ person. Know your place Mr Last Resort and get comfortable with it. You’re going nowhere else.
The Non-City Sydney Gay
They’ve travelled in from somewhere that isn’t ‘the bubble’, maybe somewhere out West. This person could be at any event and they’re not even sure what event they are at themselves. They wanted to get involved and bought any random ticket from the Mardi Gras website. Their outfit’s probably not serving, either.
The Straight Man
Glad to see you here but are you ready to fk me yet?? I joke… unless you want to. The pass we give straight men is one to be studied, but I digress. We love an ally. You’re all welcome here.
The Guy You Speak To Online But Are Yet To Hook-up With
I hate this guy. I hate him alot. I hate how at the drop of an Insta story I’m dropping blow vids in his DMs and doing things I instantly regret post-nut. Another topic to study is post nut clarity but anyway, until next horny time, good sir.
There are SO many more I have not covered (but the last person has got me a bit hot and bothered, so unlike most of you, I must wrap this up). Unmentioned types are NPC’s, totally superfluous and filler, but you’ll be able to spot them… The ‘First Mardi Gras Together’ Couple whos Gras will inevitably conclude in an orgy; The Interstate Gays who just couldn’t stay away and have money to burn; The International Gays who I hope aren’t disappointed; The Drunk Stranger who seems to be everywhere; Fans and Females to air kiss the fuck out off and woo me like a popstar; The Dolls (you can’t read the dolls), The Hags (we salute you), The Next Hook Up because he’s probably here; The Closed Couple You Know Are Cheating (and are probably not stood together); and The Hung Guy who’s dick you’ve never seen but you’ve heard the stories.
That’s it for now – I hope this guide helps you identify who you want to spend this magical time with, and who you want to avoid like the police. Apologies if you started reading this thinking you were an Insta-gay but discovered you’re Mr Last Resort. I don’t make the rules, nor do I abide by them.
Realistically, what do I know? I’m just a bottom after all, a mere hole. One thing I do know with certainty, is that Mardi Gras is all about love, acceptance, equality, and having a bloody good time. Don’t yuck nobody’s yams – don’t laugh or take pics of the guy in a pup mask (as tempting as it might be, just don’t do it), do not touch the drag queens and respect the space you’re in, with the people that you’re with at all times. ReSpOnSiBlY.
All of which contribute and create to what is the most bare, and as showcased, inclusive event of the year – MARDI GRAS. With that being said, put your litter in the bin, stay vigilant and stay sexy.
I’ll see you on Oxford Street to throw a fistful of biodegradable glitter in the air! Happy Mardi Gras, you’re all gorgeous. Go forth and be fabulous. It’s your goddamn right!
Jack Jones, globally renowned demon twink, lives in Sydney, drinks iced oat vanilla lattes and only leaves the bubble for the beach.
This story is part of our Mardi Gras digital issue, celebrating the LGBTQIA+ culture makers and game changers. Read more here.
The post All The Characters You’ll Run Into This Mardi Gras: A Very Serious Guide appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .
