People have varying definitions of what being a family is. While some would move mountains for a relative in need, others would go the opposite route and abandon the person in dire straits.
This story focuses on the latter. A woman struggling with her finances lived with her brother and his wife. The couple then decided to kick her out to accommodate the birth of their child.
The tables recently turned, urging the family to come to the woman for help. However, the emotional wounds brought on by her eviction experience made her hesitant to take her brother in.
After some gaslighting from her parents, the author is now torn between serving “karmic justice” and helping a family member. Scroll down for the whole story.
A woman refuses to take in her brother and his family after they evicted her from their home years ago
Image credits: RDNE Stock project / Pexels (not the actual photo)
“AITA for refusing to let my brother’s family move in after he evicted me years ago?”
“Several years ago, I (28F) was living with my older brother “Tom” (37M) and his wife “Karen” (34F). I had just graduated from college, had a pretty bad job at the time, and was struggling to make ends meet. Tom had a house with a guest room, and he told me I could stay with them for a while until I got back on my feet. I was beyond grateful, and I made sure to help out however I could — cooking, cleaning, buying groceries when I could afford it.
Fast forward about six months. I finally landed a decent job and was able to contribute more financially. I was on my way to becoming independent. Around this time, Karen got pregnant.
At first, everything seemed fine, but then Karen started dropping subtle hints that they needed more space for the baby. The hints soon turned into direct conversations about how they needed the guest room for a nursery. Tom assured me that I could stay until I found a new place, but Karen was clearly becoming more agitated by the day.
Then, one afternoon, I came home from work to find all my stuff packed up and sitting in the hallway. Tom told me that Karen had decided they needed me out ASAP. No discussion, no warning. He tried to soften the blow by saying they’d help me with a security deposit on a new place, but it was humiliating and hurtful.
I ended up couch surfing for a couple of months until I could afford a small studio apartment. It was a really tough time for me, both emotionally and financially. I’ll never forget the feeling of being thrown out of my own brother’s house like that.
Image credits: Ivan Samkov / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Fast forward to now. Tom’s life has taken a turn. His business went under, and they’re having financial issues. Last week, he called me out of the blue, sounding desperate. They’re being evicted from their house and have nowhere to go. He asked if he, Karen, and their two kids could stay with me for “a few months” while they get back on their feet.
Here’s the thing: I’m doing much better now. I have a good job, a nice apartment, and I’ve been saving for a house. I can technically accommodate them, but the thought of letting them move in after what they did to me years ago just doesn’t sit right.
I told Tom I needed to think about it, and ever since, he’s been sending me guilt-trippy texts about how “family is supposed to be there for each other” and how they have nowhere else to go. Even my parents have gotten involved, saying I should let them stay with me because “they’re family” and “what happened years ago is in the past.”
But here’s the kicker: Karen hasn’t apologized once for how they treated me. Not a word. She didn’t even acknowledge it when we spoke on the phone. It’s like they expect me to just forget about it and welcome them with open arms. I’m torn. Part of me feels like I should help because they are my family, but the other part of me feels like this is karmic justice.
AITA for refusing to let them stay with me after what they did? Or should I let the past go and help them out in their time of need?”
Credits: peachygurl18
Image credits: Anna Shvets / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Betrayal trauma can have long-lasting effects
The author likely felt betrayed and abandoned by her own brother, and she admitted to carrying the pain and being unable to let it go. She may also be experiencing betrayal trauma.
Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd first coined the term in 1991, defining it as a violation of trust committed by someone you depend on for survival. Betrayal trauma comes in various forms, including familial betrayal.
Betrayal trauma carries a heavier burden compared to post-traumatic stress because it involves someone close to you. In an interview with Mind Body Green, licensed therapist Jessica Conquest, LMFT, likened it to getting robbed on a subway and then finding out a partner set you up for an insurance payout. Such pain may linger for years.
A person suffering from betrayal trauma may show specific signs. According to MindWell Psychology NYC, these may include flashbacks and avoidance behaviors, as well as a lack of trust toward other people and low self-esteem.
The author seems to have experienced all of the above. She went through emotional struggles as she tried to shake off the feeling of being abandoned by a close family member.
Her avoidance and lack of trust were displayed when she refused to take her brother in during his time of need.
Image credits: SHVETS production / Pexels (not the actual photo)
Sharing one’s experiences may help alleviate the burden of betrayal trauma
People deal with traumatic experiences differently. Some may seek professional help through different forms of therapy.
In any case, knowing you’re struggling is step one in the right direction.
“Recovery implies awareness,” Conquest says, adding that cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) are specifically designed to help patients deal with their traumatic struggles.
Meanwhile, trauma psychologist Dr. Remi Coker suggests seeking help from others around.
“Sometimes turning to others for support can show us that we aren’t alone, and that can be enough to find a way to change one’s situation,” Dr. Coker told Mind Body Green.
Conquest agrees that therapy may not be a viable option for many, and seeking solace from others may be an excellent first step.
This seems to have been the author’s course of action. In her post, she admitted that she was seeking an outside perspective, even if it came from people she didn’t know personally.
However, she seems more inclined to stick to her guns and refuse to take in her brother’s family. If she indeed suffered from betrayal trauma, it may take a while before her wounds could completely heal.
What’s your opinion, dear readers? Was the woman’s decision justified? Or should she just take the high road?
The author provided more information, but many commenters sided with her
Those who did explained their reasons
However, some thought she may have been ungrateful toward her brother and his wife
