The wedding day is one of the most important days in people’s lives. So it’s no surprise that they want everything to go smoothly; hence the months of preparation, arrangements, and worrying.
For this bride-to-be, one of the main wedding-related worries was the guestlist; and whether or not her cousin should be on it. Opening up to the ‘AITAH’ community, she shared that her disabled cousin consistently crosses physical boundaries, which makes her uncomfortable, and she doesn’t want to be on edge during her big day. Her family, however, believed that not inviting him would be unfair and cruel.
Scroll down to find the full story below, where you will also find Bored Panda’s interview with Associate Professor at the Department of Education & Child Study at Smith College, sociologist of education and disability, Dr. Rachel Fish, who was kind enough to answer a few of our questions.
Most couples want their wedding day to be perfect
Image credits: freepic.diller / Freepik (not the actual photo)
This bride-to-be was worried that having her disabled cousin at her wedding would keep her on edge
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: freepik / Freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: JumpyThrowRA
Image credits: Polesie Toys / Pexels (not the actual photo)
“People with intellectual disabilities are so often segregated and excluded from peers and community,” expert says
With approximately 317 million children and adolescents with health conditions that contribute to developmental disabilities globally, not to mention the number of adults living with such a disability, it’s safe to assume that the OP’s family is not the only one having to navigate situations similar to the one the redditor found herself in.
But according to Dr. Rachel Fish, whether or not to invite the cousin to the wedding shouldn’t even be a question. “This scenario presents a woman planning a wedding, an event that brings together two people’s families and communities. The cousin is part of her family, and part of her community, full stop,” she told Bored Panda in a recent interview.
“Because people with intellectual disabilities are so often segregated and excluded from peers and community, they often experience a limited social sphere that primarily includes obligated people – immediate family, who may be in caregiving roles, and professionals providing support. Truly including the cousin is one way to break these patterns, so he has access to the same full community that non-disabled folks have,” the expert noted.
According to Dr. Fish, ableism in our society centers the experiences of non-disabled people over the experiences of disabled people. “Rather than considering the cousin a ‘burden’ or someone to ‘bear’ or ‘manage’, we need to see the disabled person as a whole human, and consider his experiences. How can we create access and inclusion for disabled people, rather than focusing solely on how to reduce discomfort that non-disabled people have because of their own ableism?”
The bride should consider her cousin’s needs the same way she considers the needs of other guests
The expert suggested that the OP can set herself and her cousin up for success by considering her cousin’s needs—just as she is considering other guests’ needs—and creating an inclusive and accessible wedding. “She could talk with him and any folks that support him to ask about aspects of the wedding that could help set him at ease (for example, food options, having a program written at an accessible reading level, seating him with folks he knows).
“She or any caregivers or support folks can spend time with the cousin preparing for the wedding by practicing and preparing for social interactions,” Dr. Fish continued. “One great resource that comes to mind for this is Social Stories (these can be just text, but having photos really helps, too) that break down each piece of a social interaction and build understanding of others’ perspectives (for instance, ‘When I see the bride, I can give her a short hug and say ‘Congratulations!’ Then I should take a step back to give her some space. This will help her feel comfortable. I might want to stand closer to her, but standing too close can make people feel upset.’) There are a ton of examples of social stories online, and they can be made very easily for particular situations.”
For people with intellectual and developmental disabilities, also known as IDDs, it might be difficult to draw the line between behavior that is considered “appropriate” and overstepping someone’s boundaries. However, as the expert suggested, it’s important to take time and work through certain situations for the well-being of both the person themselves, as well as their loved ones.
Image credits: Antoni Shkraba / Pexels (not the actual photo)
It’s important that people with developmental disabilities understand boundaries for the sake of both themselves and those around them
According to Community Mainstreaming (CMA), an organization that provides personalized services to help maximize the independence of people with intellectual and developmental disabilities in their homes and communities, it’s critical to teach them about social boundaries. The organization notes that lack of awareness regarding said boundaries can negatively impact their social skills, which in turn might lead to a decreased level of self esteem, social withdrawal, and feelings of alienation.
CMA suggests that role playing or acting out common scenarios and conversations can be a great way to introduce social boundaries to someone with an IDD. (Nowadays, there is even a game dedicated to exactly that.) The organization also emphasizes that when talking on the topic, it’s imperative to discuss boundaries regarding touching, pointing out that touching another person differs depending on who the person is. “For example, the way you would touch your best friend may be different than the way you would physically engage with a stranger,” CMA notes.
According to the organization, it’s important to emphasize that physical contact is only appropriate when both of the involved people choose to be touched. Making sure your loved one with an IDD knows that can not only help avoid certain unwanted situations, but also help ensure that they are aware of what is considered inappropriate when someone else approaches them, and that they can inform a trusted adult if they feel that something is wrong.
CMA notes that by teaching social and sexual boundaries to loved ones with IDD, people can help them be safe, healthy and respectful to others. Yet unfortunately, the OP didn’t feel safe around her cousin; and the last thing she wanted was to feel on edge during her big day. The majority of fellow netizens didn’t think that that made her a jerk, though some weren’t so sure.
The OP shared some more details in the comments
Many netizens didn’t think the bride-to-be was a jerk in the situation
Some people believed that everyone was to blame here, at least to some extent
