GOD SAVE THE MEAD
The Fiver has a simple morning routine: wake up, lament continued existence, look at the day’s football fixtures to see how we’ll pass the next 12 hours. On doing so this morning, we saw something confusimg. Nestled among Fraserburgh v Montrose in the Scottish League Cup and Drita v Inter Turku in the Europa Conference League qualifying round were two other fixtures: Denmark v Finland and Germany v Spain in a thing called Euro 2022.
They’re going ahead with the rest of the tournament, are they? We assumed the other 15 teams had conceded after England’s eye-dropping, jaw-widening 8-0 win over Norway last night. Yep, less than a week into the tournament, the Fiver has reached peak giddiness. To hell with humility and Kipling’s impostors, our noggin has completely, unashamedly gone. We’ve changed our name to the Eighter, we Morris danced our way into Eighter Towers this morning wearing a St George onesie and singing God Save the Mead, and we’re currently trying to track down Bjørge Lillelien’s extended family so that we can deliver our ‘Your girls took one hell of a beating’ speech.
Seriously, though, what the tangible feckadoodery was that? England smashed their own record for the biggest win in European Championship history, and were 6-0 up at half-time. Beth Mead, whose list of England goals will soon be added to the maths curriculum to improve arithmetic in schools, scored a hat-trick to take her record under Sarina Wiegman to 18 in 15 games, while Ellen White cheerily put in her two goal’orth.
“To be honest I thought: ‘What’s going on?’” said Wiegman, screaming from the top of her lungs to reinforce the point. “You go through the match, you make your plan, you talk to players, and you expect a very competitive match because Norway [have] a good squad and their frontline is really good. We just kept them away from our goal and played the game, and that was really nice to see.”
As happy as she was, Wiegman was among the 0.001% of the Lioness-centric population not getting at least a little bit carried away. “We try to play our best game and today we did, but it’s just three points. If you win 1-0 or 8-0 it doesn’t make a difference. We haven’t won anything yet.”
That’s a big fat lie, Sarina: England already won the group, so have the option of resting players against Northern Ireland on Friday. Then, a week tomorrow, it’s the quarter-final, probably against Germany or Spain. The tournament concludes with the final at Wembley on 31 July. And if football really does come home, the Fiver will take a short celebratory break before returning to your inbox some time in August 2027.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Daniel Harris from 5pm BST for MBM coverage of Denmark 2-1 Finland at Euro 2022, before Rob Smyth is on deck for Germany 3-2 Spain.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I don’t think we feared anyone coming in. There’s a lovely quote that I like and it’s: ‘Nobody wins afraid of losing’” – not satisfied with showing her indie disco credentials by blasting out Pulp’s Common People as she entered the dressing room yesterday, England captain Leah Williamson shows her alt-country chops with a post-match Chris Stapleton reference.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The latest edition of Football Weekly is right … here!
And the latest edition of Women’s Football Weekly is right … here!
FIVER LETTERS
“I couldn’t help but perk up when I read the name ‘Derren Brown’ at the top of yesterday’s Fiver. I went and saw him in sunny Woking the other week, so maybe he planted some kind of subconscious trigger in my mind, causing me to involuntarily perk up every time I read his name. Saying that, I also perked up when I read about Kylie and Jason today, so maybe it’s just a day for perking up? Or maybe my default state is perked down, so I spend quite a lot of time perking back up. Perking aside, I got nothing else to add. Since I saw Derren, all I can talk about is perking. Sorry to not have anything intelligent to say about football, but this is the Fiver after all” – Sholem Lenkiewicz.
Valour FC captain Daryl Fordyce [yesterday’s quote of the day] thinks we all have good days and bad days? Clearly he’s not a Fiver reader” – Edward Dean.
“May I be the first of 1,056 etc etc to point out that the highest number on a roulette wheel is usually 36. Is the Fiver perhaps a member of an exclusive establishment where Blackjack is played to 31 and Baccarat is played to 19?” Ben Mimmack (and 1,056 others)
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Sholem Lenkiewicz.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Gareth Bale was already talking about going on beyond Euro 2024 as he was unveiled by LAFC. “I want to make my mark on this league and I think by being here it gives me the best chance of going to the Euros and you never know maybe one more,” he whooped.
Chelsea are in talks over signing Napoli’s Kalidou Koulibaly to fix defensive crisis. And Nani has only gone and flamin’ signed for A-League outfit Melbourne Victory.
Paul Pogba has sealed his return to Juventus on a four-year deal. “He left as a boy and returned as a man and a champion,” emoted a Juve PR suit’s statement over some mawkish background music, “But there is one thing that has not changed – the desire to write unforgettable pages of unforgettable club together once more. Pogba is back and we couldn’t be happier.”
Newcastle are to install rail seating at St James’ Park in anticipation of safe standing being introduced. “We look forward to working with our supporters to identify an area for fans who may wish to stand in future,” cheered Newcastle’s safety and security head honcho Dave Gregory.
STILL WANT MORE?
Giddy, delirious, astonished: Jonathan Liew says we all feel a little concussed by England’s stunning destruction of Norway.
“Absolutely unplayable” Beth Mead was so good against Norway she drew a perfect 10 player rating from the normally unflappable Peter Lansley.
Could smart-spending Spurs finally lose the nearly men tag? Ben McAleer runs the rule over Antonio Conte’s remodelled squad.
Big Todd Boehly is waving his wallet around and in the mood for transfer revenge, reports the Rumour Mill.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
