My boyfriend and I are in our mid/late thirties and have been together 10 years. We bought a house together a few years ago and both have good jobs. We love each other deeply, although we’re not always great at communicating (I talk too much, he too little). We’ve talked vaguely about having children over the years, and always agreed it was something we wanted in the future. For the past few years I’ve wanted children more and have brought it up more often. A year ago I said I wanted to start trying but he continued to shut down the conversations and say now wasn’t the time.
After much arm twisting, he’s now said he doesn’t want children, as he finds the state of the world too depressing. I’m at a loss about what to do. I feel like he’s broken our agreement; I thought I was just waiting for him to catch up with my headspace but now he’s changed the whole plan. I understand his point, but I am more optimistic and think life is what you make it. I desperately want a child and feel like it’s all I think about. On the other hand, I don’t want a life without him. I don’t know how to have a conversation with him without it seeming like I’m trying to force him to change his mind and do something he now doesn’t want to do (something he has accused me of doing in arguments in the past).
Please can you offer some advice. I don’t want to nag him and he doesn’t seem to understand what a big deal this is for me. Obviously because of my age the issue of fertility is also a shadow looming over everything.
I wonder if what you really want is some advice on how to convince your boyfriend. And I can’t do that, though I do feel for both of you. You’re both entitled to your valid points of view, but they are pretty polarised.
A phrase in your letter that stuck out for UKCP psychotherapist John Cavanagh was “after much arm twisting”. Cavanagh wondered what your relationship pattern was around decision making? “Historically, has your boyfriend felt perhaps he needed to take a fixed position earlier than he’s really wanted to in order to get the conversation to stop.” This is further borne out by you saying that in the past your boyfriend has felt you’re trying to “force him to change his mind and get him to do something he doesn’t want to”. Conducive conversations, where some vulnerability can be shown, don’t happen with such strong-arm tactics.
Your dilemma is one that Cavanagh says he is seeing more often in the consulting room, and the “state of the world” often comes up as a reason for not wanting children. Your boyfriend probably does understand what a big deal it is for you but if it’s not something he wants to do, it’s a big deal for him, too. I wonder if only you see only your “big deal” as valid?
One question to ask yourself, Cavanagh suggested, is: “Could you have a meaningful relationship if you aren’t parents or would there be conflict or signs of resentment?” I wonder if not having a child, if that’s the path you go down, would become the entire focus of everything that goes wrong with the relationship and, worse, if you do have one without your partner being 100% on board, would the child hold all that focus.
We’ve been conditioned to think that you only leave relationships if they are obviously not working, but if you both want radically different things, that is a form of not working, because you’re not moving forwards together. Please consider a couple of sessions of therapy, especially given your history of not communicating well. You may both be able to say and hear things, from each other and yourselves, that you hitherto have not. Cavanagh also wondered if your boyfriend “feels he can’t protect a child in a world that’s so uncertain, and one in which he maybe doesn’t feel protected himself. He may therefore feel that if he can’t be the sort of father he wants to be (or thought he would be) he won’t do it at all.”
I can’t berate your boyfriend for having these thoughts, but how you feel is valid too. You can’t give up on this relationship until you’ve had a proper, from-all-angles conversation. This isn’t a lighthearted subject so you don’t have to pretend it is.
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