When Laura, 34, was growing up in a genteel neighbourhood in Edinburgh, her parents taught her that the worst thing a person could do was make a show of themselves. “By that, they meant wearing bright colours, laughing or talking loudly; doing anything at all to attract attention.”
Although she deplored their attitude, Laura finds she has inherited their mindset. “The other Sunday, I had to have a difficult conversation with a neighbour about their incessantly barking dog. They ended up shouting at me and I wanted the earth to swallow me up. There were other people around and I’m sure they were all wondering what I had done to create this scene. I can’t stop replaying it in my mind.”
It can be a challenge to feel comfortable taking up space in the world. Anxiety about saying or doing the wrong thing can prevent us from saying anything at all, let alone feeling relaxed and confident. No one wants to be mocked for being “extra”, but is there a happy medium?
Therapists have a name for this fear of exposure: self-focused attention. “It’s a very common symptom of social phobia and anxiety,” says Mita Mistry, a mindfulness-based cognitive therapist. “It’s when an individual believes everyone is looking at them and judging them negatively. Typically, they will do a postmortem after an interaction or event, magnifying every last detail.
“If this sounds familiar, my advice would be to remember that most people are so preoccupied with their own problems that they’re not even going to notice what you’re worrying about. Most people are too busy looking at their phones anyway.”
Mistry advises people to become more aware of their thoughts when they start to worry about how they are perceived. “A Harvard study found that our brains are on autopilot 46.9% of the time. Basically, that means your mind is wandering unconsciously on to things other than what you are doing. It’s this mode that needs to be kept in check for people who struggle with lack of confidence.”
Common mental scripts Mistry hears include “I’m going to look ridiculous”, “people are going to be talking about me” and “no one is going to like me”. “As soon as you notice those thoughts popping up, you can reframe the narrative and turn it into a positive,” she says. “For example, ‘what if they don’t like me?’ can be reframed as ‘what if I make some amazing new friends tonight?’ Or ‘what if I bump into someone I haven’t seen for ages?’”
For some people, extreme discomfort with taking up space can affect multiple areas of their life. James Bore, 41, a cybersecurity consultant, has always struggled with timidity. “I can’t remember a time when I found it easy to introduce myself to other people; I find it incredibly difficult,” he says. “With romance and dating, I was a late bloomer, but luckily I met my wife of seven years online. It takes a huge effort for me to start a conversation or to talk to someone at all. I feel extremely awkward, uncomfortable and embarrassed. I get all these intrusive thoughts like: oh, they don’t really want to talk to me.”
Since childhood, Bore has been teased about his surname. “When I even think about approaching someone I don’t know, I get the feeling that I’m an intruder in the space. I feel like no one wants to waste time engaging with me. I know objectively that isn’t true, but I can’t help it.” However, he has learned to head off the “bore” wisecracks by making a joke about it himself. “I’ve even used it in my company motto: ‘If your security isn’t boring, you’re doing it wrong’.”
Bore has found an unlikely remedy for his social awkwardness in public speaking. “It sounds paradoxical, but if I’m booked to give a talk, first I’m playing a role and second I feel I have full permission to be there, because people are choosing to listen to me. As a bonus, I’m the speaker, so I don’t need to introduce myself. Instead, after the talk, they usually approach me.”
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Feeling comfortable enough to make yourself seen and heard in the workplace can be particularly difficult, given that it could affect your livelihood if things go wrong. “Hybrid working and the range of different platform options has made life even harder for people who struggle to speak up,” says Jo Perkins, a chartered counselling and coaching psychologist. The main reason for this, she believes, is that we often move between online meetings without a break. “If you’re having a chatty brainstorm with colleagues one minute, then have to go one-to-one with the boss, you need a reset between the two – and, for the latter, a minute to rehearse and perhaps comb your hair.”
When it comes to speaking up at work, Perkins believes preparation is vital. “Don’t wing it. If you’re going into a high-stakes scenario, figure out beforehand what it is you need to communicate. Also, decide what you are going to wear – even online, looking the part will boost your confidence. On video, body language is still pivotal. Don’t slouch; try to maintain eye contact.”
The trouble with speaking up at meetings is that we often zone out while waiting anxiously for the moment to say our piece. “People get scared they will miss their big moment, or that someone else will make the point before they get the chance. The best way to combat anxiety and remain calm is to depersonalise it,” says Perkins. “Think in terms of having something valuable to add, rather than how you are coming across or how your voice sounds. If you’re embarrassed about asking questions, reframe it as needing to know so you can do the best job for the good of the team.”
Above all, Perkins counsels against “disclaimers” such as “this might sound a bit silly” or “I’m sorry to interrupt”. “There’s nothing wrong with these; we all use them. But if you want to come across as confident, drop them. Say instead: ‘Excuse me, can I just press pause for a moment and recap what was said?’ or: ‘I’m not clear about that point.’ Another good way to interrupt is to say: ‘I’ve got an idea.’
“Don’t dither. Sometimes there isn’t a good way to enter the fray and you need to jump in. If you’re really nervous about a workplace interaction, rehearse it with a supportive friend or mentor first.”
Finding the right support is what helped Karim Ullah, 51, break through the overwhelming shyness that he had struggled with since changing schools in Lincolnshire: “I went from one school with lots of Asian kids to being one of three. I became the most awkward person you could meet.”
Ullah left school without qualifications, which didn’t help his confidence; nor did being exposed to casual racism, often disguised as “banter”. Then he got a job in the worst possible environment for a timid soul: telephone sales. “It felt so embarrassing to begin with. Worse, as part of the job, I had to go to networking events and I was too scared to say anything to anyone. I felt sure other people were wondering: who is this oddball?”
Eventually, though, Ullah was offered mentorship by someone in the industry who spotted his potential. “In the end, I managed to get so good at phone sales that I was moved into face-to-face selling to companies.”
During lockdown, Ullah changed gears and opened a restaurant. Doesn’t he find working in such a social atmosphere jarring? “No, because now I’m able to offer jobs to young people who struggle with confidence, just like I did. I don’t want to see their dreams shattered just because other pushy people have knocked their self-belief.
“Because I’m doing it to help others, it takes the pressure off worrying about myself. Whenever I start to feel a lack of confidence again, I remind myself that there are so very many kind people out there. One bad experience doesn’t cancel out all the good people who want to help you.”
Feeling daunted about speaking up or being seen often leads to avoidance. When we are dreading the Christmas party, a meeting with the boss or a difficult conversation with a neighbour, “there’s a powerful desire to put it off or bottle it altogether”, says Felicity Baker, a clinical psychologist who specialises in resilience. “The problem with doing that is it does give us immediate relief from anxiety. The next time we encounter a similar situation, our brains and bodies remember it as a threatening scenario and we want to avoid it even more. So the more we avoid, the harder it is to face that situation.”
To get out of this vicious cycle, start with small, incremental nudges out of your comfort zone, Baker suggests. For example, if you default to email rather than face-to-face communication, try a phone call. “Challenge yourself gradually to have more interactions and test out expressing your opinions in friendly environments,” she says. “Small challenges help to build our resilience.”
Baker cites the positive psychology guru Martin Seligman’s work on learned optimism. “Optimism is a thinking style that helps us to view difficult events as temporary: X is happening now, but it won’t always be and it isn’t personal to me. For example, if you have a phone call that goes badly, rather than saying: ‘I’m terrible on the phone,’ tell yourself it was just that one time; remember that you had a call last week that went really well.”
Many of us aren’t especially timid by nature, but experience “situational shyness” – becoming tongue-tied in certain environments. Experts say that 70% of people can be prone to this, with only 30% of shyness being down to genetics.
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Alice, 27, a PhD student, says she is usually a confident communicator. However, when she has to stand her ground over money, she turns into “a gibbering wreck”. “One example is when I had to phone my broadband provider last week,” she says. “They’d hit me with an unaffordable increase. I’d heard that if you rang them you could negotiate a better rate. But when it came to it I ended up agreeing to take a load of TV channels I will never watch, instead of haggling for a discount. I feel so frustrated with myself, because how did all these people boasting online about the great deals they’ve struck have the confidence to do it?”
Many people struggle to complain, often veering towards one extreme (shouty, in my case) or another (squeaky mouse). “It can help to adopt a ‘negotiative’ style when you’re complaining,” says Baker. “Say I want to express disappointment about poor service in a restaurant. I would start by saying: ‘I know you’ve put a lot of effort in here, but my chicken isn’t cooked properly.’ It’s about acknowledging the other person’s position, which avoids getting their back up, and remaining calm.”
If you are in a face-to-face situation where you need to negotiate or complain, body language is crucial. “Research by Amy Cuddy has shown that by adopting a ‘power pose’, you can change your confidence and make yourself feel more assertive and more able to express your true self,” says Mistry. “It expands your chest and it helps your words to come out more clearly.”
Baker points out that, by its very nature, complaining is a situation ripe for conflict. “Keep track of your emotional state, so you stay calm. That might involve taking some deep breaths while the other person is speaking, listening to their point of view and not interrupting them or jumping to conclusions. Assertiveness is not about angry altercations; it’s about calmly getting your point across.”
Sometimes this is easier said than done. A friend of mine is in a conflict with a neighbour. “I have made it clear that I don’t like my son to eat junk food, yet every time he goes round there I discover they’ve had a takeaway,” the friend says. “Whenever I raise the issue, she starts on about random things I do that she’s not happy with.”
Baker says this is a familiar tactic: “When confronted, people will often try to draw you off the point of your argument. The best way to stand up for yourself is to use the ‘broken record’ technique – keep repeating your point over and over until the other person moves towards your position or agrees to negotiate. Yes, it can feel very uncomfortable to do that, but it does stop you getting drawn into irrelevant arguments. Stick to your point, even if it means rephrasing it. You are more likely to get the outcome you want.”
Ultimately, no matter how confident and polished others may seem, it’s worth remembering that you are not alone – everyone feels like a shrinking violet sometimes. “I’ve coached people who head global companies, who have had the most glittering careers you can imagine,” says Perkins. “One thing I know for sure: we all have our weak points. We all fear rejection and humiliation.”
Laura and Alice are pseudonyms
