If there are three things that football needs, it’s more Kane Cornes content, more umpires and more pre-season ladder predictions. At the risk of ‘doing a Robert Walls’ and tipping the eventual premiers to come last, here is Guardian Australia’s predicted ladder, and some of the more interesting storylines to follow. All have their flaws, but any one of the top 10 listed sides could win the premiership this year.
Can Collingwood bank ‘boring’ wins?
For years, the Cats have been the masters of the boring Saturday afternoon win at Kardinia Park. They bank about a half-dozen of them a year – usually against interstate clubs, all of them instantly forgettable, and all of them an exercise in conserving energy, avoiding injury and doing what needs to be done. Can Collingwood follow suit? Or does every last quarter have to be some sort of biblical event?
They’re a wonderful team to watch and to support. They’re a mix of bulls and beanpoles, thoroughbreds and pit ponies, journeymen and work experience kids. Last year, they were like Greg Norman on a charge – all-out attack, straight down the guts and brooking no doubt. “You trust yourself, your swing is free, you see these shots, and you execute them,” Norman said in a recent documentary. “You could even hit the leaf off the end of a tree if you wanted to.” That was the Pies last year. This year, with a bit less Shark, and a lot more Faldo, they can take the next step.
The Western Bulldogs are the hardest team to get a read on
If you’re a Dogs player or fan, you have to forgive Luke Beveridge a lot. You have to resign yourself to long stretches of frustration, bewilderment, blow ups, experimentation and utter impossibility. They leak goals. They leak games. They leak seasons. From the moment he walked in and tore Tom Morris a new one, Beveridge and the Dogs were never quite right last year. Caroline Wilson was genuinely worried about his state of mind. She proposed a six-figure fine. Six figures! Craig Hutchison was concerned about the “optics” of his moustache. And we wonder why Beveridge hates the media.
On field, they were a confused, lopsided side. Their midfield was formidable, if banged up. But their backline at times resembled a VAFA defence. They won three from 11 against top eight sides, and all those wins came indoors. This year, they are taller, healthier and more settled. They’re going to kick a lot of goals. Their challenge will be to stem the flow the other way. Beveridge will chop, change, flex and send his supporters spare. But if he can keep his cool and unearth a defender or two, the Dogs are capable of anything.
Can Carlton be coaxed back off the ledge?
If you’re a Carlton supporter, chances are your stomach’s still churning. Chances are you trudged home, the Collingwood theme song blaring, your head spinning. We were bumped out by how many decimal points? What the hell were those free kicks for blocking? Why, Charlie, were you lobbing dinky nine irons in the most important few minutes of your career? And why did it have to be Collingwood? Social media was no help – it was all schadenfreude, recrimination and gentle talking off the ledge.
The Blues were unlucky. They were undermanned and played two very good teams in the final fortnight. They copped some interesting umpiring. They could have lost by six or seven goals, shrugged their shoulders and told themselves, “yep, ninth or 10th, that’s about where we’re at.” But they put it all on the line. They weren’t timid. They were just dumb. They lost their heads at crucial moments. They were the golfer with the lovely swing but lousy course management.
They have to go again now. They have to come to the same emotional pitch. And they have to do it without Sam Walsh, who recently had back surgery. “When it comes to backs,” Paulie Gualtieri says in The Sopranos, “no-one knows anything really.” The same could be said for Carlton’s prospects this season.
Otherwise OK, Essendon?
There’s a scene in Fawlty Towers where a regional health inspector reels off about a dozen breaches – smoking in the kitchen, cracked titles, overstocked fridges, dead pigeons in the water tank, and so on. Basil is completely flummoxed. “Otherwise OK?” he finally says.
Otherwise OK? was a perfectly reasonable response when Essendon released the results of its review last year. There were concerns around fitness, training standards, development, coaching, recruiting and list management. Nothing went right. They never had a chance.
Now they have a new coach, a new president, a new CEO, a new game plan, and the same old gripes. Apparently they’re too nice, too soft. It took one scratch match, on a Friday afternoon, on a windswept suburban ground, for everyone to lose their mind. Matthew Lloyd said they needed to get “tougher and nastier”. Mark Robinson reacted as though the players had just set fire to his house. It was duffle coat journalism, and about 30 years out of date.
The Bombers are better than that. The coach is a safe bet. The club is finally stable. And their draw, for the first month at least, looks pretty soft. Ten minutes into the 2022 season, you could tell something was desperately amiss. But if they dish that up against the young Hawks this Sunday, brace yourself for Fawlty-like levels of hysteria.
Follow the season-opener between Richmond and Carlton at the MCG with Guardian Australia’s liveblog on Thursday night.
