Adam Peaty has been on a self-destructive spiral which caused him to take a break from racing.
The three-time Olympic champion also admitted he had a weakness for alcohol just a few weeks after pulling out of the national swimming championships citing mental health issues.
“It’s been an incredibly lonely journey,” Peaty told the Times. “The devil on my shoulder says ‘you’re missing out on life, you’re not good enough, you need a drink, you can’t have what you want, you can’t be happy’.
“Honestly, I’ve been on a self-destructive spiral which I don’t mind saying because I’m human. By saying it, I can start to find the answers.”
Peaty won Olympic gold for the first time in 2016 and took two more titles at the Tokyo Olympics in 2021. He is currently out on a training camp in Spain focusing on his mental as much as his physical health.
He said: “Mental health has become a very loose term. I got to a point in my career where I didn’t feel like myself, I didn’t feel happy swimming, I didn’t feel happy racing, my biggest love in the sport. I’ve had my hand hovering over a self-destruct button because, if I don’t get the result that I want, I self-destruct.
“Sometimes that can be good because I use that as a long-term motivation. It’s why the rise was so quick at first… frankly, it p*sses me off.
“No one will ever understand how lonely it is to be at the top of the sport and continually be there because you’ve got to say no to so many things, including many things that make you happy.”
That has included time away from his son George, who now lives with his ex-partner Eri following their break-up.
“It is an incredibly difficult and lonely place, and not many people understand that,” he said. “My family still don’t understand that. They don’t have to do what I have to do.
“Unless you’ve been in my shoes, you don’t know what it takes and I guess that’s the hardest thing especially when you’re alone all the time.
“Any sane person knows that 18 years doing the same thing is pretty much crazy. It’s very bizarre that we do it but I’m still here. What the future looks like, I don’t know but I have a smile on my face at last. I’m courageous and resilient, and will face the challenge that I need to face.”
