Ungainly title aside, it’s hard to see next month’s release of Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One as anything other than a huge lap of honour for Tom Cruise.
The film was shot during Covid, and leaked on-set audio of Cruise being, let’s say, explosively responsible about social distancing gave him the air of the only man alive who cared about the pandemic. It’s the first film of his released since Top Gun: Maverick single handedly reminded people that cinemas still existed. And, what’s more, the slow drip of production videos where he flings himself from objects of varying heights at varying speeds implicitly promises that Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One will basically be a sort of Competent Jackass.
In short, the film is guaranteed to be a success. Tom Cruise has put the work in, time and time again, to sell this film to us. There is nothing left that he can do. Nothing, that is, except fly Hayley Atwell’s nan around London in a helicopter. And guess what? Tom Cruise has flown Hayley Atwell’s nan around London in a helicopter.
This stunning nan-based helicopter revelation happened during an interview with Entertainment Tonight. Atwell explained that the helicopter trip was a surprise, thanks to her grandmother’s determination never to get in a helicopter as long as she lived. Instead, Atwell took her elderly relative to a cafe at a helicopter base, then ambushed her with Tom Cruise. “We surprised her and Tom came walking around the car. It was so sweet, because my grandmother was like, ‘Hiya, Tom, how are you darling?!’ and talked to him like he was one of her own,” she said. “Then he said, ‘I would love to take you on the helicopter, on a ride of London,’ And she was like, ‘Oh, fantastic! Yes, I’ll just put me walking stick down here!’”
Which is a lovely story. And, for added texture, it might be important to tell you that this flight took place on Christmas Eve, at sunset. Which means, sadly for you, that Tom Cruise was more romantic with Hayley Atwell’s nan than you have ever been in your entire life. What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done? Bought some flowers? Hired a pedalo? Listen, Tom Cruise literally gave Hayley Atwell’s nan a sunset helicopter tour of London on Christmas Eve. Not Hayley Atwell, who he was supposedly dating at the time. Her nan.
If ever there was a sign for the rest of us to step up, it’s this. Oh sure, Tom Cruise might be able to give Hayley Atwell’s nan a festive sunset tour of London in a helicopter more easily than the rest of us, because he has things like an unlimited budget and a helicopter licence and apparently unfettered access to Hayley Atwell’s nan. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t try to boost our romance game a little. Perhaps we can remember to hold hands with our partners, or take a moment to remind them how special they are, or – and this is just blue sky thinking at this point – sit them down in front of a laptop, open Google Earth and scroll over London while making a sort of “chookachooka” noise with your mouth. It all counts.
In fact, so well did Tom Cruise acquit himself with the helicopter tour that this might present a new way forward for him. Not even Tom Cruise can keep making action films for ever, so this might be his backroad into romcoms. He’s a lovelorn helicopter pilot. She’s Hayley Atwell’s nan. Above the skies of London, something clicks. Their hands touch. Their lips move closer together.
Anyway, this is good news for me. Ever since I was added to the Tom Cruise Cake List two years ago, I’ve been struggling to find a way to repay the man for his generosity, and now I think I’ve got it. Tom, let me take Hayley Atwell’s nan off your hands. I might not be able to offer her a once-in-a-lifetime sunset helicopter trip across London on Christmas Eve, but I do hope she can be persuaded to accept a backie on a Lime bike around the outskirts of Penge. Nana Atwell, call me.
