Oh, no. I’ve woken up bound to a chair in a gloomy room with Damian Lewis staring at me. This never ends well.
“I’m in a premium, many-moving-parts drama again, aren’t I?”
“That you are, old chap.”
“Is it one where you’re fighting secretive forces against the backdrop of a modern war, or where you’re fighting secretive forces against the backdrop of a period one?”
“The year is 1963.”
“Oh for – ”
All right, fine. I’m in a period thriller-coded spy drama. Someone is a double agent and someone else is a triple one. You never quite know whether Damian Lewis is really feeling all of his emotions or going through some complicated act. A flashback, a sleight-of-hand, a big gasping identity reveal. A waiter will bring a glass of champagne with a napkin I have to eat after reading. A man on a bench will swap umbrellas with me in silence. Everyone who sounds American is actually Russian and everyone who sounds Russian is actually American. Do not even start on who the Englishman played by the Australian is meant to be.
“What’s this one called?”
“A Spy Among Friends on ITVX.”
“What’s it about?”
“Well there’s been a spot of bother in Europe. Cold war, all of that. The shocking aftermath of the second world war to contend with, too. And – dash it all – my best friend in all the secret service has defected to bally Russia.”
“That must be painful.”
“Certainly is, old sock. But then muggins here went to Beirut and confronted him about it in a motel. Perfectly cut suit and a smoke out on the balcony. All very hush-hush. Now I don’t know how I feel about it.”
“Right. And is it also secretly a comment on the ruling class in Britain, and how it suits the elite to keep a certain stiff-lipped order to things, even to this day?”
“I couldn’t possibly say.”
“Who wrote it?”
“Alexander Plantagenet Cary, the hereditary viscount of Falkland.”
Right, well. I’m definitely going to die, here, aren’t I? Damian Lewis just said the full name of his boarding school out loud and blood started seeping out of my peasant-bred ears. The thing with A Spy Among Friends is that it’s very good – intricate, deft and thrilling with just the right sort of TV set pieces to keep things rollicking around – but also a lot of it is just “two people having a conversation in a room, both of them smoking in a very 60s way”, and you do have to actively watch it to know what’s going on. There’s fun old-school espionage and big old-fashioned tape recorders and men in their shirtsleeves sweating in rooms while listening to a bug, and everyone keeps offering each other tea in a way that seems too deliberately innocuous to be anything other than a ruse. Guy Pearce is playing opposite Damian Lewis and they are both acting their absolute heads off, which is always fun. And there is no way this whole thing doesn’t end with a clever twist. Hold on, why am I strapped to a chair?
“What can you tell us about … ITVX?”
“I don’t know. Nothing? What is it?”
“That’s what I’m asking you.”
“Isn’t it a … I want to say streaming platform. But it can’t just be a streaming platform, can it?”
“And it can’t possibly be another channel … ”
“Can’t be another channel, no.”
“So it’s … it’s not the same as ITV Hub, is it?”
“No. And it’s not the same as BritBox.”
“Then what is it?”
Damian Lewis takes his glasses off and rubs the bridge of his nose. I notice a small, shuffling motion behind one of the room’s many grimy mirrors, and a member of the intelligence services comes out, fixes me with a gaze and slaps me hard across the mouth. I don’t know what ITVX is! Nobody does! The adverts just say it’s “the UK’s freshest streaming service”! What does that even mean!
“Talk.”
“I don’t know what ITVX is! I don’t know what anything is!”
“You’re one of the UK’s most prominent TV critics. You should know what ITVX is.”
“I’m not, I’m really not! I don’t even have a podcast, Damian!”
“What is ITVX?”
“I don’t know!”
“WHAT IS ITVX?!”
I’m sobbing now. The intelligence services are holding Damian Lewis back. He’s finally lost his cool and spittle is flecking the edges of his tiny mouth. He’s roaring about ITVX. A man with three hats enters the fracas, and a hemp sack is pulled over my head. The sound of doors opening, the sound of doors closing. A van throttles and rattles over cobbled streets. The sound of Big Ben, the sound of a motorway whirring at night, the sound of seagulls, the washing sound of the ocean. I come to days later on a freight ship bound for Russia. A Spy Among Friends is very, very good. I have absolutely no idea how on earth you go about watching it.
A Spy Among Friends airs on ITVX on Thursday 8 December.
