FEET FIRST
The Fiver has mixed memories of playing rush goalie as a youth in the playground. On the one hand there was the joy of lobbing or just passing the ball into an empty goal vacated by an instinctive goalhanger who resented being shunted into the keeper’s role and took every opportunity to charge forward; on the other the pain of trying to be flash oneself and taking every opportunity to charge forward, being dispossessed, conceding and then being berated by all the cool kids for the rest of playtime. Or perhaps just being told to stay put and hurl it forward into the mixer for the big spoilt bullying kid up front to push others out of the way and score. It was probably his ball anyway, and thus he had the right to pick it up and go home any time he was displeased with others’ efforts.
Perhaps Joe Hart is haunted by flashbacks of similar episodes – those entreaties to play the ball out with his feet, be adventurous and imaginative leaving the Manchester City and England keeper fretting and fearful of spending the rest of his week being flicked on the back of the ear, having chewing gum stuck to his seat and being generally taunted by merciless classmates. Which is maybe why Pep Guardiola’s sophisticated demands that he play the ball out more – and play more like a false one, if you will – gives poor Joe The Fear.
In any case, Pep has teased that Hart may well get a chance to Make A Statement tonight by getting a run-out amid the unique, white-hot-pressure-cooker atmosphere that can only come with being 5-0 up going into a Big Cup play-off second leg at home against a team with one trazillionth of its financial and playing resources. Yep, City face Steaua Bucharest – who unlike them have actually won Big Cup, back in the days when such things were plausible and permissible – with little to concern them after last week’s away shellacking of the Romanian side. So Pep has hinted that Joe might get a go between the sticks tonight, having been frozen out of the campaign thus far. The pair were even seen having a conversation in training yesterday, such is the open-minded mood. “I have an excellent relationship with Joe. We are clear – him with me, I with him,” Guardiola roared.
Given that every day in the past fortnight or so has brought further Claudio Bravo-related news and more strong signals to the England goalkeeper that he might as well be presented with a carriage clock, a painting of a spitfire and a gold-embossed chain bearing the engraved message “Do One”, The Fiver is tempted to muse that Hart might as well play tonight’s match under rush goalie rules and try to dazzle everyone with whatever fancy footwork he can summon. John Stones can always dash back if things get a bit dicey, and what could possibly go wrong there? Hart can at least send a message to the rest of Europe, or at least Everton’s bean counters, that he can indeed thrive in Pep’s 0-2-1-0-2-2-0-2-1 system.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Paul Doyle for MBM coverage of Manchester City 4-0 Steaua Bucharest (9-0 agg) to see if Pep and co can make it through to the Big Cup group stage draw tomorrow.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“No, if they do I’ll do BT naked.” After Gary Lineker’s antics, Robbie Savage makes a promise that you know he is all too keen to keep after being asked on Twitter if Hull City can win the Premier League.
QUOTE OF THE DAY II
“Let them all come as they will,
Brendan Rodgers’ team has skill,
He is awesome, he is witty,
He is the boss of Glasgow City.”
After Celtic’s march/stumble/trip into Big Cup group stage, there is no better time to learn Thai Tims’ wonderfully infectious ode to Brendan. Especially against that backdrop.
FIVER LETTERS
“Teaching English as a Foreign Language on my CV means I automatically associate the letters EFL [yesterday’s Fiver] with substandard effort, being under prepared, boredom, regret and terrible value for money – something potential sponsors probably felt about the Football League’s £6M a year quote” – Ben North.
I happened to notice that a forward named C Bacca made the Serie A Team of the Week. Was this because he scored a great (Han) Solo goal at the weekend? And did any small mammaloid bipeds watching from the stands then cheer and shout “Ewok a goal that was!” – Steve J
May I assure Christopher Smith [yesterday’s letters] that it is yet more tedious, tiresome, irksome, enervating and indeed dreary to have to point out how often would be pedants invoke facts that are, to put it mildly, as accurate as a Harry Kane corner. Far from being a ‘construction’ the word ‘tediousness’ predates ‘tedium’ by several centuries, the latter being introduced to English as part of the infuriating attempt to intellectualise English as a Latinate Romance language in the 17th and 18th Centuries. Nobody with true English blood (or tin in the Fiver’s case) running through their veins would ever utter this elitist foreign intruder!” – Barry Etheridge.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ben North.
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BITS AND BOBS
Bastian Schweinsteiger has disappointed all clubs in Europe, including his own, by pledging that Manchester United ‘will be my last club in Europe’. So it’s either China, the MLS or the under-21s on £200k-a-week.
Watford have put £7.5m in a wheelbarrow and rolled it towards Newcastle for Daryl Janmaat, and Chelsea fancy Milan’s £30m Alessio Romagnoli.
Taxpayers FC are set to sign the cousin of the former Man City midfielder Gélson Fernandes, and are hoping it turns out better than that time Southampton signed George Weah’s cousin.
Co-owner David Sullivan, meanwhile, has had heart surgery, with son David Sullivan Jr tweeting a photo of him. “Dad’s just had heart surgery woke up from operation and is straight back on the phone to sign more players.” Stand by your phones, Wilfried Bony and Simone Zaza, it says here.
New Palace defender James Tomkins reckons Christian Benteke will turn Selhurst – a ground which has seen two home league wins in 2016 – into Thornton Heath’s very own fortress. “He’s brilliant, one of the best,” he cheered. “We can beat any team at this place with the fans behind us.”
Everton’s Arouna Koné says he was “very happy to score two goals” against Yeovil because “it is very important as a striker to score goals” but “I am more happy for the team because a victory is important” and etc and so on.
On-fire’s Will Grigg will miss Northern Ireland’s World Cup qualifier against the Czech Republic, with his partner about to give birth.
And Chris Coleman says he’s ‘fully focused’ on Hull not Wales Wales not Hull. “There was an approach, the FAW turned it down, and now I’m fully focused again,” he parped. “I want to work at the top level like everyone else – but that doesn’t mean that’s the Premier League.”
STILL WANT MORE?
A deadly striker? A winger who can defend as well as attack? A no-nonsense centre-half? What does your team need before the transfer window slams shut? Our writers offer their opinions.
Jack Harrison grew up in Bolton and was part of Manchester United’s youth set-up. So how he has found himself playing up front with David Villa at New York City FC at the age of 19? He tells all to Jack Williams in a well-preserved northern lilt, for your eyes only.
The Knowledge this week has a distinctly global outlook, investigating teams with players from every continent and every confederation in the world.
Neymar and Messi feature in our best goals of the week, but they were outshone by little known Tom Hanlon and his sensational hat-trick of long-rangers.
Marina Hyde reckons the Olympics could learn a few lessons from football, so fed up is she of the all the montages, backstories and journeys that accompany “the greatest show on earth.”
Shirt sales don’t pay off transfer fees, image rights are more important than ‘war chests’ and clubs are more likely to use an agent than a fax machine to seal a deal. Jake Cohen, sports lawyer and occasional hack, debunks widely held myths about how clubs sign players.
Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Win! Chances are, if you’ve read this far down in the Fiver you probably don’t have 14 friends spare to join you in an executive box to watch Arsenal Legends v Milan Glorie on Saturday 3 September at the Emirates. But if you’re one of those rare Fiver readers who does have a social circle you may want to enter this competition.
Oh Señor Fiver, with all these competitions you are really spoiling us! Six pairs of tickets for Chelsea v Burnley up for grabs right here.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
