A few weeks ago, Gail* sat in her manager’s office, spreadsheet open on her laptop, excited to share the results of her work.
Over an intense week, she had orchestrated an impressive series of sales meetings, speaking events and networking opportunities. The calendar was thoughtfully structured and those attending were senior decision-makers. As she talked through the details, she started to feel apprehensive as her manager’s expression remained impassive. When she finished, rather than acknowledging her efforts or even her initiative, his first response was: “Did you follow the expense approval process for these events?” Before she could respond, he added: “Couldn’t you fit more in? And how do we know these are quality attendees? I haven’t seen the lists.”
Gail felt the enthusiasm drain from her body. She’d invested more hours than she was hired for, leveraged her professional network, and thought she was responding to recent requests for her team to expand the company’s market presence. Yet her manager’s flat response seemed more concerned with procedural checkboxes and what she hadn’t done, rather than what she had. He didn’t comment on her initiative. She left his office feeling deflated and questioning whether her extra effort was worth it.
We hear of similar scenarios playing out in offices worldwide every day. While it might seem like a minor interaction, research suggests these moments create hurt, drain motivation and gradually erode organisational attachment.
The science of feeling seen
The psychological experience of feeling seen and heard is fundamental to human wellbeing and emotional development. When people feel genuinely understood and acknowledged by others, it activates neural pathways associated with safety and social connection, releasing bonding hormones like oxytocin. This validation goes beyond simple listening – it encompasses having one’s emotional reality, lived experiences and core identity recognised and accepted without judgment.
When managers fail to validate employee efforts, they trigger what the organisational psychologist Denise Rousseau calls a “betrayal of the psychological contract” – the unwritten expectations between employee and organisation. Contracts aren’t just about pay and benefits; they’re about feeling valued, recognised and respected for our contributions.
While likely unintended, the responses of Gail’s manager defaulted to criticism and scepticism, particularly damaging for her because she was at her most vulnerable – sharing ideas she had invested in and, she explained later, was feeling proud of.
A thousand tiny betrayals
It’s entirely possible that if we were able to ask him, Gail’s manager may explain that he was simply doing his job – ensuring compliance processes and quality control are followed by the sales team. But research shows that relationship quality between leaders and followers is built through ongoing patterns of interaction. Each dismissive response, each failure to acknowledge effort, or even a non-response, contributes to “death by a thousand cuts” – the accumulated impact of repeated micro betrayals.
Unfortunately, this has been Gail’s experience. In her current role and with this manager she can recall many instances of interactions where she has felt dismissed, or where her ideas seem to get shut down. She had started doubting herself and holding back from sharing ideas in team meetings to avoid this happening. Her recent effort was an attempt to shine and now she felt “there’s no point in trying to make a difference”.
The ripple effect
The damage from these interactions extends beyond the immediate relationship. Research shows that when employees witness others’ initiatives being dismissed, they learn vicariously that it’s unsafe to show initiative. This creates what psychologists call “observational learning” – people learn what behaviours are truly valued by watching how others are treated.
The dilemma for Gail now is how to respond to her manager. We discussed a continuum of options from “do nothing”, to “just do the work” she is asked to, nothing more, perhaps to discuss with colleagues some options for giving feedback as a team, through to giving her manager direct feedback about the impact of his style on her motivation and performance. Working through some of these options led Gail to the realisation that she had witnessed her manager responding in similar ways with other team members, and she felt nervous about raising the patterns directly.
In this time of considering options a secondment to a different part of the business opened up. Gail had worked for the manager in this area before and found him to be supportive, encouraging and, importantly, validating of her ideas and initiative. She decided to apply for the secondment and was successful. Gail has also decided to use the secondment time to look for other jobs. “I’m going to pay more attention to finding out about team culture and management styles and in any interviews raise how important a validating feedback style is to me.”
For Gail and countless others like her, our hope is that organisations will recognise the impact of invalidating management styles and invest in developing leaders who understand the profound impact of their emotional responses. Because it’s not just about making people feel good – it’s about creating environments where initiative, creativity and engagement can flourish, so people can thrive.
*Gail has given permission for her story to be shared. Some details have been changed for privacy
• Gaynor Parkin is a clinical psychologist and founder at Button Psychology
