Dear Billie,
If you’re reading this – 10 years from now – in an oversized sweatshirt, leggings and Ugg boots, congrats! I can see that today’s version of self-care is still alive and kicking. I hope with every fibre of my being that you’re wearing them on a lazy Sunday, while cooking your husband and children a delicious roast chicken after a leisurely walk around Richmond Park (please tell me you returned to TW9).
If you are, that means the decade of self-care you poured into yourself – of learning to put what you need before what you want – has worked out. It means you got everything you wanted from life. And you have a family of your own.
You’ve got a long way to go before you achieve your dream, but for the first time – maybe ever – I believe you’ll get there. Perhaps I should have written a letter to my younger self before writing one to you, because I owe her a big apology. So I’ll say it to both of you: I’m sorry I spoke to you the way I did throughout your 20s, I’m sorry that I didn’t believe you were deserving of good, honest love. I’m sorry that I put other people’s happiness before yours, I’m sorry I made you wear so many hideous belts – it wasn’t cute – and I’m sorry that I didn’t care for you, or prioritise your mental and physical wellbeing. I’m sorry I skipped your bedtime skincare routine, tortured you with comparison culture, and rarely hit your step count. I wasn’t in the habit of putting you first, I didn’t think you were worth it – and now I know just how wrong I was.
I’m starting to make discernible changes now, though. I’m not just dreaming about my life in an abstract way, hoping that just because I wish for it, it will happen. I’m putting one foot in front of the other to futureproof it, to give my future self the best shot. I’m trying my best to prioritise things that will eventually bring me abundant happiness – even if they don’t all feel very joyful right now. It’s been wildly confronting to reckon with what I want from life (praying we are past that pain now – also praying that Tuscan holiday villa came to be …). I’ve learned that perfect isn’t possible and demanding yourself to be so isn’t a healthy way to live.
I’m putting trying to be perfect behind me, along with men who lack in emotional awareness, chicken nuggets as an entire food group, people who take more from me than they give, refusing to move my body because it might be embarrassing, and smoking when drunk (that one might falter a few times for the sake of imperfection). Right now, I have a firm foot on the ladder, one that has the potential to unlock my dream. A life full of joy, adventure, meaningful relationships, and looking and feeling my best (once a late bloomer, always a late bloomer, hey?)
I have done what I thought was impossible – I have invited discipline into my life. I’ve fallen back in love with sports (please tell me the kids love racket sports). I am moving more and reaping the mental and physical benefits. I turned my loathing for walking into a love for it. Maybe by the time you’re reading this, you have managed a run. If you have, I’m sure the whole world will know about it. Maybe the hardest thing I did was set boundaries. I’m sure you’re still uncomfortable with some of them, but I know the power of saying “no” will get you much further than just saying “yes” to please someone else.
I hope the friends who have always lifted you up and loved you even when you didn’t love yourself are still by your side. How’s the self-care routine going? It took me a while to lay the foundations so you’d better have stuck to it! I mapped out a stellar skincare routine for you (still on the Clarins Extra-Firming Day cream hype? I gave you a big old head start with that one!). Self-care – the kind where I actually care for myself, all of myself, the inside and the outside – changed my life. I hope you can feel the culmination of that hard work.
More than anything, I hope you stay on track, that you keep climbing for the dream life – even when it sometimes feels impossible. I hope you’re determined to push past the feeling of wanting to give up. I hope you continue to strive for more. I hope the noise in your head saying you aren’t good enough is now just an occasional soft murmur that you use to propel yourself forward. I hope you made it to the LA Olympics in 2028 to watch the squash championships and tell everyone that it could have been you. I hope your skin is positively singing with radiance, and that people tell you about the glow, daily. I hope you are at a level of being an adult where you genuinely enjoy red wine and olives. I hope you are strong enough to find peace.
With love,
Billie x
PS. The advice I’m giving my future self might just help you out too:
1 When it comes to exercise, know that it’s OK to start small – the main thing is that you start.
2 Cleanse your skin like you’re washing away your day and anything negative you felt about yourself. The cream you apply afterwards is the love you are giving to yourself.
3 Get comfortable with saying “no”. Practise by saying no to the easy things, and you’ll grow in confidence. Thinking of it as “protecting your peace” should help, too.
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*Consumer test – After using Extra-Firming Day and Night All Skin Types, 107 women
