POCH’S NEW PATCH?
At 2.21pm this afternoon, Football Daily finally finished processing what had happened to Tottenham Hotspur at St James’ Park over the weekend. Having taken exactly two full days to come to terms with the sheer Lads It’s scope of the fiasco, we tasked ourselves with putting the comedic tour de force, extravagant even by Spurs’ historical standards, into words. However, we could only come up with the sort of confused grunts and befuddled yelps normally associated with glaikit cartoon characters such as Homer Simpson, Scooby Doo and Tucker Carlson. Not ideal for the medium we work in. But what can you do? It was that bad. D’oh! (x5)
As a result, the players have coughed up for the travelling fans’ tickets, while on Monday afternoon Daniel Levy pulled on his well-worn pair of hobnail HR boots and kicked Cristian Stellini right up the tunnel, past the glassed-walled restaurant and the abandoned hatch from which they once dreamed of selling cheese, and out of the revolving door marked Do One. A perfectly executed dispatch, not least because the door was still spinning from Antonio Conte’s recent elite-level flounce, though that also marked the exact moment at which Levy’s knack for perfect timing betrayed him. That’s because, by subsequently loaning the keys of the manager’s office to perennial placeholder Ryan Mason for the rest of the season, it looks as though Spurs may miss out on the man so many of the fans want back: Tim Sherwood.
No, of course not, we jest lazily and weakly. It’s Mauricio Pochettino, who with Spurs faffing around, now looks to be a shoo-in for the vacant job at Chelsea instead. The Blues are seriously floundering under the caretaking yoke of the poor man’s Stellini, and even Todd Boehly isn’t daft enough to give Frank Lampard the full-time job again. Instead, they want Poch to build something long-term, and even more amazingly, given what happened to the last process manager at Stamford Bridge, the Argentinian is seriously interested in the project. Oh Mauricio! Did you not hear us exclaim “Oh Graham!”? (x5)
Should Poch accept, he’d instantly alienate his former fanbase at Spurs, the big noise the former Espanyol boss likes to make about understanding tribal loyalties seemingly only stretching as far as not taking the Barcelona job he’s never likely to be offered. It all leaves Spurs once more working against the clock, scrambling to persuade Julian Nagelsmann to sign up before Thomas Tuchel and Oliver Kahn are booted at Bayern and a new CEO asks their estranged skateboarding prodigy back. You scoff now, but we give that particular scenario three weeks, let’s see if we’re wrong. No more faffing, Daniel!
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The club represents the identity of our community and our community is more than 70% Ukrainian and Ukrainian descendants. Ukraine has always been incredibly supportive of great Brazilian football talent and became an important gateway for players to enter the European market. This is the least we could do to help keep their club alive and give hope to Ukrainians all across the world” – AA Batel president Alex Lopes explains why the club from Paraná in southern Brazil have decided to turn themselves into FC Mariupol, the top-flight club disbanded after Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, in a show of solidarity with the war-torn country. The club will take on Mariupol’s kit, crest and logo a year after the club’s facilities and stadium were destroyed. “It’s impossible to express how much this means to us,” said Mariupol’s vice-president Andriy Sanin.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
Please, please, please, please, please don’t hire Mauricio Pochettino, Chelsea. In fact, don’t hire anyone. These are dark times and Frank Lampard is doing a service to the entire nation, dare I say the world, in providing a glimmer of humour” – Antony Train.
After Sunday’s Spurs demolition, Eddie Howe looks set to lead Newcastle to Big Cup qualification and subsequent world domination. Let’s hope he didn’t look over at his beleaguered colleague at the final whistle and have a Keeganesque moment of clarity” – Pål Jørgen Bakke.
Manchester United’s grey kit was blamed for the loss against Southampton back in 1996 as ‘players were unable to pick out teammates to pass to’. However, I think on this occasion Tottenham players were too easy to see and so the Toon found passing simpler. Hopefully the colour of the door marked ‘Do One’ is painted the same colour so Stellini found it easy enough” – Pete Cody.
If Manchester City are playing Leeds on ‘Saturday 8 May’ (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs, full email edition), they’re breaking the calendar, not just the 3pm embargo” – Jim Hearson.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Pål Jørgen Bakke.
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