It’s the end of an era. Charles Martinet, the acclaimed voice of Nintendo’s mascot Mario for roughly three decades, is finally hanging up his red cap for the Super Mario video game franchise. He has definitively bopped the head of his last Koopa Troopa.
For now, Nintendo does not have a planned replacement for the legendary video game character. Yes, we are not talking about someone reciting a monologue from King Lear, but there is still a massive chasm of “yahoo!” and “here we go!” that someone with genuine temerity has to fill. The show must go on, and it must be delightful.
If you’re an esteemed internet purveyor, you might have seen a lot of joking suggestions that Chris Pratt — a human being with surface-level charm who would never dare turn down an easy check — should, once again, voice Mario. After all, he already has the experience of bringing nothing unique or entertaining to the table during this spring’s The Super Mario Bros. Movie. Why not harness that low-effort, milquetoast energy for the most popular game franchise in existence?
I’ll tell you why: We have standards here at For The Win. And we intend to uphold them. There are many better options to consider for the Mushroom Kingdom’s next lead adventurer. Take notes, Nintendo.
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This exotic parrot
A master of mimicry, it would take no time for this lovely bird to get up to speed on all things Mario. Parrots also imitate because they’re looking for social interaction, approval, and affection — ensuring we’d get more buy-in from a small bird than an adult man rolling out of bed to record his lines in iPhone voice memos.
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ChatGPT's Voice Control
Like Pratt, the chatbot provides back-and-forth conversation that almost makes you think it has actual talent before you realize it’s regurgitating the same lines over and over.
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A gaggle of random Furbys
These terrifying little demons with eyes that will peer through your soul, I mean, robotic toys, don’t really speak English. But it’s not as if Mario needs more than some occasionally excited-sounding gibberish to be interesting.
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Ben Stein
In a monotone voice first engineered to foster boredom and sleep in fictional Chicago high school students:
Mario? …Mario? …Mario? …Mario? …Mario?
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Danny DeVito
Sure, DeVito’s Mario might be more gruff and not so safe for work compared to the classically whimsy interpretation. But who better to play an animated portly plumber than the man who turned a Batman villain into an actual penguin? It’s the role of a lifetime. Plus, Mario is due for an adult interpretation. A qualifier: Tim Burton must be his voice coach.
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This Mario soundboard
That’s right, dearest reader. I have more confidence in this inanimate pre-set soundboard of Mario sounds to do a better job as the biggest video game character in history than Hollywood’s top steakhead, Chris Pratt.
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Nancy Cartwright
Look, if Cartwright can turn a 10-year-old cartoon boy who never ages into an American cultural icon, then who’s to say she couldn’t carry on the tradition behind the world’s favorite pipe fitter? A bonus of casting Cartwright is her potentially unveiling new non-sequitur catchphrases for an edgier Mario. Cowabunga, dude.
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Eddie Murphy
I have waited my entire life for Eddie Murphy to don the virtual blue overalls while happily exclaiming every time he gets a power-up.
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Tara Strong
Strong is perhaps the most prolific voice performer of a generation. If she can handle Timmy Turner from The Fairly Oddparents, Raven from Teen Titans, and Barbara Gordon (a.k.a. “Batgirl”), then who are we to deny all-time greatness? Mario needs a voice, and we need seasoned veteran experience.
